The Sedated Ape

At one thirty tomorrow afternoon I will undergo a surgical procedure  that is too complex for me to be able to dumb down to the point where  most  laymen could understand it.  Wisdom teeth are involved.  Mine.

I’m writing this because I know that if I were not to survive the  surgery many of you would feel  that life without me in it  just wouldn’t be  worth living and I  think my death could cause a rash of suicides,  like with those kids when the guy from Nirvana died.  ( I can’t  remember his name – I want to say “Buddha”, but I don’t think that’s right).  I want you all to know that I encourage this. Mass suicides  over the loss of  someone of my stature would be a just and moving tribute.

Some of the more cowardly among you of may decide to struggle on with life, but devote their remaining years to creating monuments and writing epic poems in my memory.

As to the monument – it should be similar to the Washington monument  only larger so that the size and shape with remind people of both my  importance and the size of my freakishly huge genitalia.

The epic poems about me must rhyme. If it doesn’t rhyme, it’s not a  poem.  It’s just writing with irregular line breaks.

If it’s possible I’ll haunt each and every one of you who don’t follow  these  wishes.  And I won’t be one of those friendly ghosts or like the ghosts that just try to get you to enjoy Christmas. I’ll be more like  those ghosts in The Shining that try to talk you into killing your  family. So you better honor and mourn me right, if you know what’s  good for you

In conclusion: if I die keep you should keen asking yourself what you could have personally done to make my time here on earth just a little better.
 

 Hey! It’s a wiener dog!

The dyslexia foundation is raising money to build a monument to the 23 people with dyslexia who died in the terrorist attacks of November ninth.

You remember how on the Wonder Woman TV show when she wanted to change from being Diana Prince to Wonder Woman she spun around a few times then there would be a big explosion and when the dust cleared she’s be in her Wonder Woman outfit? Well, it’s a good thing the terrorists haven’t figured out how she did that. Wonder Woman could’ve been the very fist recyclable suicide bomber.

I don’t think the Koran would allow women to go around in public wearing a American Flag swimsuit though, so I guess that may be why they never bothered trying to develop the technology for the Jihad And even if it wasn’t strictly forbidden, the flag aspect of the costume would probably send mixed messages.

That invisible plane of hers could also cause a lot of trouble if it fell into the wrong hands. Can you imagine what would happen if they crashed it into a building? There would be invisible debris everywhere. It would take years to get it all cleaned up and people would always be tripping over it or hitting parts of the plane with their cars. Cleaning up invisible stuff must be a pretty dull and thankless job. I doubt you could even get Mexicans to agree to do it. Picking cabbage is a bad job, but at least they can see the cabbage they’re trying to pick.

I watched Wonder Woman a lot when I was a kid. She was probably the best female superhero. The show wasn’t as far fetched as that “Six Million Dollar Woman” show was. Lindsay Wagner was very pretty back in the 70’s, granted, but I still don’t think anyone would be willing to spend six million dollars on a prostitute no matter how great she looked.

PS – I didn’t actually remember that Wonder Woman’s alter ego was called Diana Prince. I looked it up on wikipedia. I’m not so much of a geek that I would’ve remembered something like that.

When Louis  Prima died in 1979 his family had this inscribed on his tomb :  ”When the end comes, I know, they’ll all say ‘just a gigolo’ as life goes on without me. Lovingly, your little family…”

I know that’s a line from one of his biggest hits, but I  still don’t think that’s an acceptable epitaph. Basically all his family is  saying is  ”You’re a male prostitute that won’t be missed”.

I don’t think people should be allowed to insult you on your own tombstone.

It’s been almost six months since I started this blog-thing, and it’s really starting to get a cult following.  Satanists mostly, but I have picked up some Branch Davidians and I’m working on getting the word out among the UFO cults. 

Just six months ago there were no “hits” at all and now there almost 50,000. That’s more than a 50,000 percent increase! At this rate,  in a few years from now every man, woman and child on the planet  will be doing nothing but reading  my web page twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week!

I’ve decided that I’m going to have a little contest and give the 50,000th visitor to my page a great prize: My Teeth!

I’m having all four of my wisdom teeth cut out  next Friday and one lucky reader will win all four!

The teeth are in like new condition with all the original enamel. They were only brushed on Sunday afternoons by a little old lady I hire to brush my teeth for me.

These teeth are a limited edition collectible. Only four exist, and when they’re gone there gone! I won’t be making any more! Plus you’ll get the X-rays I had done.   The X-rays will even be autographed ( a $100 dollar value!)!  (By someone,  probably not me. I’m a busy man and I outsource stuff like that)  so you can prove that the teeth are actually mine and not just some counterfeit copies of of my teeth that can be fond on the black market and ebay.

Will these wisdom teeth relics  magically give the winner great wisdom beyond most people’s understanding? Maybe!

I don’t know if you can get my DNA from teeth, but if you can you could use my teeth to clone a massive unholy army of clone warriors! You don’t need an unholy army? Instead, try making an unholy barbershop quartet!

There’s no limit to the wonderful things you’ll be able to do with my teeth if you win! Think of how impressed your friends will be when they see that you have my teeth framed in your living room above the fireplace!

Of course I’ll have no way to know for sure who’s the 50,000th visitor, so we’re going to do this on the honor system. If it feels like you were number 50,000 e-mail me right away to claim your prize.

In the case of a tie one winner will receive an alternate prize of equal or greater value that also was once inside my body

 No purchase is necessary to win because there really isn’t anything for you to purchase