Whenever you have to walk through a bad neighborhood, you should always carry one of those industrial size can of peaches. If anyone tries to attack you, you can hit them with it, but if nobody attacks, you can eat the peaches when you get home. They’re pretty tasty, so it’s really a win-win situation.
I dropped out of med school halfway, so I know how to cut stuff out of someone’s body, but I can’t put it back in. That’s the most
important part too.
If you can’t beat ‘em, run you damn fool.
If you ever try to sell some old magazines that you came across on EBay don’t mention that you did THAT to them. People will pay a lot more for magazines without jizz on them .
If you choose the road less traveled you’ll be covered in ticks and chiggers within an hour.
Some men see things as they are and ask “why?” Others see things that never were. Those guys are the most fun to hang around with.
I did know then what I know now. It didn’t help.
I now have the world’s record for fewest hot dogs eaten in an hour. Between noon and one pm I ate no hot dogs. But I did throw up three hot dogs I ate earlier that day, so the record for fewest hot dogs eaten in an hour is negative three.
I used to write poetry. I never was very good at it, but I am kinda proud that I’m the first poet to ever rhyme the words ”Christmas morn’” and “Granny Porn”.
I know the Nazis were bad guys and all that, but you got to give credit where credit id due: Those guys sure were great at marching. They could put on a parade like no one else! They didn’t mess around with clown, silly cars or girl scouts. Just tanks and guys doing that funny straight leg march.
I refuse to go shopping. I know this isn’t PC to say, but I think shopping is women’s work. Still, if I don’t get a girlfriend pretty soon I’m afraid I’ll starve to death.
I discovered a new number. Since I found it, I got to name it after myself. So now it goes 7,8,Tony Myers,9, 10..
I don’t hunt, but I’m thinking of starting. It’s not about the food for me. I’ve just felt for a long time now that the animal kingdom hasn’t been giving me the respect I deserve.
During the Enlightenment the idea was born that laws should be based on reason. Before that all that mattered was that the laws rhymed
.I’m thru with pinball. I was playing in a crowded room playing and the machine said real loud – “You got t An Extra Ball!” . I got enough of that crap back from those bullies in junior high gym class, I’m not going to put up with in in a game too
I try to live each day like my last. It’s a pretty good way to live, except for bad check fees. And if you do live every day like it’s your last, here’s a tip; just assume that you’re going to die really early in the morning. That way you don’t have to do anything the rest of the day.
The travel channel just tries to tempt me with places I’ll never see and things I’m never going to have. Like a reason to leave the house.
They say you can tell schizophrenics because they hear voices in their head , but that’s just dumb. Everyone who can hear hears voices in their head. Where do you think your ears are located?
I like some of those old Motown bands like The Drifters and The Coasters, but my favorite is the lesser known band, “The Chronically Unemployed”. They were better than The Drifters and The Coasters but they had a hard time showing up for gigs
Dogs are man’s best friend. Other species might start liking us more if we weren’t so insistent on eating them
I’m trying to become like rain man, one of those idiot savant guys. I’m about halfway there and let me tell you, the savant part it WAY harder
.
