The Sedated Ape

The winner:  “Some diseased bitch just sneezed all over me”

In fact, that may very well be my favorite sentence  of any type.  

I can’t imagine why I ever would, but if I were to write my autobiography The title is going to be:

“Some Diseased Bitch Just Sneezed All Over Me - The Tony Myers Story”

God spoke to me this afternoon.  It happened in a pretty odd place for divine intervention too - A Texaco station just outside of Joplin.

 I was just filling up the car like I’ve done thousands of times when I heard this clear distinct voice from the heavens. God sayth unto me “Pump three is on, please pay inside when you’re finished fueling”.

It was the first time God ever spoke to me personally, and it’s a pretty odd message. I was going to do it anyway. It didn’t even occur to me to steal the gas. I guess God just wanted to make sure and remind me that he doesn’t approve of people getting gas and driving off without paying.

Like I said  it was an unnecessary message, but it was nice of him to go to all the trouble of reminding me.  He must be very busy.

I suppose it’s a good thing that he’s stepping down. He was pretty corrupt and just all around unsuited for the position.
But we still need to give credit where credit is due. The fact that someone could go from being an eight year old little boy who managed to float all the way from Cuba to Miami on a inner-tube to being Attorney General of the United States in just seven short years is really pretty damn impressive.

Postponed due to boredom

Throughout history there have always been men who make their living by mocking death.  Men like Evel Knievel,  Harry Houdini…. Walter Mondale…. Well, I guess it’s just been those three.  But soon there will be another. Me.

Sometime this weekend I will be making a video that will shock and amaze you all. It’s sorta like a David Blaine thing but without the creepiness and  metrosexual undertones. (By the way, metrosexuals thing isn’t really  anything new, just the word is. They used to be called “fops” or “closeted homosexuals”)

Anyway, the shocking video will be posted here Sunday or Monday.  So mark your calendars. Then mark all your friend’s calendars. If you have time go to stores that sell calenders and mark up all the calendars they have in stock.  At first  the clerks will be pissed off at you for defacing all their merchandise, but in time they’ll thank you

(The drawings on my page almost never have anything to do with the stuf in the posts)

They came first for the Communists,

and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews,

and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,

and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me,

and I hid under a bed until they left.

         You would think the other people would’ve

        thought of that too.

I’ve never been the “overachiever” type.  Now that I think about it, I’m not even “achiever” type.  If I ever achieved anything at all in my 33 years, I’ve forgotten it. 

And that’s fine by me. Seems more trouble than it’s worth to spend all your time accomplishing things. I bet it would raise expectations too. Who needs that?

 But I do have a little bit of regret that I haven’t become important enough for people to offer me bribes. I think I would like that.  It wouldn’t even have to be a large bribe.  I’d appreciate even a small petty bribe.  It’s more about the status that comes with being offered bribes than the money. Money is nice, but it’s secondary.

You need to be extra careful when you buy stuff online.  Several months ago I got a great deal on a watch I found on eBay.  At first I was happy with it, but after taking it to a jeweler for repairs I learned that I had been ripped off!

 It turns out that my watch wasn’t really a Rolex after all.   Worse than that,  the guy at the shop told me that it wasn’t even a watch!  It was just one of those identification bracelets patients have to wear in the hospital.

 And after some research on the internet I discovered that Walter Aaron Foster  isn’t even  really the name of the jeweler who designed the watch after all.   It’s just some guy who needed a new liver.

The most interesting thing about the Guinness Book Of World Records isn’t  the feats that are accomplished, but that someone decided to try them in the first place.

One day a guy had to have woke up and told his wife “Honey, I’m going to take three months off work and ride the
lawn mower across the country”.  

Couple of my favorite records -A teacher named Sunardi in Indonesian stood motionless for 15 hours and 25 seconds at the “Motionless Festival” in Semarang, Indonesia. In some countries they don’t need much of a reason to
have a festival I guess; “Come on guys, let’s take off work and watch a guy stand really still”. 

In Japan a woman inflated an entire hot air balloon using only her lungs on a live TV show.  I guess the station couldn’t afford the rights to any other kind or programming. Can you imagine losing the ratings war to a woman blowing up a balloon? Even Touched By An Angel re-runs would be
better than that.