I don’t really like Mexican food very much myself, but I just just wanted to offer my congratulations to the fine folks at Taco Bell for their invention of “Fourth Meal” that I learned about watching their commercials. It’s the greatest meal related breakthrough since the discovery of “Brunch” all the way back in 1896.
Archive for May, 2007
During Bike Week in Daytona Beach this year 1970′s stuntman Evel Knievel found Jesus. He said, “All of a sudden, I just believed in Jesus Christ. I did, I believed in him! … I rose up in bed and, I was by myself, and I said, ‘Devil, Devil, you bastard you, get away from me. I cast you out of my life.’ … I just got on my knees and prayed that God would put his arms around me and never, ever, ever let me go.”
That’s not the part I find interesting.
The next week he told his story on a TV preacher’s show and he got baptized. In a spontaneous response 800 people came forward for baptism and to commit their lives to God.
Eight hundred people were waiting to see which side a 68 year old motorcycle daredevil would choose in the the battle between between good and evil before they were willing to decide for themselves if they wanted to reject Satan or not.
That’s the part I find interesting.
If England had any sense they would change their national anthem to something besides “God Save the Queen”. It’s like that “boy who cried wolf” story. One day they might really need for God to step in and save the Queen, but he won’t pay attention because he’ll just assume that someone is just singing the anthem before some soccer match.
Consumer advice – never buy a hang glider “as is” without some follow up questions regarding what they mean by the word “is”.
If I had a flame thrower school the entire first day would be devoted to how to make sure if your enemies are downwind.
I got a phone call from my mother. She said “Guess what? Your father has started raising a family of opossums as pets”. It was a good thing she didn’t wait for me to guess. If she didn’t give me a lot of hints it would have taken me a really long time to guess that, and it was a long distance call.
I joined the AAA auto club. I think the way it works is that if my car ever breaks down some minor league baseball players will come and play catch with me on the side of the road while I’m waiting for the tow truck to get there.
I asked a very pretty girl if she would come home with me for sex. She said” Over my dead body”. I told her to just forget it. I’m not into that kinda thing, you weirdo.
Gerber sells life insurance policies for babies. The woman on the commercial said she bought a policy because she “wanted to provide the best for her baby“. That’s not true though. What she really wanted to do is provide the best for her baby’s corpse.
I bought a vacuum cleaner I saw advertised on TV. They said “try it for 30 days and if you’re not completely happy you could return it for a full refund.” I couldn’t do it for whole 30 days though. After the fortieth hour of constant vacuuming I was so tired and bored just had to go to sleep. The ad was misleading anyway – when I tried to return it the lady that answered the phone said that they meant that you’d only be completely happy in regard to the vacuum, and they weren’t promising that vacuum cleaner ownership would make you completely happy from an overall mental health point of view. I guess I should have known that a $150 household appliance wouldn’t help you reach Nirvana. Still, I think if that was their policy they should’ve mentioned it in the ad.
I went to one of those old fashioned Tent Revivals. It was pretty cool I guess, but I didn’t expect that old school camping enthusiasts would be that religious. They talked a lot more about Jesus and Satan than they did about tents. They did demonstrate how waterproof some of the equipment was by dunking some people into a tub of water. That was pretty neat.
At my dentist’ s office they started having you wear safety goggles while they work on your teeth. I’m not sure that I want to keep going to a dentist whose aim is so bad that he thinks he might miss your mouth and accidentally put the drill in your eye
On all those MAAD billboards that show a picture of a kid that was killed by a drunk driver the kid is always attractive. I wonder if drunks aim their cars at nice looking kids all the time, or if MADD is afraid that if they put ugly kids on the signs people might be encouraged to run over the ugly kids on purpose.
The following is a real quote from a book called “Coolidge Days” by Edmund W. Starling. Starling was a secret service guy during Calvin Coolidge’s presidency. Mostly the book is just normal security guard stuff, but then out of the blue he writes this – click on it to make it big enough to read:
And that’s it – he never mentions it again in the whole book!
The event doesn’t even get it’s own paragraph!
If it was my book, I think I’d work that into the title – something like “Calvin Coolidge Forced Me To Use His Vibrator While He Watched (and other stories)”. It would be a kinda embarrassing title, granted, but the book sales would more than make up for it.
When I was in school there was a girl named Monique Idoux. Real name- pronounced “I do”. Drop dead gorgeous – supermodel type.
I was always wearing my Beatle t-shirts or ties (not at the same time) and one day in some class her more normal looking roommate told me that her roommate, Monique, was fanatical about the Beatles.
Well, that set the plan in motion. They lived one floor above me and about two rooms over. So I kept watching for her to come in the building then I would start playing my bootlegs really loud. I guess I thought she would rush in and say “Alternate tracks! Take me now, you beast!!!”
It didn’t work, but it was the best idea I came up with.
Trivia: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was actually one of the the first victims of identify theft.
And before the song was popular Schmidt was working as an undercover agent for the CIA. He eventually had to resign because after the song got popular every time he would leave the house people would always shout “There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt”, thus blowing his cover.
If you swish wine in your mouth for awhile then spit it back out it’s called a wine tasting, but it you do the same thing with cheese burgers it’s called an eating disorder.
(these are some of the words people put into a search engine to get to this page)
the black guy who works in the gym and I sleeping a lot,
when a guy gets red and twitches does it assume that you are
and assume you are 1?
“pie alamo”? After life, the zombies
ONE FAT HEN RULES, Little Debbie Nazi!