The Sedated Ape

I’ve been to the past six Kansas City Royal’s games.  Just counting the tickets and parking, in those six days I’ve spent $246.  During those six games combined they scored 12 runs.  That works out to $20.50 per Royal run.

 At the very least I think each and every one of them owes me a personal apology. 

If I lost $246 in the casinos, I’d at least get a meal comped.

I’ve noticed that strangers don’t treat me with awe,   or give me the respect that I haven’t earned but would enjoy.  So I thought a good way to fix that would be to become a great actor.  After some more thought I decided that it would be just as good, and a lot easier, to just become a well-known  but not necessarily gifted actor.

 So I set out to get myself cast in a play. One of the things I’ve learned over the years it that if you’re not   talented you need a gimmick to succeed.  I can’t act.  And I don’t think I’d be good at memorizing a lot of lines.  In fact, most of the time I have to check my driver’s license to remember my middle name.

It’s “Eugene”.

So I needed a gimmick. I thought that since most of the other people trying out for the part would be able to act, I’d go a different direction and show up to the audition looking more like the character in the play than the rest of the people trying out.

Well, it didn’t work. I didn’t get the part, but it did learn something: If you’re ever  going to get massive amounts of plastic surgery done in hopes of being cast in the lead of a community theater’s production of “The Elephant Man” you should set two alarm clocks the night before so you don’t oversleep and miss the audition.

We live and learn, I’ve noticed.

 What is a  “remembrance”, anyway? I dislike the word - it seems to be trying to make the word “remember”  into something it wasn’t made for. It’s an awkward word used by awkward people - like  the “decider”

That’s only the tip  of the iceberg of things I dislike about the sappy “moment of remembrance” on memorial day. Like -

It’s a government sponsored thing. I assumed it was like the “Elks” of the “VFW” was behind the whole thing, but nope - tax dollars are paying for those sappy commercials.

It encourages misuse of the word “hero”.  A guy who got drafted went to war and got shot is not, necessarily,  a hero.  If he didn’t go, the government would have tried to have him locked up.  He’s just a poor guy who got shot.

 The slogan goes “one nation, one moment” but they encourage people to shut up and be silent at 3pm local time. There are nine different time zones in the U.S.  So it’s really “one nation, nine moments”. 

 And since time zones were only adopted since 1919 all of the dead guys in previous wars will not know about time differences and think most of the country is ignoring them.

And shouldn’t you go by the time zone the guy was killed in, since that was the last time zone he knew? So if a guy died in Japan shouldn’t his “moment of remembrance actually be yesterday (or tomorrow - I’m too lazy to look it up to see if they’re a day ahead or behind us)?

 How can you have a “remembrance” for people you never met? Most of the dead guys died many, sometimes hundreds, of years before I was born. How can I have a remembrance of people I don’t remember?

Why do we think that just standing still and shutting up for a little bit is the best way to remember the dead?

And the most obvious: DEAD PEOPLE CANT HEAR YOU!  MAKE ALL THE NOISE YOU WANT, THEY WON’T BE BOTHERED A BIT. 

http://www.cafepress.com/SedatedApe

I just made this because I wanted a shirt myself, I’m not trying to make any money from it.  There’s no mark-up or anything like that - it’s all at the base price they charge for stuff.   So if you want a shirt, there you go. There might be more stuff there someday, or there might not. This is a pretty half assed commitment for me

After I posted that thing about a couple of days ago about the third party presidental campaigns I looked up one of my favorites, Jack Grimes. He was the guy who ran as a fascist, worships Satan and lives with his mother. 

 Well, Jack is back for 2008.   He’s under the impression that he’s running against George Bush this time too. When you’re busy hanging with the Dark Lord in your mother’s apartment you don’t have time  to read the twenty-second amendment of the United States Constitution!

But the best part is that Jack put up a new picture of himself for this year’s campaign.   In ‘04 he wore this spaceman looking jumpsuit. His girlfriend was also in the picture, wearing an identical jumpsuit. He’s flying solo this year and has updated his look to this:

A lot of road signs are pretty dumb. Like the ones that say “Open Trench” .They should just say “trench”. We know that it’s open, that’s the nature of a trench. An enclosed trench is a tunnel . Or the “Right lane Must Turn Right” signs - It should just say “Right lane SHOULD Turn Right”. I won’t be bossed around by any sign . Besides, I don’t often have a very good idea where the car is going, so I don’t see how the department of transportation would. It’s really a crapshoot trying to guess what I’ll be doing from one moment to the next.

On VH1 they had a show called “Celeb’s Hottest Pets”. It’s a bad show. Besides being proof that there is a severe shortage of entertainment in this country, the pets weren’t even that hot. There was about 20 pets in the show and I’d only even consider fucking two of them.

There is a line in Braveheart that goes “All men die. Not all men really live” -which sorta proves that “really living” is a waste of time.

I saw a beaver on the side of the road and I was disappointed because he was just sitting there, not busy at all. Then I realized that he was probably just watching for the cops while the other beavers were busy doing something like stripping a stolen Camaro for parts.

I always thought I’d make a good hit man. I work well with children.

“Any Solider” is a great program - they send out care packages to random soldiers in in Afghanistan or Iraq who might not get much mail otherwise. I’ve been doing that for a couple of years now. Most of the time I send them bags of sand so they can get good traction with their tanks and Humvees.

The Special Olympics are never going to be able to compete with the real Olympics until they have all the same events. I’d buy a ticket to see special Olympics Kick Boxing. They wouldn’t even have to make them wear the head guards. If you think about it, that would be like closing the barn door after the horses are gone. Or fencing - I don’t care what anyone thinks - you give two retards swords and you have you some good television

On the discovery channel this week they’re doing specials about paranormal phenomena that that some people swear exists, but no one has been able to confirm it with science. Yesterday they had a show about UFO’s. Tomorrow is Bigfoot. Friday it’s going to be about the clitoris

They actually have dog psychologists now. I tried it, but I think that if your problems are serious you’d be better off to go and spend the extra cash and talk to a human. That was the first time I’ve been to see a therapist, but I have watched a lot of “The Bob Newhart Show” and I just don’t think a well trained therapist would spend the entire session trying to hump your leg. It seems unethical

If you go to England and want to see Princess Di’s grave you have to buy a ticket. Being able to leech money off your subjects while in the process of decaying is quite a feat.

On the side of cereal boxes where they have nutrition stuff, they should make them tell you what color the milk will be when you’re done with it. If it just stays white I don’t want to even bother with it. A suggestion: buy coco pebbles and instead of regular milk, use chocolate milk. It’s so great you can actually hear your teeth rot.

The way you wear your hat,
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they cant take that away from me*

*Unless the patriot act holds up in the supreme court.

I’ve found a way to combine two over the counter products to make a new better medicine. I wonder if I have to get permission from the people who make both products, or is my discovery considered a whole new product? …I think I can improve NyQuil so that it’ll be “The coughing, sneezing, stuffy head fever so you can rest and bring people back from the dead medicine” The trick is to mix the Nyquil with equal parts of Listerine.

I’ve been pretty busy lately. My work has finally paid off because I have succeeded in discovering a new , second, 100 percent original sin. I’m still waiting until I get confirmation from the Vatican. I’m impatient, but I know the Pope is probably still busy because of all the fuss his comments about Islam caused. (Who would have thought that a member of Hitler’s Youth would grow up the be intolerant of people with different religious beliefs than his own?) So I can’t really describe my discovery here yet. Since I’m still not sure if my new discovery need to be patented, trademarked, copyrighted or what. Since there hasn’t been a new original sin since Adam and Eve got kicked out, there’s not much precedent about how something like this should be handled to ensure me getting all the royalties from the sin I have coming to me. I can tell you that it’s going to be named after me. Every time someone tries to fuck a genetically cloned sheep they’re going to remember the name “Tony Myers”. I’ve probably said too much already, so I’ll just leave it at that for now.

(I wrote this right before the ‘o4 election. All of it is pretty much real stuff I found on the candidates web pages. None of them were elected , in case you were wondering and don‘t keep up with politics)

Since most people seem to be unhappy about the choice of people we have to pick from in the election I thought I’d look up some of our other choices we have besides Bush, Kerry, or Nader.

Well, the “Peace & Freedom Party” is running Leonard Peltier. He doesn’t get invited to most of the debates because he’s busy serving two consecutive lifesentences in federal prison for helping to kill two FBI agents. His other work history includes both migrant farm work and auto-body repair. He left school at the age of 14. His running mate has never met him, but from her picture I’m guessing she’s out to get the “truck stop whore” vote.

Gene Edmondson is running for president on the “Concerns of the People (Prohibition) Party He’s a professional temperance lecturer. He reenacts early-1900s evangelist Billy Sunday’s “Sermon Against Alcohol”. I wouldn’t have thought there would be enough of a demand for Billy Sunday impersonators that someone to make a living from it, but what do I know? He’s available to perform at parties, so if you think your party might benefit from a 100 year old sermon about the evils of drinking, give him a call. He also does an Tom Jones medley as an encore. Also he’s the only candidate who got his picture for his website done at glamour shots. Rounding off the ticket is Leroy Pletten for VP. He lost a race for local school board in 2003 as the party’s nominee (He only managed 6% of the vote) — but he notes in party literature that he’s “been elected twice to the board of directors of his condominium owner’s association.”

Lessening their chances is the fact that the party has split in two.   Earl Dodge is running for president on the plain ole “Prohibition Party” ticket. It’s not that often when you see the word “prohibition” and “party” in the same sentence. Earl owns a campaign button mail-order business.   He’s got a high school diploma and attended the Narcotics Institute. Why the hell didn’t any teacher or guidance counselor ever tell me that narcotics school was even anoption!? His Veep , Howard Lydick is a lawyer who launched (and chairs) the “Independent Committee on Alcohol & Drugs for United Methodists” - apparently because so many Methodists don’t know how to score the really good shit

Charles Jay is your Personal Choice Party. Charles is a bookie. He wants people to know that he’s single “and not necessarily looking”. Apparently he’s sick and tired of getting hassled by chicks who dig guys who look like unbaked cookie dough with spiked hair. His running mate is Marilyn Chambers. Really. That one. Her bio says “In the late 1990s, Chambers made a successful return to porn”, and you know how picky those guys are about letting people back in. She also claims to be one of the oldest stars to regularly appear these days in mainstream porn. And isn’t that something to be so very proud of? She also has a gun shop and has the second biggest tits of anyone who has ever ran for vice president behind only Geraldine Ferraro’s 38DDD’s

You’d think that if any party would be good at working together the socialists would be the ones, but nope. They’ve split into three parties.

Walt Brown is the “Socialist Party USA” candidate He’s running on the platform of “Looking more like W.C Fields than any other candidate”   Mary Alice Herbert is the hopeful VP. Alice claims to be 68, but from her picture it looks like they may have left off a digit. She used to be a member of the Liberty Union Party, a socialist party active only in Vermont. In 1996 she was the LU nominee for Governor against Howard Dean. Her bio doesn’t say, but I’m at least 75% sure she lost that one. Her campaign strategy is simply to make “pithy statements” in speeches and letters to the editor. Well, there you go. But I’m not sure how well pithy comments and letters to the editor will help us in the fight on terror, but it’s worth a shot, I guess.  It’s may be one of those situations were people say “that’s crazy enough it just might work”. But, in general, that’s a really inefficient mode of problem solving.I think it’s best to start with sane ideas and work your way down. She also claims that in 1847 she fucked Martin Van Buren in exchange for some candy.

Bill Van Auken is the Socialist Equality Party candidate. The only really interesting thing about him is that he’s a dead ringer for Gomez from the Adams Family. His VP is just a normal guy with really big ears

Roger Calero is the Socialist Workers Party Presidential Nominee. He’s special because even if he was elected president he couldn’t serve - or even vote for himself - since he’s  not a citizen and was busted for selling pot back in ’88. Arrin Hawkins, VP,  can’t vote either.   She’s too young to hold the office she’s seeking, but there has been a scandal about her age. But, even if she really is as old as they claim she’d still be too young. She also was busted for pot and was almost deported

John Parker is running on the Workers World Party ticket. He’s just a normal enough guy but his VP, Teresa Gutierrez, brings a lot to the table. She refers to business owners as “capitalist pigs” and corporate globalization as “bloodsucking, murderous imperialism.” Gutierrez advocates a change through armed uprising instead of elections. So it would seem like this whole election thing is a waste of her time. Still, there wouldn’t be much gridlock in the senate when the senators know that, given a choice, the President of the Senate would really prefer to shoot you in the head. An angry, angry lesbian.

Tom Harens says he’s running on “Christian Freedom Party” ticket, but agrees his party “technically” doesn’t have any members.

A.J. Albritton touts himself as the nominee of the “American Republican Party” - it appears he is also the only party member. He describes the purpose of his campaign as follows: “The American candidate who is also the Victorian Candidate. The Victorian Era to be the New Model Victorian Era — from the male point of view.” And It’s about fucking time someone did that! He also wants to rewrite the national anthem (using the melody from the theme from cheers) and wants to move the nation’s capital from DC, but won’t say where it’s going to.

Sterling Allan “New Awakening Party (”or whatever name we end up choosing for it”).” Allan is dedicated to establishing “Zion” - “the gospel and government of God working in harmony for the improvement and sanctification of all things. The kingdom of heaven on earth”. He was kicked out of the Mormons because of his strange beliefs. And that’s one hell of an accomplishment. While a lot of candidates believe that God is on their side, Alan is the only one to offer proof. His 2004 candidacy was foretold in Alphabetics Bible Code. He also maintains that his election is essential to avoid the coming of World War III. But he hedges his bets - he also sells survivalist emergency supplies online.

Retired school teacher Fred Cook’s campaign web-page asks voters to “right” his name in on the ballot.

Ronald Gascon is a writer who explains that he assumed the identity “John Galt Jr.” several years ago after being deeply influenced by the John Galt character in Ayn Rand’s classic libertarian novel “Atlas Shrugged”.

Jack Grimes — who previously ran for President as a write-in candidate in 2000 — bills himself as the “Leader and Director of the United Fascist Union.” He wants to restore a New World Order based upon the governmental style of Imperial Rome and “to institute a military dictatorship form of government over the Earth”. Citing to Cayce and Nostradamus, Grimes predicts that “theUnited States will be reduced from its present size to a small triangular shaped land mass through the loss of many of its coastal states. Jack is a Satan worshiper who lives with his mother.

Darren Karr wanted to create a new entity called “Party X” — as in Generation X — but he now seems to be running as an independent. Karr supports abolition of income taxes, an end to political correctness, an end to federal government involvement in schools, an increase to at least 30-days of paid vacation time for workers, and “eventually see a four-day work week without a reduction in pay. He says he will never accept corporate money or favors. (for the same reason I’ll never accept a blowjob from Thora Birch. It’s not that I wouldn’t be willing to beg for that, but the odds of her offering are exactly zero)

John Joseph Kennedy sees the 9/11 attacks as an “inside job” directed by the Bush administration. He also blames Bush for hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and earthquakes

Joe Martyniuk is the most honest candidate by a long shot. In his bio he says “I’m a short dumpy guy, who stutters and stammers when I talk. All the mud they’ll sling at me, all the bad things you’ll hear, are true”. Damn that’s refreshing!

Muadin - is running for president and refuses to use his first name

Jeffrey Peters “Boston TV Party”, vowed to dump some TV sets into Boston harbor to protest the exclusion of third party candidates from presidential debates. It didn’t work

Dan Snow promises an end to vulgar and profane music being played on public TV and radio.

Larry Topham — He says his “favorite food” is “wheat”. He refuses to use currency. His big moment in the spotlight was when he entered the closed Utah Capitol building around  midnight by telling a guard that he worked there. When police officers later found him hiding in a toilet stall, he claimed to be the Secretary of State. He was pepper sprayed .  He still thinks he’s the secretary of State of the State of Utah.

Since we have two different holidays for people who died for our country, I think it would be nice to have a holiday for all those people who died BECAUSE of our country.