The Sedated Ape

I only watch wrestling for the black guy who eats worms ( http://sedatedape.com/2007/04/18/355/ ) who, by the way, now  has a midget clone of himself who eats worms with him.   If I ever hit the lottery I’m going to hire that midget to follow me around wherever I go.  How cool would that be?  I submit - VERY.

 But according to the news there was another ( non worm eating)   guy who worked for the company who decided to kill his family then  himself.  In that order.  I guess he was just trying to keep up with my worm eating friend in coolness.  And while I appreciate the effort he put into entertaining me -   most people wouldn’t be willing to kill their family just to keep me entertained.  That said, however, I can’t help but think he went too far and crossed a line into a moral gray area.

The worst part is that he used a foreign object to do it! Where was the ref? He should have automatically been disqualified as soon as he killed his wife. Unless it was some sort of No DQ hardcore murder suicide deal.

Who would’ve thought a man named “the crippler” could have been capable of violence like that? I mean you expect someone like that to cripple people.  That’s a given.  But if he wanted to kill people he should have changed his nickname to avoid confusion about his agenda.

Still,  his family shares some of the blame.   If his wife and kid were about to die they should have tapped out first. 

And what kinda of woman marries a man who brags that he cripples people?  You’d need to give that a lot of consideration before you set a wedding date.

I went to a five star restaurant in Canada once, but it was disappointing. I forgot that they use the metric system over there, so it was really like about a two and a half star restaurant here.

I don’t usually care about celebrity trials, but I hope they  do give Phil Spector the death penalty. I don’t really  care if he shot that actress or not, but the man has to pay for adding that stupid choir and harp to “The Long And Winding Road” against Paul’s wishes.

You know what’s stupid? People who take LSD and think they can fly. If you’re on LSD you’re lucky if they even  let you on a bus.

I saw a car commercial where they bragged that the car came with an “onboard navigation system”. Big deal, every car has that. On most models it’s called a “steering wheel”.

Just out of curiosity, who would have to die to me make me God?

The reason they call those people who work at Wal-Mart “people greeters” instead of just “greeters” is because they know if they weren’t that specific their employees would spend most of their time talking to the shopping carts.

Someone the other day told me “don’t play dumb”. So far that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

At a job I used to have they listed “paternity leave” as one of their benefits. That’s not a benefit, that would happen no matter what. If I ever get someone pregnant I’m damn sure going to leave. I might have to do it in the middle of the night on a greyhound bus with all my clothes in a garbage bag, but I’ll damn sure leave.

Know what’s horrible? In the US the average age for a poll worker is 72. That’s disgraceful on so many levels. It’s awful that they would NEED money that bad that they would consider doing something like that, but it’s even worse that there are actually people willing to pay someone that age to do it. (CORRECTION: I had “poll workers” and “pole dancers” confused. They aren’t actually the same thing. )

All Seinfeld plots are dependent on there only being about 12 people in New York and they are all linked in someway to all the other 11 without the main characters being aware of any of the connections. There - now if you ever write for a sitcom, that’s all you need to know to be a big hit. Please remember to mention me in your Emmy acceptance speech.

I was getting pretty sick of house arrest, so I figured out where I could hide where they would never look for me - a city jail cell. Sorta like in the “The Purloined Letter” by Edgar Allan Poe - I’d hide in plain sight. Here’s some advice I’ll give you for free. If you’re planning on stealing ideas from a famous author try to pick one that wasn’t a raging alcoholic.

Remember the scene in the movie, “Miracle on 34th Street” where Santa is on trial and they bring in all those dozens of bags of letters people sent him to use as evidence? I had something like that happen in a court case I was involved in. It wasn’t as sweet and heartwarming in real life as it was in the movie. Probably because I never claimed to be Santa  and I  was on trial for stealing people’s mail.

It turns out that Lady Bird Johnson is still alive.

I don’t have anything funny to say about that, but man -  that just doesn’t seem right.

UPDATE - 7/11/07 : Nevermind.

When I first wrote that I used  “Rose Kennedy”. When she died, I switched it to the Grampa from the Munsters.  Then he died, so I switched to Lady Bird Johnson. I haven’t decided who to curse next.

I’m really glad that a tick has never gotten inside my nose. That would be horrible.  Getting it out would be a terrible ordeal, but that wouldn’t be the worst part.  If that ever happened to me I know I’d  spend the rest of my life picking around in there all the time to check and see if another one got in. That’s no way to live.  I’d never be able to stop thinking about ticks, and I already think about them more than I’d like to. 

 This is the second tick related  post this week.

Real news story:  “TOKYO — Tomoji Tanabe is the world’s oldest man — and now has the certificate to prove it.  The former Japanese city land surveyor is 111.  Monday, he was honored by the Guinness Book of World Records. Tanabe said it’s nothing special, but added that he doesn’t want to die.”

I like that last sentence very much. 

If I ever live to be 111 I’m going to end all of my sentences with the words: ” I don’t want to die”.

One more fetish I don’t understand.

You can tell a lot about the different sexes attitudes towards their friends by how they’re treated at weddings. The guy’s best friend is called the “best man”. The woman’s friends are asked to be “maids.”. The very best they can hope for is to be called the “maid of honor”, which sounds like what they’d call the employee of the month at Motel 6.

Well, now I’ve seen everything! So, that’s out of the way.

Looking back, I guess we were poor growing up, but we never knew it. We were also stupid and didn’t know it, which goes a long way towards explaining our naivety regarding our financial situation.

I joined six months ago and so far all they’ve sent is books on gardening and a few cookbooks.  I sure don’t get how The Okra Book Club ever got so popular.

I need to come up with a better pick up line than “Wanna see a dead body?”.

 A long time ago I was invited to watch  someone get baptized in a lake near the Ozarks. About five feet away from them I saw a used rubber was floating in the water. Although I don’t think it matters from a theological point of view, I do think I probably should have said something about it.

Worse will never come to worst. Worst is already worst. That’s why it’s called “worst”.

They arrested this guy that they found out had kept a 15 year old girl locked in a cage at his house for over a year. They charged him with kidnapping but they said that they were still investigating to see if he had taken part in any “inappropriate behavior with the girl”. I would’ve thought that keeping someone in a cage for a year would, by itself, be considered, “inappropriate”.

 At the ballpark they had four F-16s fighter fly low over the stadium for “Military Appreciation Day”. It was pretty neat, you could see what it must be like to be a Muslim without having to die a few seconds later. Real thing: At that same game there were 17 different ceremonial first pitches.

I saw a bumper sticker that said: “An opera singer AGAINST George Bush”. I think that idea should probably be split up into two different stickers. It would be like one that said “Teamsters like Carlsbad Caverns”. Both ideas are fine, but they seem to be two separate topics.

Secret now makes a product called “Clinical Strength Deodorant”. I’d hate to have to work at a clinic like that.

I hate it when women I date try to change me. I’ve told them a hundred times, the Depends are just a convenience thing for me. I’m perfectly capable of changing them myself. If I wanted to, it’s just that they’re expensive and I like to try to make them last as long as I can so I can get my money’s worth .

 I started this 1-900 information line. “Two dollars a minute - no questions asked.” You’d be surprised how difficult a concept like “no questions asked” is for some people to understand.  

I didn’t die from the wisdom tooth thing.

 The experience wasn’t as bad as people were telling me it would be.   Still,  it was the first time I’ve ever thought  “Why can’t they make pudding softer?”.

 The two nurses  were both singing along with the  radio the whole time they were waiting for me to pass out. ” Some Guys
Have All The Luck” by Rod Stewart.  I didn’t mind exactly, but it  seemed kinda unprofessional.

They were both very pretty and I assume  they were overcome with lust and had there way with me while I was
out. That’s what I’m telling people happened, anyway.

 I got a prescription for Vicodin, but the one for the Penicillin turned out to be the more interesting one.

On the paper the druggist gives you  that lists side effects,  it said (among lots of other stuff) that during the first  week or so  I should watch out for vaginal irritation and yeast infections.

 That was problematic because at present I don’t know any women who would let me watch their twat for infections  for seven whole days.

So I went back to the girl at the pharmacy and asked if she would let me watch her -  Even though the sign said they would help people with the use of  their medicine, she wouldn’t.

So I tried going back to the dentist and asked the women there if I could watch theirs, and they said no too.  And they were the ones who gave me the prescription in the first place! I had just gave them $1,250  for the surgery and they still refused to help me!   How can anyone  follow doctor’s orders if your  very own doctors won’t help you? That kinda bullshit is exactly why we need socialized medicine.  

Finally I just gave up and started spending most of my time in strip clubs so I could watch out for yeast infections there. I didn’t find anyway, thank God, but I’ve enjoyed the hunt.

The only problem is that whenever the dancers change shifts I have to tell all the new girls:  ”No thank you, I don’t want a lap dance.  I’m just here because of my teeth”.

Facts about water parks: There are over a thousand of them in the US alone. (There are only 1,600 total, so it sounds more impressive to just quote the US numbers) . According to the water parks association webpage water parks are pretty great , so great they developed an association around the concept! And 1,700, 000 people visited the “Typhoon Lagoon” park in 2003 even though the name of the park makes it should like a natural disaster. That’s 1,699, 960 more people than visited me in 2003 and I didn’t even qualify for disaster relief funds that year (In 1998 I did. Long story .) That park must have brought in hundreds of dollars in revenue. Literally hundreds.

Now ask your self which of the following scenarios is the most exciting. “Look, someone spilled water in the kitchen!”, or “ Look, the kitchen is on fire!” ?

Fire, obviously, is much more exciting. So, I’m going to open the first “fire park”.