Everything I needed to know about life, I learned in Kindergarten: If you go to the bathroom in your pants, they let you go home
One good thing about premature ejaculation is that porn lasts you a very long time. I bought a video back in 1992 and I still haven’t made it past the FBI warning thing.
I buy those audio books that teach people how to speak English. I like them. They’re easy, but it still makes me feel smart. I need that. I really need that.
I find that I get a lot of my best ideas when I’m watching PBS. Like the other day I was watching when they had this Peter, Paul & Mary concert and I got a great idea.. “If I find a way to steal cable I wouldn’t have to watch this crap”
I still think It was a good idea to do the study, but the results just weren’t very good. Happy Meals are just a poor substitute for Prozac. Anyway, I’m coming to the conclusion that if some one could live like I do without being depressed , they’re the ones who need to be medicated, not me
Whenever someone dies and someone says that they’re “in a better place now” I wonder how bad their apartment could possibly be that a hole in the ground would be a step up. And “Rest in peace” is a pretty goofy thing to say. Once you’re dead, people generally stop hassling you. Futhermore no one’s death is ever untimley. It always right after the heart stops.
I have an identical twin. She got teased a lot in school.
St Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland. I guess the requirements for canonization back then were so low that guys who just worked in animal control were eligible .
If we really are going to hell in a hand basket I hope we each get our own. Going to hell would be bad enough without being jammed in a basket with a bunch of strangers.
All clothing is reversible if you don’t care about your appearance.
You know how when you first start working at a slaughter house the smell makes you wanna puke, but after a month or so you don’t even notice it? That’s pretty much sums up my view of life in general.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them really boring parades.
Sometimes you hear people say “that’s crazy enough it just might work”, but that’s a really inefficient mode of problem solving. I think it’s best to start with sane ideas and work your way down.
The whole idea that cats are finicky eaters is just marketing BS, I think. If you have some thick leather gloves and a funnel you can pretty much make a cat eat anything you want it to.
Violence never solves anything. Except boxing matches. Then it’s really the best way to settle it. You could just run away, but they won’t pay you if you do it that way .
When you see the pictures of the kids on the milk bottle, that doesn’t mean that they’re a prize you get when you finish the bottle. Mainly that kinda thing just happens with cereal.
In “The Little Mermaid” they keep singing about how great it is to live under the sea. I think that’s misleading. Living “in” the sea does seem like a lot of fun, but if you’re living “under” the sea you’re just going to be lying around covered up in mud. That gets old pretty quick.
Never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is that a big guy with a knife is chasing you. When that happens running away is an option. A pretty good one too.
You’re supposed to not count your chickens before they hatch, but it’s okay to count your eggs before they hatch. It’s the best time actually - otherwise you have to figure out which shell went with which egg.
Always look suspicious. Practice it. The only time you ever hear about innocent bystanders is when one of them gets shot
If you’re sick, you should drink plenty of fluids. And if you ever find a way to drink something that isn’t a fluid, be sure and let me know.
Visitors are like fish. If you cut them up and fry them in batter with lemon, they’re pretty tasty served with hushpuppies.
Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a new dog. Sure, you can spend a lot of money and get a nice one, but if you’re patient, and not so picky, sometimes you can find one hanging around the dumpsters at Burger King looking for something to eat.
