The Sedated Ape

I’ve been trying to tell people this for years, but no one ever listens to me: Halloween would be a much cooler holiday if everyone didn’t do it on the same day.  For example, kids could go trick or treating on their birthday.  It would be more fun if you never knew when someone dressed up like spongebob might show up at your door. Plus it would help candy sales year round.  If I ever run for president it will be part of my platform: “Some pot in every chicken and trick or treaters  every night of the year!”

I don’t know why exactly, but it does seem sorta creepy when people dress up their babies for Halloween when they’re too young to know what’s going on.  It’s just wrong - it’s like when people make their dogs wear little sweaters in the winter.

 I’m friends with this one baby and his parents are dressing him up as Elmo to go trick or treating this year and they don’t even let the kid eat candy. That’s wrong on at least three levels.

I hope that someday someone throws a ticker tape parade in my honor.  Actually,  I guess I’d really prefer it if they stop throwing garbage at me altogether.  But it they’re going to keep doing it anyway, it would be nice it they chose a more respectful way.

Since I’m a middle class white guy I hadn’t ever really felt the sting of racism in my life  until earlier today when I learned how hurtful is is to be judged  only by the color of my skin.  You would think that by 2007 racism would be a thing of the past, but the police still hassled me just because my skin wasn’t the same color as theirs. What hurt the most was that I couldn’t help the way I looked. That ink that sprays all over everything when you try to break into an ATM takes DAYS to scrub off!

Have we learned nothing from the civil rights movement?

(Words people put into a search engine to get to this page)

I’ve Been Thinking about the time

Raccoons sleeping and

secret clinical deodorant wedding

i cant stop thinking about you

why my testicles is kinda crushed?

Notes and pictures from my recent trip:

Don’t fly with any airline that still uses dot matrix printers. That’s almost as bad as seeing your pilot wearing world war one style aviator goggles.

I stayed at The Hotel Chelsea. It’s where that guy from the Sex Pistols killed his groupie girlfriend. The perverted photographer Robert Mapplethorpe and the perverted author Vladimir Nabokov lived here too. But that’s only a small list. The hotel has been home to all of the most important degenerates, drunks, queers and junkies of the past sixty years. People like William Burroughs, Bukowski, Gore Vidal, Tennessee Williams, Allen Ginsberg, Dylan Thomas, Jack Kerouac, Janis Joplin  and Robert Oppenheimer. In retrospect, I wish I had brought my own sheets with me from home.

This is what a $249 a night view looks like -

The picture is in black and white because I’m a sensitive artist.

They offer some odd services at that hotel too.  Like on the first day the guy at the desk wanted to know if I wanted him to validate parking for me. I told him “No, the concept of parking has been around for a long, long time now and it has proven itself useful. If we didn’t have parking we would either have to throw ourselves from moving vehicles whenever we got near our destination or just spend our entire lives constantly driving around. And where would you crap? The cup holder? That’s no way to live!. No, parking is a good and much needed aspect of our modern lives and needs no further validation for me”.

There are very few fat women in New York city. There are plenty of chubby girls, but very few seriously “how can they even use a toilet” fat women. The whole week I was there I saw fewer fat women than you would see in one hour at any Walmart back home. I don’t know how the city does it, maybe all the walking helps. Regardless, keep up the good work New York.

I saw Gilbert Gottfried walking around near Madison Square Garden.  I like him a lot, I think he’s pretty funny. Plus he’s the voice of the AFLAC duck in all those commercials. I thought about yelling “Aflac!!!  really loud behind him, but decided not to because I didn’t want to annoy the guy. I now realize that the missed opportunity will bother me for the rest of my life.

This store shows you how far advanced New York is from the rest of the country:

Sure we have plenty of blow job magazines back home, but there isn’t one store in the whole state that has a blow job lottery. I’m impressed, even though I didn’t win.

One of the shops there that sold jewelry had a sign in the window that said “$200 min. Purchase”. Now, that’s a gutsy business idea. Next time I have a garage sale I’m going to adopt that policy. That will get rid of all the deadbeats who just show up to handle  my VHS  ”Sabrina the Teenage Witch” collection.  They’re in a specific order, and only I know how to sort them. I don’t go by air-date, I keep them in order based on the tightness of the shirt Mellisa Joan Hart wears in that episode. Baggy t-shirts go at the front of the collection and the famous “nipple outline”  outtake reel is all the way at the back.  Those jerks at the yard sale who are “just browsing” screw up the order every time.  So this should help.

 A lot of the stores there have a VERY specific market, like:

I didn’t even think it was biologically possible for lesbians to get wood.

New York has some out of the way historical tourist attractions  that you probably wouldn’t be able to find without a guide book. Here’s my favorite:

I went to the Natural History museum. They had this painting on a parchment that some Indians used as a calendar, it didn’t have words, just pictures. Here’s one of the days:

So if you wanted to take that day off of work you’d have to tell your boss that you needed to be off “when the guy who has a face growing on the end of his dick starts to do the hokey pokey”.

The natives in Mexico used to think that fat little dogs like this

Would guide a dead person’s soul to the proper place in the afterlife. I used to have a short fat wiener dog myself,  and one time she managed to  get herself  stuck so tight in the leg of a pair or sweatpants that I had to cut her out.  If we depend on a short fat dog to guide us through the afterlife we may be in trouble, that’s all I’m saying.

Here was my favorite exhibit at the museum:

It’s the ass crack of an Asian girl at the museum. It might not be a permanent exhibit, because I went back after lunch and it wasn’t there anymore. Or maybe they just removed it to have it cleaned, I dunno.

I stole this sign:

I have a plan about how I can get rich off all those geese at the park. Granted, none of my other plans I’ve had to get rich off the geese in the park have panned out very well, but maybe this one will.

I only know what three of these things even are.

And I’m not going to look up the others.

RUN! IT’S THE RAPTURE!! QUICK!! HIDE!!

Last Known photographs of Tony Myers:

Monday morning I’m going to a tiny island in the north Atlantic the Lenape Indians called “Manna Hat Tan”,  which translated means: ”The land of numerous  light brown hats”.   For a while,  it was later called “New Amsterdam” but they found that name attracted too many hippies looking for legal pot and hookers, so they went back to  calling it  “The land of numerous  light brown hats”.  

Anyway, i suspect this island is too remote to have internet access yet, so I won’t be adding anything to this webpage thing for a week or so. But if you all behave,  I may bring you something back from my trip.

This  is Anthony Myers. He  is a 1950’s era baby.  I have nothing against him, in fact he seems like a very nice 1950’s era baby. If I were going to hang out with a 1950’s era baby,  he would be high on the list. He seems to like baseball, so we could go to the ball park together on “1950’s Era Baby Night”.  It would be a good conversation starter between innings. I could explain that even though the two of us have the name name, we aren’t  the same person - or even related to each other. Then I could tell them that this  is a  1950’s era baby and  he is actually about 25 years older than I am! I bet I could win a lot of bets that way.  But, nice as he seems to be ,  I am not a 1950’s era baby. This person is not me.

This is Anthony Myers.  I don’t know why, but he apparently is a crazy scientist who was  inspired by a a 1989 Rick Moranis movie to invent a miniaturizing machine so he can shrink down small enough to go spelunking in someones colon. This is not something I do.  I have never been in anyone’s  colon and I hope I never will.  See, you can’t go around doing stuff like that if you want to live in the kinda society were your own colon is safe from invaders.  There’s such a thing as a “social contract”, after all. Try reading Rousseau and Hobbes sometime - this is the exact type of thing they warn us about.  I only hope “Little Shop of Horror’s” isn’t on he netflix list. Who knows what else the charisma and charm of Rick Moranis could talk this weirdo Anthony Myers into trying next? Regardless, this person is not me.

It was love at first sight.  The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him…

When I was little I got accepted into a special school for autistic children.  I can’t really draw all that well myself, but I was easily the best student in the entire school. Those kids couldn’t draw or paint worth a damn.  Most of them were lucky to even be able to finger paint! No talent at all. It was almost like a lot of those kids were retarded or something.

I just found out today that those lights at intersections aren’t terror alert warnings after all. That’s a relief.  It was pretty stressful going on high alert every  thirty seconds or so.  So that’s good news.  I do wish, however, that someone would’ve explained that to me before I got my driver’s license suspended.

Back in the fourth grade the teacher told me that if I thought I could get away with sleeping through her class I had another thought coming. It’s been over twenty years and it hasn’t got here yet.  I’m starting to think she might not have known what she was talking about.

 Whenever someone says “a penny for your thoughts? “  I refuse to tell them what I was thinking about. I feel my intellectual property is at least worth a dime.

If I was an consultant for a super villain who is trying to take over the world the first thing I’d suggest would be that taking over the entire world might be overkill. I’d suggest that he just worry about taking over the countries  that rank in the top twenty or so in GNP. That would probably be just as good as taking over the entire world. And if it turns out that it isn’t you could always go back and pick up places like Guam and Mozambique later.

” I see trees of green, red roses too/  I see them bloom for me and you/  And I think to myself, what a wonderful world”….. Apparently Louis Armstrong was a pretty easy guy to impress.

I’m not sure we ought to be in Iraq, but you have to admit that’s it’s a pretty interesting political experiment. We’re bringing a nation democracy, and if they don’t want it we kill them.  That’s taking Vermont’s state motto - “Live Free or Die”  -  much more literally than  ever before.

If I were one of Batman’s enemies every time I committed a crime I’d have one  of my gang standing outside watching the sky for the bat signal.  That way we’d be able to use the signal as a warning - It would give us a head start so we could all run away before he got to the scene of the crime. It’s all academic,  I guess.  I’m 33  now and if I was ever going to run afoul of batman it probably would’ve happened already.

I never liked the term “family jewels”. It seems to imply that the rest of my kin have a  share  in my testicles. They don’t - I have a strict rule about that.

 Whoever dies with me most toys wins.  And we better get off our ass and start getting a lot more toys  right now,  because if we don’t that giraffe from Toys- Backwards R- Us will beat us all by a huge  margin.

 I bet that if they just cut down on the amount of banjo music there would be a lot fewer nervous breakdowns among residents of Foggy Mountain.

Wheel of Fortune Seniors Edition: “Can I buy a bowel, Pat?”

I find it suspicious that even though  all the guys in Beetle Bailey have been training for 57 years none of them have  even done a tour of duty in Iraq.  What  the hell have they been training for all this time!?.  If I was running the pentagon I’d have closed Campy Swampy years ago

I briefly worked in marketing. I was the one who suggested that the  restaurant chain should be called “T.G.I. Friday, March 23,  1974 at 10:35 am Central Time”.  No one ever took any of my suggestions.

I wish I’d become one of those stigmatic guys - That would give me a big advantage at Texas Hold ‘em tournaments. There is no way any one could concentrate on their cards if the guy across the table is bleeding all over the place for no apparent reason.

I’d never go on vacation to the La Brea Tar Pits. It’s pretty pathetic how many people drive thousands of miles on roads paved with tar just to get L.A. so they could see more tar. It would be better than Branson, granted, but it’s still pretty lame

I was on the debate team in high school. The way it works is that you end up having to argue both sides of the topic. They would flip a coin to see who was going to argue which side. Looking back, that really had a pretty big influence on me because now I find it impossible to have a consistent  opinion about anything for more than seven minutes at a time.

A while back I had this plan that I would try to integrate the prairie dog town,  so  I became the first human resident in the town. Sorta like the Jackie Robinson of prairie dog town.  The results were disappointing. I never felt like I belonged to the community. The only time the neighbors would have anything to do with me was when I had bread. Once the bread was gone they ignored me. Prairie Dogs can really be snobbish. I expect that crap  from raccoons, but I thought that prairie dogs were better than that.

No one is ever flattered to be told that they are a great audience.