The Sedated Ape

When most people think of sexism they just assume that it’s men mistreating women.  In real life it works both ways. For example - right before my nephew was born my sister had a shower and all her friends gave her a whole bunch of presents.  I, on the other hand, take a shower two or three times a month and so far no one has ever given me a present for doing it.

How is that fair?

A lot of the time in the obituaries in the newspaper they say someone died “after a long courageous battle with cancer” -  or whatever disease it was that killed them. 

 How does trying everything you can do not to die equal “courage”?  Isn’t doing everything possible you can do to  not  die one of the defining traits of cowards?

And don’t acts of courage need to a least involve an element of choice? Like those medal of honor guys who chose to risk their lives to save others. Cancer isn’t a choice, it’s just really bad luck.  Fighting a long battle with cancer and stuff like that isn’t really brave, it’s just the least  bad option people in that situation have

It seems to me that someone who really was fighting a courageous battle with cancer would be saying stuff like: “No medicine! That’s for pussies! Chemo? Radiation treatments?  Forget that, I’m not afraid of you cancer!  I don’t need any help . Come on, do your worst!  Bring it on, you lousy tumors!”

This is more funny “strange” than funny “ha-ha”, but it’s a true story.

During my junior year in high school I had a crush on this girl at school who liked The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  (She had a crush on this drama club guy who was a big Madonna fan who shocked no one but her and maybe his mother by developing a fondness for cock during his freshman year at college - but that’s not important to the story). Anyway, because of her I went to the movie maybe five or six times.

 That was in 1991, sixteen years ago. I doubt I’ve even thought about the movie at all since then. Until the other day I was watching ” The Greatest Story Ever Told” on  ”Turner Classic Movies”.  Before they show the movies on that station there is usually a guy who introduces the movie and tells about it’s  history.

Claude Rains played Herod in the movie and they mentioned that he also had the lead in The Invisible Man”.

I remembered hearing the phrase “ Claude  Rains was the invisible man”, but took me a while to remember where - it’s part of the lyrics to a song from The Rocky Horror Picture Show called “Science Fiction Double Feature”

I illegally downloaded the song (I’m the kinda outlaw rebel that does stuff like that). It’s a pretty good song, but the way.

 But what surprised me was that as soon as the song started  not only did I remember all the lyrics, but also all the stuff you’re supposed to yell out when you’re watching the movie in the theater. (They aren’t even a little bit funny, by the way). 

I remembered all that even though I only heard the song maybe a half dozen times 16 years ago.

That’s odd because even though I’m able to remember all that crap,   I can’t remember when my mother, father or my  two sisters birthday is. My older sister’s birthday is either a few weeks before or a few weeks after Christmas.  I don’t even know what seasons the other birthdays occur in.  For that matter, I don’t even remember which month mother’s  and father’s day happen.

 I don’t think my brain is very good at prioritizing information

I remember one Thursday back in the fifth grade  the teacher took the whole class on a field trip to tour a prison and she told us that it we didn’t behave we would all end up there someday.

The next day the rest of the class had a substitute teacher because on that day just me and the teacher  went on another field trip to the zoo.

She told me the exact same thing there too.

Know what’s the most popular blog on wordpress?

It’s just a bunch of pictures of some cats saying stuff.  Apparently people can’t get enough of that.

If that doesn’t make the internet bow it’s head in shame, I don’t know what could. But hell, if that’s the kinda low brow thing the unwashed masses go for these day I might as well jump on the bandwagon too -

The United States can be really hypocritical sometimes. Like when the Berlin wall  was built we kept trying to get East Germany to tear it down. Or how we condemned Israel for wanting to build a security wall to try to keep out the terrorists. But everyone thinks the wall we built in Washington DC to keep the Vietnamese out was a really great idea.

We need one set of rules for everybody

You know the saying that goes”If something seems too good to be true it probably is”?  I think that’s really great advice.  That’s why I don’t believe  it.

Several years ago on vacation I drove through Tennessee and the person I was travelling with wanted to visit Dollywood. I hate country music and the place seemed really cheesy, but it seemed so important to her  that I finally agreed to stop. It was awful. Worse than I expected even  For several months after that I was still half pissed about spending a lot of my  money and wasting an entire day of my vacation there.  After I got back I did some research online and found out that a lot of people who went there felt the same about it as I did.  Post Parton depression is actually pretty common.

 Wheel of Fortune Ancient Egypt Week - “Is there anything that looks like two birds trying to kill a snake, Pat ?”

The Army has a TV commercial trying to get people to enlist and the slogan is “An army of one”.  No wonder we’re losing over in Iraq if we just have that one guy. We’re horribly outnumbered.

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.  I think children all over the world will  behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas. 

I just invested a lot of money in pork futures. It was expensive but it’ll be worth it when those  futuristic  high-tech cyber pigs show up. That’s going to be pretty sweet.

I went to the casinos in Biloxi Mississippi a while back and it’s amazing how much they’ve rebuilt after the whole area was piratically destroyed by that hurricane. I read that for days after the storm hit there were only six homes that still had electricity in the entire town.  Of course, since it is Mississippi we’re talking about you gotta remember that before the storm there were only fourteen homes with electricity.  Regardless, I still think the recovery has been impressive.

Know what I learned? Kid Rock isn’t really that wrestler’s son. They aren’t even related!  It’s a sad day when you can’t trust pro wrestlers anymore.

You know how in olden times the letters  F and S looked alike? I wish we’d go back to that. 

It would add a much needed new degree of difficulty for contestants on “Wheel of Fortune”.