I’ve written lots of books - I’m sorta a Renaissance Man. I write in a lot of different categories. Also,I have a pretty hands-off attitude to personal hygiene and I like to wear codpiece sometimes.
My oeuvre -
I’m a children’s book illustrator. I don’t do it for a living, though — it’s just a hobby. I go down to the library every Tuesday with a green Magic Marker and draw filthy pictures in the margins.
The first book I wrote was ”How to experience the rapture without shitting yourself”. It’s too complex to get into much detail here, but it involves swallowing a lot of candle wax at the moment you see the first locust. I also wrote “Survive Shark attacks without soiling yourself” and “Secrets of playing winning blackjack like the pros without shitting yourself”. Candle wax plays a pretty big role in those too.
I wrote a novel called “40 mules” Due to an error in bookkeeping, a homesteader is issued forty mules and one acre. Unable to grow any crops because the mules trample everything, he’s eventually forced to eat the mules. Think of a cross between “Alive” and “Sophie’s Choice.
“Emancipation Day” is about a poor farmer who hears one day that Lincoln has made the slaves free. He loads up his wagon and make the long trip from Mississippi up to Washington under the mistaken impression that if the slaves were free that meant he “could have as many as he wanted and wouldn’t have to pay nobody nothing”. When he gets there Lincoln explains his mistake to him, but he feels so sorry for the farmer who came so far that he let him have two Chinamen and a Jew as long as he promised not to tell anyone where he got them.
Dummies Guide to Living With Brain Damage
A Coloring Book called “50 Animals That Look Like Sean Penn”
I wrote a superhero graphic novel (not a “comic book”, and definitely not a “funny book”) called “Flame Retardant”. The
hero is a retarded kid who starts a lot of fires in hopes of killing crooks in the buildings he burns down. Only he has no way of knowing where the bad guys are , so it’s really a pretty random thing for him.
My diet books – ”Shit More”, “Lose Weight By Shaking Violently 24/7!” “Jared from Subway really has stomach cancer” and “Just be grateful you have enough to eat and stop worrying about the size of your ass, you shallow cunt”
My series of photography coffee table books:
Really Ugly People Playing The Nickel Slots
More Really Ugly People Playing The Nickel Slots
Even More Really Ugly People Playing The Nickel Slots
Really Ugly People Playing The Nickel Slots Vol. 4
Really Ugly People Playing The Nickel Slots Vol. 5
Really Ugly People Playing The Nickel Slots Vol. 6
Really Ugly People Playing The Nickel Slots: CDROM version
“44 fun pranks to play on the elderly” Example – #36 Tell them Orson Wells is on the radio talking about some crazy moon-man shit and watch them run for the Hills.
I’m working on the sequel to Fight Club, but I’m not supposed to talk about it.
My second Religious book is “Wouldn’t it be weird if the ancient Greeks were right all along?’
“Co-Pilot” is about a group of scientists who steal the Shroud Of Turin and clone 20 new Christ’s from a blood stain. After a week or so they figure out that while the public is happy to have one Jesus around, twenty is just overkill. The scientists sell them all to TWA who starts an ad campaign that says “When you fly TWA Jesus is ALWAYS your co-pilot”. But the cloned saviors know nothing about aviation and they’re scared to death to fly. TWA’s passengers start complaining because they find being on a plane flight with a messiah who can’t stop crying and screaming like a banshee a little unnerving. So all the Christ’s lose their gig and decide to become male strippers. I sorta stole the ending from “The Full Monty”
My travel guide: How to get a free hand job at Disneyland.
I’ve done the cliff notes for the “Solve The Rubik’s Cube” book. All I wrote was “make all the sides the same color”. But
they can do a lot with margins, fonts and illustrations.
I wrote a script for a new cop drama tv show where the hero is a Chia pet that comes to life, sings and solves crimes . I’m hoping to get one of the Baldwin brothers to play the Chia-pet.
”Sauerkraut For The German Soul” is just a little book to cheer up the Germans. They seem to need something like that. One of them is “Yeah, Hitler was a really a prick, but Eva Braun sure was hot, wasn’t she? That little frauline had a amazing rack on her! Axis or ally, German or American, Jew or Gentile, every one of us was just praying for a chance to tap that fine, fine, piece of Aryan ass!”
“How to Prepare for the Y999,999K bug”
I’m sorta aiming for the Art Bell audience with my book called “Shadow people – paranormal demons or African- Americans in substandard lighting?”. The good thing is that most white guys consider them about equally scary.
