The Sedated Ape

One time I was playing roulette and some guy won a little – it was a 5$ inside bet – but his reaction was the best I’ve heard from anyone ever. He screamed “Lordy, Mama! We’s eating biscuits tonight!” Since then I’ve started saying that whenever anything good happens to me. Or I will anyway, assuming something good happens to me one day.

I got in trouble at the laundry mat yesterday, but I don’t think it was really my fault because…
1- there is actually not that much difference between a washing machine and a toliet. They both spin, have water and a drain.

2- You’re supposed to take your laundry out as soon as the machine stops so other people can use it. So if what happend to her clothes was anyone’s fault it’s hers, not mine

I suppose that growing up I would have been considered the black sheep of our family.   Unless you count our pet, Dontrelle Wollybelly.

Good news gang! I just found out that I’m mentioned, by name, in the Bible. So from now on you guys better start treating me with the respect someone of my religious stature deserves.

I don’t know what role I play in God’s plan yet. After I found my name I thought I better start reading it from the beginning and pay attention. So, I don’t know if I’m going to turn out to be a prophet or a disciple or what yet. I don’t think I’m the messiah – it seems like someone would have mentioned it to me by now, but I’m still not that far into reading the book.

You ever try to read that thing? It’s kinda preachy in spots. Oh, and apparently my neighbors have oxen. I’ve never seen an ox in their yard, so I guess they keep them indoors. I think they rent, and it’s hard to believe their lease lets them keep oxen in the house. Oh, and we’re supposed to not try an convert their oxen. Heaven is apparently
getting crowded. I guess since they’re letting Unitarians in now there’s no room for oxen.

This is the biggest break I’ve had in a long time regarding my desire to be a religious leader. I had almost gave up when I couldn’t get my cult off the ground. The idea was that the cult would just be made up of agnostics. But they would join the cult then decide they didn’t want to be in it anymore, then a few momths later they’d show back up again. Agnostics make piss poor zealots.

CORRECTION – Apparently I’m not actually mentioned in the Bible after all. The person who gave it to me inscribed it to me on the inside with a pen and I guess I never noticed it before. So never mind. Feel free to lower your level of respect for me back to my pre icon status.This reminds me of that week I thought I was People’s magazine sexiest man alive before I noticed that my name was just on the mailing label, not the actual cover.

Also, you’re supposed to not COVET oxen, not convert them. The words “covet” and “convert” don’t mean the same thing even though they are spelled and pronounced differently. So feel free to convert all the oxen you want, if that’s what you’re into.

I think self-esteem is important for kids, and I had my dreams crushed early by a guidance consular who told me that my dream was unrealistic and that I would never be able to actually become what I really wanted to be – an Oscar Meyer Wiener, due to my poor test scores and OSHA  and FDA regulations.
It’s too late for me, but I’ve come up with an idea to help the next generations with their self esteem.

I think it’s the law that when you have a kid you have to name it.  If it’s not a law,  it’s at least a tradition and it makes claiming them as dependents much easier.

But I think it would be good for parents not to tell their children what their name really is until they’re twenty one years old. That way kids could always hope that they might actually be someone famous.  Are you going to be nervous trying out for basketball if you think there is an outside shot that you might actually be Michael Jordon? Hell, no. You might already have hundreds of millions of dollars in shoe endorsements deals already as  far as you know.

 How embarrassing would it be to flunk science if you turn out to be Steven Hawking?  Very embarrassing, so they’ll study more because they don’t want to chance it.

 Is a child going to be a skinhead or a neo-nazi  if they think they might learn when they’re 21 that they were really  Malcolm X all along?

You could also use it to influence their  behavior. “Oh, you don’t floss….By the way I read in the paper that Osama Bin Laden doesn’t floss, but that’s probably just a coincidence”.

Of course when they turn 21 and find out that they really are just someone no one (including themselves) have ever heard of, they’ll be pissed off, but they probably should be out of the house by then anyway.

When we were kids we were taught there were two basic groups of people. Hostess Snack Cake people and the Little Debbie snack cake people. We were, and still are, Hostess people.  While we weren’t allowed to openly mock the Little Debbie people, it was still clear that we shouldn’t associate with  people like that.

Little Debbie people tended to live in trailer homes, drank RC cola right out of the bottle and if they went to church at all it would probably be the kind of service where they pass a snake around.  If someone offered us a “fudge round” or a “star crunch” bar we were taught to say NO in a firm voice and then run and tell an adult.

But since then I’ve become a lot more adventurous about what I eat.  If it’s not a weeknight sometimes I’ll order curly fries instead of regular French fries. And once instead of regular lemonade,   I ordered pink lemonade.   And, no, that doesn’t make me queer.

So I thought I’d check out Little Debbie and see how the other half eats.  Good thing I read the box first. There was this advertisement for a picture book about  Little Debbie (who has a pretty nice rack on her,  I had just seen her from the neck up on the boxes before) and her horse named “Oatmeal Creme”.  One of  Little Debbie’s biggest
selling products are “Oatmeal Creme Pies”. There are two possible conclusions I can reach from this.  The best
case scenario would be that they’re using horse meat in their snack cakes.  That’s pretty gross, but it’s better than the other scenario – “Oatmeal Creme” could actually be “making ” “Oatmeal Creme Pies, the way cows make cow pies. I’m afraid  the Little Debbie people may be selling horse shit wrapped in cellophane and calling it a snack cake.  

While they’re trying to scare everyone about mad cows and bird flu, there sneaking horse shit  into our stores and  lunch boxes and calling it a “pie”.  I know pie,  and that isn’t any decent kind of pie

Ho-Jon is pissed.

A couple of years ago I discovered a man who I think may be God. At the very least he’s Godlike. All of it is true. “Everything I tell you about is true, but this is actual”   I’m not making any of this up.

 I don’t usually watch wrestling, and if I did usually watch it, I’d lie about it. But last week I saw the greatest thing I’ve ever seen on television. I’m too young to remember any of those moon landings. I’ve heard that they were pretty cool. So, to be fair, I’ll only go as far as saying it’s one of the top two of the greatest things to have ever happened in the history of television.

They had this large black man who had his head painted up sorta like Darth Maul from Star Wars come out from backstage. He’s missing three of his front teeth, both upper and lower. Okay, so he comes out on this little stage platform with scary music. He’s wearing a big clock on a gold chain around his neck. Like the size of the clocks they used to have in grade school with the big numbers so kids could see them easily. Big ass clock. The very first thing he does, even before he walks to the ring, he takes the clock and smashes it on his own head, shattering the glass and sending shards into his scalp.  I don’t know how much a ticket to a wresting show costs, but if that was the entire show I’d go away happy.  That’s plenty. Where else could you see something like that ? For the cost of the ticket you’d get a story you could tell for the rest of you life. I’d be on my death bed telling the grandkids about the time I saw the huge black guy smash in his head with a clock for no apparent reason.

 But this guy is just warming up. He grabs a tiki torch and walks to the ring. Every fourth steps he does this twitching thing. Like he’s having an elliptic fit, but only on one side of his body. Once I’m able to copy his walk right I’m going to start walking like that myself.When he gets in the ring he screams “I’m the boogeyman …and I’m coming to get you!!!.” But he doesn’t seem to be talking to the guy he’s about to fight. I think he means it sort a like that’s his mission statement.   I think he means everyone.

Then he sings a nursery rhyme. On the match I saw he sang “London Bridge is Falling Down” But my research turned up the fact that he has a pretty big catalog of songs to pick from. He mixes them up.

Then he reaches into his pocket and gets a huge fistful of earthworms.  Not fake pro-wrestling stunt worms. Night crawlers. Living, moving, honest to god worms. He then crammed the worms into his mouth.   Really.   Then he started eating them and fighting his opponent. This is a important.   He didn’t eat the worms THEN fight the guy.   If it was me, that‘s how I would do it , but the Boogeyman is a different breed of cat.  He fights the guy WHILE chewing up the worms.  With still moving worms hanging out of his mouth and worm juice (I’m not sure what term to use to describe half digested worms) running down his chest.   He beat the guy pretty quick .   That’s understandable, if I was fighting that guy I’d not put up much of a fight either.   You’d want to get the whole thing over as quick as possible.   I mean if someone is eating worms in the first two minutes of the match you don’t want to see what else the guy might be holding in reserve just in case the match went long.  And while the Boogeyman is pinning the guy he spits what’s left of the worms onto the guy’s face.   And that’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s what entertainment is supposed to be. (But I do think his guidance consoler should be reprimanded to telling him that something like this would be a viable career option )

 Other tv shows might as well pack up shop and quit .   The “entertainment bar” has been raised and there’s no way shit like “E! True Hollywood Story” or “who’s the boss?” can ever catch up.   And it’s kinda sad too.  Everything else just pales by comparison for me. What could possibly match that? It’s like an Amish guy getting his first look at Vegas, a barn razing just won’t be exciting for him after that.

I hope the guy who lost gets a bonus in his paycheck. He’s a guy willing to go above and beyond the call of duty for his employer. If it was me that day would have had “sick day” written all over it

UPDATE – I’ve become such a big fan of the guy I decided to send him a Christmas present, a case of steaks from http://www.kcsteak.com/. I just wanted to thank the guy for all he’s done for us all. The steak people called me to double check my order. They usually need a full name when they ship something.   I don’t know his real name, it really could be “boogeyman” for all I know.   But I finally got them to just ship it “care of” the company he wrestles for.   I’m pretty sure they’ll know who I mean once it gets there.

The company isn’t called the WWF anymore like it was when I was a kid and watched all the time, BTW. The World Wildlife Fund sued them for taking their name. I guess people were getting confused. Like maybe some guy will show up at a wrestling show expecting it to be a benefit for some endangered fruit bat, but when he gets there it’s just some guys hitting each other with steel chairs. Something like that could tarnish the World Wildlife Fund’s image and make him question the groups priorities. 

Anyway, on the card I just said I was a big fan and suggested that when he wrestles in KC we should hang out together, maybe hit the casinos.  I hope he doesn’t think I’m gay.   That would be awkward.   And potentially fatal.

I’ll let you guys know if I hear back

UPDATE 2 – I’ve found it’s hard to keep up with Him (capitalized on purpose) because it’s frustrating sitting through an entire hour or two hour wrestling show where the Boogeyman is only on for maybe five minutes.   When you have a large black man in the back singing nursery rhymes , hitting himself with a clock and eating worms why would you ever talk about anything else?  That would be like a preacher saying “Christ has returned to Earth last night, he’ll be out to talk to you all a little later, but first I want to tell you all about our bake sale we’re having next week…..”. The first rule of broadcasting is when a guy is eating worms put the camera on him and leave it there. - He doesn’t actually wrestle that often.  Mostly he just sneaks up on people, eats some worms and they run off.  Which is understandable

- He put a handful of worms down some woman’s underwear. I assume  she works for the company.

- She does work for the company because she was back the next week . No one would buy a ticket to a show if some one put worms down your pants the last time you were there.

-This week he bit a large fake mole of the woman’s face, then ate it.  Since the mole was fake it wasn’t as cool as eating the worms, but  still pretty cool. Nobody else would have even thought about doing something like that.

- He finally wrestles and beat a guy that had both a cowboy hat and man boobs.

A list of search terms that people used to get to this page.  It almost sounds like beat poetry -

Hanging snuff sesame street

Ben Franklyn on cabbage

all pages of big fat hen

Unitarian Zombies

 sedated sex

How would a kid draw Ben Franklin?

Horny Goat weed!