The Sedated Ape

I got a ticket for “failure to stop a posted stop sign”.

That’s the only kind I ever even bother stoping for anyway. I don’t have the time to be worrying  about non-posted signs. 

 The officer asked me “why didn’t you stop?” I said I thought I did.  He said well “do you know what stop means? -  (Then I had to look at him again to see if my father had taken  up a part time job I didn’t know about but it wasn’t him) I said  “I guess I must not then”. he told me that “It means you must  come to a complete stop”.

If I didn’t know what the word “stop”  meant, how much better could I have faired with “complete stop”?  That’s no help at all.

I didn’t say  anything about that though.

I got arrested. I meant to do it  at the time, but I misunderstood.

 I had heard about those conjugal visits, but it turn out you have to have someone who wants to visit you. They don’t supply them .

 And you can’t even get church people to go into a conjugal visit trailer with you. ..  ”No I don’t know where I’m going when I die…..why don’t you come in and talk about it?” They wouldn’t get anywhere near the trailer

One of the pro-choice arguments is “well, you don’t see all those pro-life people wanting to adopt all the unwanted babies”.   I don’t want  convenience store clerks living with me either, but I still don’t think you should be allowed to kill them.

I wish they would be consistent though…. If you were to  kick a pregnant woman in the stomach, (and I’m not saying you should… do what you want, but if you get caught don’t say “Tony told me to”)   you can be charged with murder of the thing that’s not even supposed to be alive . It’s possible to murder something that has no life. I don’t quite have a handle on that one.

 So what that means, as I understand it, is that you’re a life only if someone wants you to be one. I don’t like  this one bit.  If that’s how  we’re judging, I’m on shaky ground.

I used to have a job in a factory where all I had to do was count sheets of veneer as they went into a dryer.

But one day the management realized that they could just train a cat to do the same thing.

 They ship them in from across the border.  Pay them very little, they never form unions and if they give you any trouble they put them in a sack and throw them in a river.

You just can’t compete with cat labor.

I had an adventure at the nursery today.

For awhile I thought I was a deity.

I was feeling pretty good till I got home I realized that I had the saying wrong. It’s “only God can MAKE a tree”. They’ll let pretty much anybody with $39.99 OWN one.

Sometimes there is more than one, but everyday in the newspaper there is at least one classified “memorial ad”. I’m not sure it’s possible to have contact with anyone on the other side, and I’m no theologian – but if there is a way to contact the dead I just don’t think a classified ad would be the way to do it.

 It’s hard to imagine people in Heaven reading the newspaper, and if they do it’s even harder to imagine they choose the Kansas City Star.

 And in the message they always tell the dead person stuff they know already like “Today would be your 23^rd birthday…” or “It’s been one year since you died…” – stuff you’d think they’d be able to remember – assuming they were still able to get the newspaper in the afterlife.

They never ask sensible stuff like “Please don’t haunt me” or “Where did you put the safe deposit box key?”

They found out that the morning after pill causes birth defects, but no one cares.

Frankly, I’m pretty sick of minding my own beeswax. It never does anything new. It just sits there on the table. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to use it for.  So from now on I’m going to stop minding it at all. If someone wants my beeswax enough to steal it from me, they can have it.  Beeswax is more trouble than it’s worth.

I collect rare comic strip art. The piece of my collection that I’m most proud of is a rare Peanut’s strip where Lucy turns Pig Pen’s parents over to child protective services for allowing their son to always walk around covered head to toe in his own filth. In the last panel he’s being taken away to a foster home.

I learned last Monday that the term “drug mule” is just some slang that isn’t really what it sounds like it would mean. Live and learn, I guess. I do wish I figured that out before I spent all weekend trying to snort that damn mule.

I got a new idea for a business. I’m going to offer the lowest cost autograph authentication service available. How am I going to do it so cheap? Well, I won’t make claims regarding whether or not the item was signed by the person whose name is on the object. I’ll just confirm for them if it is in fact some one’s signature on it  instead of an ink smear or some sort of defect in the manufacturing process.

I used to think horoscopes were a bunch of crap until I found a magazine that accurately predicted everything I was going to be doing in the upcoming week. It’s pretty impressive, you all ought to try it out for yourselves. It’s called the “TV Guide”.

I think the best games for children are the ones that teach as well as entertain – like “spin the bottle” -   That game teaches kids that drinking will often lead to awkward,  embarrassing  and unwanted sexual activity. That’s important for kids to learn. It can either be used as a warning or as advice depending on the kid’s appearance and social skills.

Free Advice – Never hire a cleaning lady with rotten teeth.

In the old west there were lots of guys called “outlaws”.   That’s too vague to be a good job description.  You can’t do everything that’s against the law. There just isn’t enough time,  and there are plenty of laws that you don’t get any money for breaking – like loitering or exposing yourself in public. No, the old west guys that really got ahead were the ones who specialized in regard to the laws they broke. Generally they worked somewhere  in the fields of “theft” or “ransom”.