The Sedated Ape

Jimmy is a blind deaf mute.   When he’s about six his parents decide to put him into a home, because you don’t want a kid like that hanging around when people are trying to eat.

 But while they’re packing all his bubble wrap and washcloths they notice that he’s playing “Doom 3”.   And he’s doing great, he’s somehow a real prodigy at the video game.   The parents feel awful that they almost shipped him off because they failed to realize his gifts and potential.   

Then they notice that the controller isn’t even plugged in and the game is just in “demo mode”.   Then the taxi shows up to take Jimmy away.

 I gotta remember to come up with some music for it.   Rock operas are better when they have lots of music

In the game you’re a little guy with a big head.   He looks like a midget, but I’m not sure he is supposed be one because all the other people in the game look like midgets too.   I don’t think midgets really live in towns or communities with nothing but other midgets.    (I wish they did though, because if they did have “midget-town” it would be where I would spend all my vacations.   It would be way cooler than Amish communities, Branson, or Dollywood)

 The point of the game is to take care of a farm and get one of the village girls to marry you so you can have kids.   I think it’s probably the first game to combine the popular video game genres of farm chores and knocking up a midget.

Anyway - last night I found this cheat/Easter egg thing in the game.   After you talk to this one guy you get a goat.   I was by myself, but I said out loud “Kick ass! Now I can raise goats!”.  

Anytime you say something like “Kick ass! Now I can raise goats!” you have to take that as a big warning sign.    If you get excited about being a virtual goat farmer there needs to be some major changes in your life

Also, zoos don’t have reserved seating, people just walk around looking at stuff, so if a scalper tries to sell you a front row seat to see the lemur, don’t fall for it.

Say you won a fund raising raffle at the zoo.   Your winning ticket gives you two prizes.   One, you get to pick out any animal in the zoo and they’ll cook it and serve it to you.   Two - You get to pick any one of the animals and have sex with it.  Which animal would you want to eat and which one would you want to screw?  I’d like to eat a panda.   I love Chinese food.   I eat it at least six times a week.   A lot of restaurants have the word “panda” in their name.   I know they can’t really serve you a panda, but I bet there are some really great old recipes around from back when you could order all the panda you wanted …    I’d screw a wolf.   When I was in school I bagged groceries and there was an old guy who came in everyday to buy grapefruit juice (he got the vodka across the street).   When it was cold out he would say “It’s as cold as a penguin’s pussy”.   That makes sense, they’d be on the ice all the time.   When it was hot he’d say “It’s as hot as a wolf’s pussy”. That one doesn’t make as much sense, but I bet he may have been right about it anyway.

I was watching PBS and they had a thing were they were talking about how good baboons are at grooming.    I find them to be way overrated. They messed up my sideburns, didn’t all the soap out of my hair and I had to yell for an hour with my head through the bars of the pen before they’d even pay attention.   And the guys who work at the zoo can be real smart asses.   Take my advice, just spend the 20 dollars on a real haircut from a human barber

 I always used to think those things were kinda creepy.   I don’t even know why they bother to save the battlefields.   I can see putting up a sign or even a museum , but why the actual field?   What’s so great about standing where a bunch of guys died?   If that was a rush you’d think you’d get the same sensation visiting a nursing home.    And most nursing homes are air conditioned.   Not the government funded ones, but most of the privately owned ones have AC.

 But, I have to admit that the reenactment was pretty neat.    All those guys are really perfectionists when it comes to stuff like that.   They make sure that their uniforms and weapons look exactly like they did back then.   They had tents where they showed how the wounded were treated.    You could even get samples of the kinda food they had back then.  

I learned a lot and had fun. It makes it seem like you were really back in the 1860’s.

Then a black guy showed up with a white woman and we all got together and hung him.   It’s easy to get carried away with stuff like that.

They brought all the kids out in the country and everyone was dressed up like they did in the 1800’s.   One lady showed them how to make lye soap.   Other people showed them how to make beef jerky, and spin wool into yarn, stuff like that.   It sounded fun so I volunteered , but looking back I should have picked something I know about, or at the very least I should have read up on what a “muleskinner” is, because it’s not what it sounds like.

Now I have to pay for the three mules and two of the kids fathers want me to pay for their kid to go through therapy because they keep having nightmares about those poor damn mules.   Don’t try to help people, I think that’s the moral here.

2) Whenever someone acts like they might want to hit you, climb the ladder real quick.

 3)Wait till they fall asleep.

4) Jump on their head.

 Actually steps one and two aren’t really important.   Jump on their heads when they’re asleep, that’s the main thing.

 I guess this may seem extravagant to a lot of you.    In fact, besides myself, I know of only one other person who does this… and his name just happens to be MR. TOM JONES!

 So I know this isn’t for everyone , but I just feel like my loins deserve the very best. I’m not even going to take them off in the conventional way.   I’m just going to cut the old pair off every day.   Then I’m going to sell the cut up  pair on ebay, dated and signed (not necessarily by me. I‘m a busy man. I don‘t always have time to write stuff on my underwear) . There will be a reasonable reserve price, of course.

 I even got a new knife at Eddie Bauer just for this.    It has a built in light in the handle in case I ever want to cut off my underwear when it’s dark.  

I’m looking for ideas on the best way to build an underwear dispensing machine.    I would either like a system that works like a Kleenex box - a new pair will just pop up when you pull one out.   The other idea would be to make it work like a toaster - a new pair would shoot up when you pressed a lever, something like that.   There also should be some sort of heating element so my underwear would always remain warm and toasty.   When it dispenses a new pair I think it would be cool to have it play either the “2001: Space Odyssey music” or   ”Fanfare For The Common Man”.   The machine should be either made of Burl Walnut or Red Oak.  

 And no veneer. I don’t live in a trailer, I want my underwear machine to be high class all the way.