The Sedated Ape

I’ve been a fan of the Ask Marilyn column in the Parade magazine for  a long time.  I like the idea of the whole  thing better than I do  the actual content
They take the person with the highest IQ and the best way  to keep them busy  is to have them write for “Parade” magazine.  On the same page as the Wordy -Gurdy and The Lockhorns. If Einstein was alive they would have him coming up with the Junior Jumble every week.

I read  ”Ask Marilyn”  every week to see if she still has her job. She’s been writing it since 1986 and  new people are taking IQ tests everyday. I figure any day now some new person might beat  her 228 IQ and she’d be have to be fired. Who would trust the advice of the person with the second highest IQ  when the number one person is around?

I got a good idea though.   Since a column by the person with the highest IQ is so popular, I bet one  where the person with the world’s lowest IQ answers questions  would sell too.

Now,  I don’t  actually know who has the lowest tested IQ.  I can’t go around testing dumb guys all the over the world.   My time may not be valuable, but it is limited.

So I just  had some cards  printed up that say “World’s Lowest  IQ”  on them and gave them to this guy I know named Gary.  I figure until someone comes along and prints up some cards that say he  doesn’t have the world’s lowest IQ, he’s our guy.

There’s a definition of a drunk that goes: a drunk is a guy  who knows when the bar open and knows when the bar closes and is there both times.  Gary  is like that, except he spends all his time at the gas  station.

I’ve been there a different times of the day and night. He is always  there. I’ve never seen him anywhere else.

 My best guess is that he’s built his life around their free coffee  refill policy. They have a little booth there that he’s turned into a home.

I heard him say one time that he was on disability, but  that’s as specific as he gets.

There are two things about Gary  that make people remember him. One is his haircut – a flat-top – short in the back, but he grows the sides long  covering his ears. So if you saw him from far off he would look like he’s wearing a brown hunting cap like Elmer Fudd wears when he’s hunting rabbits. Of course you never see Gary from far off, since as far as I know he never leaves the gas station.

 The second thing about him is that he always has something to say to everyone who come in. If you’re buying something he’ll talk about that, but if you’re just getting gas he gets creative.

I take a micro-cassette in with me to record him every time I go in, because they’re so odd.  I have two favorites – “Levi’s huh… well, they make pretty good pants”.  The other one is when he asked “Do you like those old corvettes?”  (I was driving a new Chrysler at the time – nothing antique or sporty)  I said “Yeah, I suppose so”. Then he said “Well, if I hear of any old corvettes for sale I’ll let you know”

The problem is that no one sends him any questions in the mail like they do with Marilyn.   If I waited until people  started sending the guy brainteasers like that,  my new column might never get off the ground.

So I thought it would be easier  just to ask   him the same questions that people ask in the Ask  Marilyn thing in “Parade”.

So this is the first “Ask Gary”:

1) Ron walks a one-hour round trip from his house and back each day.  One day, he decides to run part of the way. Ron runs three times as fast as he walks. If he cut 10 minutes off his usual trip, how many minutes did Ron run?

 -  How the fuck would I know?  Who is that anyway?

2) What percentage of the trillions of dollars circulating in our country exists in the form of actual cash?

- What am I supposed to do with these cards? Do I have to sign something?

3) Organic foods are growing in popularity. But at some point, all food was organic. How long ago was it? Years?

- Did you know that cunt over there don’t  let you buy power ball tickets with a credit card?

4) What do chipmunks do with the dirt they dig out from their tunnels?

Do I look like a fucking chipmunk?

This entry was posted on February 2, 2007 at 4:41 am and is filed under Uncategorized.