The Sedated Ape

Back when I was a kid I used to watch a lot of old rerun sitcoms on channel 41,  a UHF station.  During the summer I’d maybe watch eight hours a day. A LOT. 

I’m sure I’ve seen every episode of Happy Days. Even the rare ones  they don’t show anymore,  like the episode where Fonzie got gang raped by the Hell’s Angels.

 But until I was in my late teens I  thought that it was a fifties sitcom - not a 70’s/80’s sitcom that  just happened to be  set in the 50’s.  It took me the better part of two decades before I ever noticed the Opie Taylor - Richie Cunningham age paradox.

 I’ve learned from my mistake,   and now I every time I see some kid I make it a point to tell them  that “That 70’s Show”  actually began airing  in 1996 - not in the 70’s.

I see myself as a mentor for the next generation of children who watch  too much television.  I’ve been calling up all of the schools in the area offering to speak at an assembly, so I could pass on my wisdom on to a lot of students at once. So far none of the schools have taken my up on my offer.

 It’s disappointing. When I was in school they used to have tons of assemblies all the time. One time that dog that encourages children to bite criminals came to class and they let him  talk for ninety minutes!  Another time they spent two whole days talking about fire safety and the three things you should do if you ever catch on fire (scream, cry, moan).

If they let people like that come to school to talk to the children it doesn’t seem fair that they won’t allow me to talk about my cause.

I’ve been pretty bored with society for a long time now. I decided that what we need is some new ethnic groups. Freshen things up.

I’m not suggesting we get rid of any of the current ethic groups we have now. They’re all fine, more or less, and can stay. (Though? If the Scottish wish to stay? They should learn to speak in such a manner? That doesn’t make everything they say? Sound like a question? It’s distracting? And annoying?) It’s just that I’m kinda bored with them and it would be interesting to have some new blood added to the mix.

At first, of course, everyone would dislike them. We’d all get a fresh new batch of offensive ethnic jokes and stereotypes.

Then they would start a new civil rights movement, and someone like Sean Penn or Susan Sarandon will make a movie about their tragic plight that you could impress your friends by having the DVD case on your shelf. It would show them how sensitive you are

During the next phase we’ll get a new style of ethnic food and restaurants. This is long overdue as I’m really sick of everything on every damn menu being Chipotle flavored.

There would also, of course, be a new style of ethnic music that will probably be very entertaining in small doses.

Plus , as with any new group, there will inevitably develop a group of guys who will create a new fetish around the women of this new group. Who knows, I might even be one of them. I have no sexual fetishes now, and I have often felt left out and boring because of it. It’s like saying your favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla

There would be crazy new holidays and parades to honor some guy who chased all the opossums out of wherever the new ethnic group came from, or something like that.

So - new ethnic groups would be great, but I’m not sure of a good way to create new ones.

The most obvious way would be to pick two different current groups - for example Cajuns and Koreans - and have them breed exclusively with each other. Then have them be kept together in a designated area sequestered away from the rest of society for several generations so they can develop a new distinct culture.

There are two big problems. One is time. It would take the better part of a century before these new cultures could develop to a point where their differences from the rest of us would be distinct enough to be entertaining. Secondly, groups like the ACLU and the UN frown on forced breeding rules and keeping ethnic groups concentrated in small confined areas.

The next best thing would be for other subcultures or neglected ethnic groups to step forward and become more prominent. It’s not exactly the same as a whole new ethnic group, but it’s better than nothing.

So, stand up for yourselves and start entertaining me!

Suggested new groups:

Torries

Goths

Visigoths (goths with credit cards)

Barbed Wire collectors

Huns

Pinheads

Vampires

Midgets/Pygmies/Dwarfs

Really Hairy People

People who Stutter

Mongols

Headhunters

People who claim to be from Atlantis

People who claim to be from Atlanta

Hessians

Druids

People who are even hairier than the really hairy people  in the other new  ethnic group

Pagans

\

(he must be doing something right)

 (Words people put into a search engine to get to this page)

The ape pope - baptized in a lake

Non Alcoholic Tequila?

a big fat woman beating her man

diseased bitch…

how to draw a kitten -

The kittens from royal bathroom tissue commercial

without arms, nude.- worst album cover

Funny raccoon sleeping:

support for your testicles

no questions asked!

I’ve often  been tempted to get a pet monkey. It must be cool as hell to hang out with a monkey all the time.

But I’ve decided against getting one for several reasons:

If you own a monkey that’s how people will always remember you - “You remember Tony, right? The guy with the monkey…” I’m not comfortable with being known as “that guy with the monkey”.

It’s a lot of fun to watch monkeys at the zoo throwing their crap at things, but if it was going on in your own home it would  probably get old after a month or two.

The biggest reason I decided against monkey ownership is evolution.

I would always be afraid that one day I’d go out grocery shopping and when I came back there would be this little naked guy in a cage. That would be all kinds of awkward.

First of all, when people find out that you have a human in a cage at your house they’re just going to assume that you’re screwing it. I know my friends would. Hell, they still make little quote marks in the air around the word “accidentally” whenever they tell that story about the time I sat down on a gerbil.

And if your pet evolves into a human does it still count as a pet? Or does that make me a slave owner? Or maybe he automatically get promoted from pet to roommate?

 Could I still keep calling him “Mr. Bongo”, or would that be like making Kunta Kinte say his name is Toby?

Or maybe the pet/owner relationship would change to a father/son thing. I don’t want to be financially responsible for having to send some ex-monkey to college.  I’m not a cheap person - I’d be more that happy to buy a pet monkey a fez, vest and some type of musical instrument, but I draw the line at paying for a former monkey‘s tuition.   If he can get a scholarship, great. If he can’t he’s on his own

PS - I’m tempted to make a “monkey business” joke here, but I decided not to. Too obvious

Facts about Shrove Tuesday, a holiday that if I had heard of it anywhere but the newspaper I would thought it was a practical joke or a special at IHOP. Since finding out that it actually does exist it has become my third favorite food-based holiday

You have plenty of time to prepare for flapjack day, it’s not soon. So don’t worry. I just found this on my hard drive from a couple of years ago. 

Also, if you were writing an old west  cowboy  story “Flapjack Holiday” would be great name for the bad guy.

“Shrove Tuesday is probably the Christian festival that the family enjoys most, after Christmas, of course.”… I would have thought that Christ’s rising from the dead would be a bigger deal than pancake day, but I’ve always been more of a steak and eggs guy myself.

“Lent is a time of abstinence, of giving things up. So Shrove Tuesday is the last chance to indulge yourself, and to use up the foods that aren’t allowed in Lent.”…. So you need to be a glutton before God catches you.

“The need to eat up the fats gave rise to the French name Mardi Gras; meaning fat Tuesday. Pancakes became associated with Shrove Tuesday as they were a dish that could use up all the eggs, fats and milk in the house with just the addition of flour.”…. and chocolate chips, whipped cream, and fruit that can be scraped off the pancakes to the side of the plate. And you can put any sort of food and wrap it up in pancake
and call it a “blanket” “

Pancake races are thought to have begun in 1445. A woman had lost track of the time on Shrove Tuesday, and was busy cooking pancakes in her kitchen Suddenly she heard the church bell ringing to call the faithful to church for confession. The woman raced out of her house and ran all the way to church; still holding her frying pan and wearing her apron”….. Today she would get her medications increased. I do wonder what sin she was in such a big hurry to confess.

“One of the most famous pancake races is held at Olney in Buckinghamshire over a 415 yard course. The rules are strict; contestants have to toss their pancake at both the start and the finish, as well as wearing an apron and a scarf. The race is followed by a church service.”…. Well, after taking part in something like that I think it’s obvious that you’d need a church service as soon as possible

“Since 1950 Olney has competed with Liberal in Kansas, which holds an identical race, to see which town can produce the fastest competitor. After the 2000 race, Liberal was leading with 26 wins to Olney’s 24.” …However, in 2001 Kansas was disqualified after their racer tested positive for steroids and it was discovered that they had been  accepting kickbacks from the Mrs. Butterworth people.

And people make fun of the Jews for basing a holiday around long burning lamps.

 The Bible says that I was created in God’s image, but until the other day I never really understood how. Then I thought about  the Christmas story and how God knocked up this virgin that was about to be married to this other guy,  and then he disappeared and let the other guy have all the responsibility of raising the kid. And you know what?  That sounds a LOT like something I would do.

I was at the store reading the back of an electric razor box  trying to figure out the  semantic difference between “lift and cut” and “pulls the hair on your face out by the root” when I read that the razor advertised that if you leave it plugged into the charger for one hour you’d get up to thirteen hours of shave time.  Who the hell is so damn hairy that it would take them that long to shave? You could shave Bigfoot in about forty-five minutes. Assuming he wanted you to do it, of course. If he wasn’t into the idea I could see how it would take a lot longer.

You know something  you don’t see everyday? Thursdays.

 Paul Tibbets, the pilot on the Enola Gay - the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan -  died a couple of weeks ago.  He said he had no regrets because the atomic attack precluded a land invasion and saved innumerable American lives.  He also thought that gravity should share at least half of the blame. He said, “If there was no such thing as gravity that bomb would have stayed up there not bothering anyone. And who made gravity? God, that’s who! If that isn’t proof that killing all those yellow bastards was God’s will, I don’t know is!”

 They say that whenever you buy a car you should always kick the tires first. That’s what I do, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to learn from doing it.  The only thing that proves for me is that the car actually does  have tires. And those tires aren’t some type of mirage, optical illusion, hallucination or hologram.

I never advanced very far in the Boy Scouts because I just never saw the point in helping little old ladies cross the street. I mean, they somehow managed to make it from their home to the street corner by themselves okay. I always figured that if they made it that far on their own they could probably manage to go a little bit further too.

They say the best inventions are one percent inspiration and ninety nine percent perspiration. This is unfortunate. All that  sweat ends up soaking the patent application and smearing the ink so bad no one can read it. We lose a lot of our best inventions that way.

My grandfather lived to be over 100 years old, but I still feel that in an important way he died too soon. If he could have waited until later in the week I could probably have used the funeral to string together a three day weekend.

I’ve just gotten the very fist tattoo ever   done with invisible ink.  I hoped that it would get me Guinness Book Of World Records, but they said I would need some way to prove my claim.

 I go to this art gallery around here pretty regularly. They don’t charge admission, but they do have a jar for “suggested donations”. I  just recently figured out that they want me to put money in there.  I’ve just been leaving little notes with my suggestions for what I thought  other people should donate. They really should have been more clear. I  guess I must have just assumed it was  a market research type thing.

 I’m not in favor of parents using “tough love” with their children. Tough love sounds a little too much like prison sex for my tastes.

 I tried to cook a nice meal for this girl I was trying to impress a few weeks ago. It didn’t go well, she got pretty pissed off at me. I don’t think it was my fault. Yes,  I knew she was a vegetarian, and yes I know they don’t eat meat. But I think most people would agree with me  that gristle and bone marrow doesn’t really count as meat.  

I’ve thought about it a lot and I think if I ever  had a choice of either being blind or deaf  I ‘d decline.

The horniest guy in the world visited this webpage yesterday.

There is a webpage I can go to and see what words people put into a search engine to get here. I find this fascinating.  Yesterday someone, I wish I knew who, got to this web page after searching for the words “nude women”.   When you do a Google search for “nude women” you get 7,690,000 results.  I assume they round off.

This guy, whoever he is, went through 7.68 million pages of porno, and still was didn’t find what he was looking for. Then he started to search through all the web pages that weren’t porn, but used to words “nude women” somewhere on the page. He still searched on. Finally he came to pages like this one who have the words “nude” and “women” but in separate non-related posts. Good Luck, Horniest Guy In The World, I hope one day  you’re able to find satisfaction!

Also, at least once a week someone gets here looking for “Amish whores”, “Amish Porn” “Naked Amish Girls” or something like that. I’ve never written about anything like that.   In fact,  it seems like a fetish that going to lead you into a life of disappointment. There is nothing like that here.

I do have some “New Order” Amish porn, but the New Order Amish allow tractors with rubber tires, electricity in homes, telephones and automobiles in their communities,  so it’s probably not the kinda thing guys like that are into.    I mean,  if that gets you off you might as well go looking for Mennonite smut somewhere.

ps- I do realize that I now HAVE used the words “amish” and “porn” back to back I’m going to likley get a lot more hits from even more crazy guys with a butter churn fetish.  Sorry, wierdos.  It can’t be helped