The Sedated Ape

Sometimes I miss my days in the circus side show. My gimmick was being “The man who can eat fire… but doesn’t for obvious health and safety reasons”. Before that I was the strong man. After the rubes bought the ticket they explained that the “strong” part of my title referred to the many strong opinions I held on a variety of controversial topics.

NyQuil is so close to being the perfect medicine. Why can’t they just change it to: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest medicine that will also cure diarrhea? It’s so close to solving all your health problems, you’d think someone would’ve added that part by now. Besides, you really don’t want to be in a nice drug induced sleep while you still have diarrhea. Things have the potential to get very unpleasant very quick.

One of the worst things about being self employed is that no  matter how well I do I’ll never be promoted to being someone else. Unless reincarnation is true, I guess , but I don’t want to wait that long.  I’m sick of being me now. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to keep sending myself my union dues every month.

They say we can’t just pull all the troops out of Iraq  because if we did then they would have a civil war. So if we left all the people who are now trying to kill us would start killing each other. Granted that’s not a 100% ideal situation, but it does seem like an improvement to me.

I read that the Revolutionary War cost $2.2 billion in today’s dollars. It’s amazing that someone was willing to let them wait until now before they had to pay for it.

One nice thing about staying in New York is that later you can sometimes see where you stayed on TV. That happened to me last night. There was a TV show that showed the outside of the Gotham Comedy Club. It’s on west 23^rd right next door to the hotel I stayed in when I was in the city back in October. Pretty neat. Here if you ever see your house on television it means the meth lab next door exploded

If prostitution is the oldest profession, how did the first client manage to pay anything?

I don’t get all the fuss over whether a president, or future president, believes in evolution or not. It just doesn’t seem like something that would come up very often at all during his work day. Are people afraid that he might veto it and everyone would have to crawl back into the primordial soup?

Now the terrorist are using retarded people to carry out the suicide bombings. So you know that somewhere there are seventy two pissed off disappointed virgins

Remember a year or so back when that newspaper in Europe ran a cartoon that pictured Mohammed and a lot of Arabs freaked out because it’s not allowed to have any images of the prophet? How did the cartoonist know if he got a good likeness of him?

Godwin’s Law sure takes a lot of the fun out of my discussion group for WW2 history buffs.

If Occam’s razor really worked all the time then the term “Occam’s razor” would refer to a shaving implement

Two rules for being a successful Christian rock star.

1- It’s IMPOSSIBLE to use the word “worship” too much. Use the word “worship” like that cat on Mr. Rogers used “meow”.

2- Just change normal love songs to Christian songs by replacing the girl’s name in the lyrics with “Jesus” and change the pronoun “her” to “him”. When you say “Him” look and point to the sky so everyone knows you’re talking about God and not some gay lover. This is important.

Also note that rule #2 doesn’t work with most rap songs. It’s okay for someone to sing about loving Jesus. It’s less okay to sing about wanting to tap the son of God’s big ghetto ass until he squeals.

As a political system, I don’t think we’ve given angry mobs a fair chance.

Whenever something goes really wrong angry mobs are always who we turn to. When a monster shows up do you think the city council is going to be able to stop it? Bullshit - it’s the angry torch carrying mob that gets the job done. You can’t even expect the government to be able to find that many torches on such short notice, much less use them to scare off a monster.

 Do you suppose Frankenstein would have been chased off by a wimpy ‘non binding resolution” from congress? No. It takes torches and farm implements to do that.

Plus, if we did ever switch from being  a democracy to an angry mob for the first time I’d want to take part in the government. Being a part of an angry mob seems like it would be fun as hell.

I’d carry an axe, I think. (If you get to choose. I’m not 100% sure how this works exactly) Most people seem to go for torches and pitchforks, so if I had an axe  that would make me be sorta like a special forces unit.

I thought about a chainsaw but mine is electric, so you’d either need to bring a lot of extension cords with you or they would need to lure the monster within 75 feet of my house before I could try to cut him up.

And I don’t really want a monster that close to my stuff.

In ninth grade English class we had an assignment where we had to write a poem describing our soul. I remember mine:

 My soul is like a principle of life,

feeling, thought, and action in humans,

regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body

and commonly held to be separable in existence from the body;

the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part”

I’m probably to literal of a guy to ever be much of a poet, I guess

I learned today that under the law of most states, the mentally disabled are considered unable to give consent to sex. 

Man, I’m so sick of the government butting into my love life.

First, the Bush twins got a restraining order. And what I suggested in the letter wasn’t out of line at all.   I KNOW what twins are really like , I’ve been reading the letters in Penthouse for years.

Then  I find out that Jessica Rabbit is just a cartoon.  And even if she wasn’t,  it’s against the law to screw a rabbit.  Even if she does have great tits.

 Now retards are off limits.  And where do we draw the line with that?  How  stupid can a woman be before you’re not allowed to want to fuck her?

 You’d think the ACLU would have offered to come to my aid by now.

America has a problem with childhood obesity.

Not me personally, I don’t mind fat kids too much. They aren’t very nice to look at and they don’t smell that good a lot of the time, but I don’t consider it a problem.  But society, in general, apparently does have a problem with childhood obesity according to this thing I read in Reader’s Digest.

And that shows what a bureaucratic mess the government can be. We have too many fat kids AND we buy poor kids their school lunch for free! If we would just stop doing that we’d save money and some kids would slim down at the same time.

Waste like that in the government that is exactly the reason a lot of people don’t care enough to even vote anymore.

I’m  back with part two - If you haven’t yet you should scroll down and read part one first.

 Okay, this cartoon “Uncle Tom and Little Eva” is based on Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe. I’ve never actually read the book, but they couldn’t call the cartoon “Uncle Tom” if they didn’t follow the book pretty close. So if you’re a student looking for homework advice, just save your time and just read this instead.  You might want to play down the part with the baby hippo a little bit, but I’m sure the rest of it stays stays pretty close.

Okay, the story is set in the American south, and we have a giraffe, two male lions holding hands  and an elephant who is suffering from rickets introducing it.

Now we’re on a Mississippi River boat and a band of ….. well, I guess the theater owners demanded that the blackface stereotypes have animal ears so they could claim that even though they played up every stereotype in the book and made up a few new ones along the way these weren’t supposed to be be black people at all. So, please don’t burn down the theater in protest.  

Anyway, those black folks sure look lazy, don’t they? The ones who can stay awake are playing “(Way Down Upon the) Swanee River”

This mouse, who is not Mickey Mouse - even though they seem to look alike and are wearing similar shorts, gloves and shoes - but  is , actually  a completely different mouse that isn’t owned by Walt Disney, so please don’t sue - -is conducting a wiener dog barber shop quartet. This is the last we see of them in the cartoon.

The music is so good, they just can’t help but tap dance. And they sure do love watermelon! The one on the left is eating his while the guy on the right is playing the watermelon’s stripes like an upright bass.

While this little guy just dives right in!

It’s summertime and the living is easy, fish are jumpin’ and the cotton is high.  Remember the part about it being summer - that should be important later, but isn’t.

So far on the stereotype scorecard we got: Lazy, watermelon,  tap dancing and cotton picking.

Add “shuffling” to the list for the fellow on the right. The guy on the bottom left is playing his friend’s head and belly like a bongo drum.  That’s pretty odd, but not really racist i don’t guess.

It’s pretty easy to tell who’s supposed to be Uncle Tom, but I’m not sure which one is Little Eva. There are two little black girls in the cartoon, I think.  It may just be the same girl  inconsistently drawn.  Plus, one of the little black girls is friends with a baby hippo. Maybe the hippo is Little Eva.  The credits don’t help

 More tap dancing!

The slave owner shows up and is either outraged because of the lack of work,  or  maybe because of the fraternization with hippos. It’s not clear.  Anyway it’s off too the slave auction for the black folk.

The hippo cries, and this is the last we see of her. That’s why I doubt she’s supposed to be “Little Eva”, but I can’t be sure.

Off to the auction, singing and dancing all the way - slaves were happy because they were always singing, you know?

Animation advice: Don’t have your main character’s head out of the frame.  More shufflin’  and dancing….

The crowd doesn’t like his dance moves. I didn’t know that in  slave auctions  the talent score counted so much . It’s like Confederate Idol.

They like her tap dancing better, but she runs from the stage!

The hounds are set after the runaway slaves and everyone is running down the river jumping from one chunk of ice to the next even though two minutes ago it was summer with watermelon and cotton fields.

Meanwhile, at Uncle Tom’s Cabin (See the sign? This is like those Classic Illustrated Comic books. You’re learning while you’re being entertained) Tom is polishing his ball and chain.  See, even if you’re a slave you still can have a little pizazz. I believe the kids today call it bling.

Uncle Tom to the rescue. And I gotta admit, the bit with the wheelbarrow is a pretty decent sight gag.

The slave owner and the search dogs near a waterfall…

 It’s hard to tell from the picture, but Tom snaps the chain and throws the ball into the boat sending the bad guy down the waterfall.  So, apparently, the ball and chain was just a fashion choice for him all along.

Now everyone is safe and so happy that they start singing “Dixie” while a  mouse, who is not Mickey Mouse - even though they seem to look alike and are wearing similar shorts, gloves and shoes - but  is , actually  a completely different mouse that isn’t owned by Walt Disney, so please don’t sue - plays along.

But wait, there’s something missing.  The black people don’t seem completely happy.  Something is missing… we’ve had tap dancing, watermelon, cotton picking and long lazy naps, but still…

A Chicken shows up! You know how crazy black people are for fried chicken! They chase after it…

And remember the rule from the other day? Just have everyone run off and say “The End”

 Well, at least it was official.

Oh, and I looked it up and the story does have a happy ending because in 1962 Little Eva had a number one single in the US charts with “The Loco-Motion” which was later covered by Grand Funk Railroad!

I’m starting a “get out the vote” drive. I Think it’s important that we urge every citizen to vote because we need the viewpoint of people who couldn’t care less one way or the other.

How do we do that? Stickers! No one can resist stickers. 

I made a few designs that you can print off and spread the word.

During your parties, meals and family outings do you always feel like there is something missing? Is that something me? If so, you’re in luck.

I don’t like people very much, so I’m not going to actually show up in person to any of your various events. But I did come up with a way you can have the next best thing. (Which from my point of view is the first best thing)

Introducing the $19.99 “Virtual Tony Myers Experience” :

What you get:

One 8 x 10 photo of me printed using the finest printer money can buy for less than fifty dollars, on a new sheet of high quality copier paper with nothing written on the back.

(ignore the part about my teeth - it’s an old picture.)

A little easel so you can prop my photo up on a table to create the illusion of me being right there eating dinner with you.

A limited edition CD of loud chewing noises.

That should be worth $19.99 by itself, but the “Virtual Tony Myers Experience“ isn’t just visual.

Before I mail the picture I’ll rub all it over my body so you’ll be able to see me AND smell me.

What sets The “Virtual Tony Myers Experience” apart from all the other cheap knock-off Tony Myers simulation packages flooding e-bay? The official “Virtual Tony Myers Experience” is interactive.

You’ll also get a list of discussion topics that are  like the actual things I talk about in real life. Here’s just a small sampling of the topics and stories you might get when you order -

- Why restaurants don’t ever have “Tang” on their menus.

- Why Larry, Moe and Curly remained friends all those years.

- The story about the time I tried to heat up Jell-O in the microwave.

- A list of things to do that will get you kicked out of a strip club

- How different things would be if I was in charge of professional wrestling

- How much I would like fuck the redhead chick from “Mythbusters”

- Mexicans

- How the police were able to call batman to fight crime on sunny days

- If it’s such a safe color why don’t you ever see cars painted hunter orange

- Stuff I’ve misplaced over the years

- What happens when you spray-paint a turtle

- The other girl on Mythbusters I’d still fuck, but would be disappointed that I got her and not the redhead

- This weird lump I have on the underside of my tongue.

- Why people call him “ Bigfoot” instead of “Bigfeet”

- Who I suspect stole my jumper cables.

I’m also good at thinking up nicknames for people I meet, so to make the “ Virtual Tony Myers Experience” even more realistic I’ll include up to four nicknames that you can start using on your friends or family.

Here is just a few of the great nicknames I’ve came up with for strangers just like you: Buttermilk, Utica Slim, Mugsy, Lil’ Miss Gyro, and “The other guy named Jeff”.

Act now before all the non-obscene nicknames are gone!