The Sedated Ape

I read travel guides a lot.  I don’t travel a lot, I just like to read about it. They’re often very poorly written.

One  book about Belgium starts with “The nation only came into being in 1830, but the lands that form Belgium lay claim to a long history”.  Couldn’t you say that about practically any spot at all on the entire planet? All of the land has about  4.5 billion years worth of history.

In a guide about Africa it pointed out that “Rates of sexually transmitted disease  are higher in cities and towns”. So I guess if you want to get laid in Africa you should try to find one of those “wandering alone in the desert far away from civilization” prostitutes.

 It also downplays awful things about  some of the countries to a startling degree. One paragraph begins with this sentence: “It took precisely one hundred days, from April to July 2004,  for 800,000 Rwandans  to lose their lives”.  The very same paragraph ends with “Bird life is astonishingly diverse, and there is ample wildlife besides, most famously mountain gorillas”.   The paragraph  went from “genocide” to “pretty birds’ in  just 156 words.

That book was worth the price, though, because I found out that the Maasai tribes had a phrase for the pants wearing European invaders: “Iloridaa enjekat”.  That means “those who conceal their farts”.

I think that’s worth $16.99.

Anthony Myers  was managing director of AIM Global Advisors Limited at the time of the merger between INVESCO and AIM and transferred to his present role of Chief Operating Officer, INVESCO Global  in January 1998.  I don’t know what any of those things even are. This man is not me.

This happy elf named Anthony Myers owes $14,226 dollars in child support.  He is only 40 days older than me and according to the deadbeat dad webpage he lives about thirty miles away from me, but this is not me.  I’m not nearly that fruity looking and have never fathered a child or wore a faggy turtleneck sweater.  This man is not me.

I haven’t heard back yet, but last Thursday I wrote The Cookie Monster a letter.  I’ve noticed that when he eats only about 3o% of his food actually ends up anywhere near his mouth. I have the same problem when I eat.  I suggested that when he’s done eating he should check the floor for pieces of cookies that he may have missed.  That way he could pick up the crumbs and mush them all together.  It would almost as good as having additional cookies.  The drawback, of course, is that’s he would be eating something that was just on the floor. But considering the passion and energy he has when he eats I think it’s likely he wouldn’t be worried about something like that.

 If I hear back from him I’ll let you all know if he takes my advice. It might take a while. In October I sent a letter to “The Count” suggesting that he should have himself checked for obsessive compulsive disorder.  I think anyone who takes that  much enjoyment out of counting to four must have some type of mental problems.  I still haven’t’ heard back from him either.

Bonus Cookie Monster Sex Tip : If you’re going down on a girl don’t try to do your Cookie Monster impression while you’re doing it. It’s pretty funny, but it will spoil the mood. In fact, try not to even think about doing it. Because if you do you’ll start laughing and most women consider it an insult if you have to stop  eating their pussy because you’re laughing too hard to continue. They’ll think you’re laughing at them.  And if you try to tell her that you were only laughing because you had been thinking about The Cookie Monster”  she’ll get offended by that too. It’s a real no win deal.

I read this thing in the paper about a company that offers deer hunting trips with guides and stuff like that. One of their packages costs $4,000.

That seems like an awful lot of money to pay  for a dead animal.  On thing I’ve learned over the years is that being in  possession of something large and dead is more trouble than it’s worth.

I’ve never been hunting, but if I ever do go I won’t hunt for deer.

Cows seem like a much better option for several reasons:

They taste better.

They’re slower than deer.

They’re usually penned up which makes tracking them a lot easier.

You don’t need to wear camo to sneak up on a cow.

In fact you wouldn’t even need a gun or ammo. You could probably just walk up to a cow and kill it with a hammer.

You don’t have to pay for a permit to kill cows with hammers. I called the Missouri Conservation Department and they told me that permits like that don’t even exist.  

It’s possible that you might have to do some community service after you go cow hunting, but no permits are required.  So that saves time and money.

(Welcome Hunters! I didn’t crop the picture right, but it’s a liquor store.  I don’t think it’s a good idea for liquor stores to be marketing to people with firearms. )

This isn’t something I made up in photoshop. It was a real promotion. I know their heart was in the right place, but you’d think someone at the company would’ve noticed that their new promo item looks a lot like a turd.

I think it would be an overstatement to call it an addiction, but a few years ago I had a phase where I was pretty heavily into dog racing.  I’d go down to the track three or four times a week.  Eventually I just had to give it up because I was never winning anything.

Most dogs can run much faster than I can.

 Three 4th of July things…

 Reminder:  Despite the chorus, the song “Born In The USA” is NOT a patriotic song.  Not even a little bit.  Don’t play it on the fourth unless you’re trying to make some sort of protest.

Here’s something I learned the hard way last year:  If you’re going to go into the fireworks business  it’s a good idea not to take your vacation during the first week of July

I always find it a little sad to see black people celebrating the Fourth of July.   It’s almost like an Indian celebrating Custer’s birthday.  The fourth wasn’t really Independence Day for black people.  It’s closer to being  “Under New Management Day”.  

I like the way he talks…