The Sedated Ape

Four 100% real childhood memories.  (part one was a long time ago)  

1) When we were driving around with my father and he saw someone jogging along by the side of the road, a lot of the time he would say “Lets make them think that they’re running really fast…. Look straight ahead or you’ll spoil it”. Then he would slow the car down to the speed of the jogger. And keep it there. As long as the person would keep running, he would keep the same pace - 4 mph, or whatever. Sometimes the jogger would come over and try to ask us what we were doing, but we never rolled the window down or acknowledged them. Once in awhile,  the jogger would kinda freak out and start running the other direction to get away from us. Other times when he would see a jogger he would just pull over and ask them what was chasing them and if they needed any help. I guess he did that on the days he had somewhere he needed to be.

2) Whenever we went to someplace that sold furniture, like Sears or Dillard’s , my father would find a recliner or a bed display . Then he would sit or lie down and pretend to go to sleep. Meanwhile, me and my sisters would have to wander off to another part of the store and pretend to look at stuff so people wouldn’t think we were with him. He would keep “sleeping“ for a long, long time. It seemed to go on for hours, though I guess it might just have felt that long. I can’t say for sure. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized that he was doing it on purpose to tease us, and that he wasn’t really sleeping. I’m still only about 85% sure.

3) He also encouraged prank phone calls. This was before anyone had caller ID. He had this duck call and several times a week he would call his friend from work at odd hours and just make duck noises into the phone. His friend eventually had his phone number changed, but he gave my dad his new number.  So the duck kept calling. My dad thought he was getting suspicious about the source of the calls, so when he went over to visit the guy he had me make the calls to throw the guy off his trail. I was happy to help.

4) From about the time I was three years old until I around seven my mother and I had a long standing argument because she wouldn’t allow me to dye my hair black so I could look more like Elvis.

I’m working on this article about Helen Keller and her spiritual life. Most people don’t know this, but she was a very religious woman. Several times a day she would be so moved by the Holy Spirit that she would start speaking in tongues. Unfortunately, no one around her ever noticed anything different about it.

The life expectancy in the U.S. is supposed to be almost 78 years, but I really think that life expectancy depends on how optimistic you are. My life expectancy was somewhere around twenty three years.

They say you should never act as your own lawyer if you’re ever on trial for something. I’ve watched a lot of Court TV and a lot of LA Law reruns, and it’s tempting. I think I could do a pretty good job of it. I decided not to though . I asked myself, “Do I really want to trust my case to someone dumb enough to try to ride a stolen cow away from the scene of an auto accident?”.

They say there’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance, but apparently they don’t like tourists. I can’t find it mentioned in any of the travel guides.

It only took me about a month to lose my gig as a police sketch artist. For the first couple of weeks I thought I was supposed to be drawing the policemen.  I don’t think that’s my fault - they should have called the job “Criminal Suspect Sketch Artist” if that’s what they were looking for. I suppose the straw that broke the camel’s back and got me fired was my “surrealist” phase. I guess the police captain was just doing what he had to do when he let me go. I have no hard feelings about it. I actually kinda liked the guy. While I was cleaning out my desk he admitted to me that the people they bring in to be in a police line-up were a lot more interesting to look at while I was on the job.

I just took this new speed reading course. It’s different because we use audio books. You just fast forward  them to the end. I just finished “The Great Gatsby”. The book is about a lot of high pitched chirping noises.

Has a serial killer ever been murdered by another serial killer? If so, I bet right before the murder they shared an ironic chuckle between them. Assuming the victim wasn’t gagged already.

If there is one thing I know it’s that only knowing one thing makes it hard to keep up your end of a conversation. You start boring people pretty quick if you only have the one thing to talk about.

You know, you can say what you like about the Amish. That’s what I like best about them.

A lot of children’s songs have a good message. Like “Frog Went A-Courtin’“ - that one teaches kids that interspecies relationships are doomed to failure and heartbreak. I never liked the frog anyway. Who goes “a courting’” with both a sword AND a pistol by their side? You don’t need to be that well armed for a date. It sounds more like frog went a rapin’.

How to impress the ladies: It’s been said that power is the greatest aphrodisiac. It’s true. Women love guys who have power. They also seem to enjoy running water and central heating.

Al Gore and those ecological types are always so damn negative. As far as we know all the other planets in the solar system are doing just fine, but you never hear them talking about that. Eight out of nine is pretty damn good if you ask me. And that’s not even counting the moons.

The showed clips of Dick Clark’s funeral on TV. And even though he was dead he looked like he was only just really sick. (This joke doesn’t really work very well since the man is still alive. So when he does pass away, be sure to come back here and read it again. It’ll be more funny then)

The only reason I can think of for ever wanting to have kids of my own would be if they made some drastic changes to the child labor laws.

If I do ever have to raise any children, I won’t call it “child rearing”. People who call it “child rearing” should be reported to those guys on Dateline NBC.

Those “What would Jesus Do?” people always seem to stop short of allowing someone to nail them to a couple of pieces of wood.

I bet one of the worst things about being a professional suicide bomber is trying to find affordable life insurance.

The sign in the gun shop said “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” Then why the hell are they so damn expensive? I could go to the dollar store and get a whole bunch of things that won’t kill people for a whole lot less than the price of a gun. There’s no waiting period required to buy their stuff either, unless you count waiting in line to check out.

The current Pope, Benedict XVI, used to belong to “Hitler’s Youth” That makes Jews very nervous. The interesting thing about it, I think, is that when they chose him they must have gone through the roster of all the other priests and apparently the least objectionable thing they found was “Nazi”. To be fair, the Pope has said that he regrets ever being a member of “Hitler’s Youth”. He was quoted as saying, “I’m an 80 year old man and they STILL haven’t promoted me to Hitler’s Elderly! Hell even being upgraded to “Hitler’s Middle Aged” would be better than still being a member of Hitler’s Youth after all these years. It’s embarrassing. The whole thing is just one big popularity contest!”

If the city of Pamplona would just invest in some barbed wire I bet all those bulls wouldn’t be able to keep finding a way back into the city every year.

Over in Portugal at the same time every year they have a “Running of The Bullshit Festival”. It’s not as popular. Most people don’t want to spend their vacation looking at some cattle who are suffering from diarrhea.

I know that drug dealers get a pretty bad rap. I admit they deserve a lot of it. But I think that, to be fair, they should get credit for the nice things they do. Like how they give you the first “taste” for free. I know that they do it because they want to get you hooked, but no other business do that. No used car dealer is going to give you a “starter” Ford Taurus for free hoping that you might enjoy driving so much that you’ll upgrade to a BMW.

Most people’s private parts aren’t. It would be more accurate to call them “selective parts”.

It’s only the seventh day of the year and I’ve already completed one of my resolutions.  I’ve just finished writing a TV pilot.

I chose Bill Daily. He played Howard Borden, Bob’s neighbor, on the old Bob Newhart Show. I’ve always enjoyed his work.

I haven’t seen him in anything new in a long time.  I hope he’s still alive.  I mentioned that in the letter.

A lot of people could be pretty cruel back in high school.

Not just bullies either, a lot of the faculty were mean too.

I remember one time they suspended me for being “excessively abstinent”.  That’s like adding insult to injury.

 It’s not like I was being abstinent on purpose. In those days abstinence was thrust upon me. And I know damn well that most of the kids in school couldn’t get laid either, but they never got punished for it.

I don’t know why the superintendent singled me out for punishment anyway. It’s not like I was a trouble maker. Hell,  half the time I didn’t even show up for class.