The Sedated Ape

The guy who won the Billiards championship in Germany later got disqualified because they found EPO, a banned substance in his urine test. EPO is a blood booster most closely associated with endurance sports. Marathon runners and the Tour de France* guys get caught using it.

If you were in a billiards tournament I could see maybe how taking anti-anxiety meds might help, but if you don’t naturally have enough endurance to play billiards you should probably just lie down and have someone call 911 for you.

* I don’t know why we don’t just call it the “Tour Of France”. Is that ‘‘de’ in there to make it seems classy and exotic? It’s just riding a bike. Kids and adults who have too many DWI’s ride bikes all the time. Nothing classy about them.

I’m not a cannibal, and I’ve never wanted to be one.

I’m glad about that, because if you did think you might like to be a cannibal there’s no way to be sure until you actually try it. I bet you would feel like a real asshole if you killed a guy only to discover after one bite that you didn’t like the taste of human flesh after all.

It would be a waste of human life and food. You probably couldn’t even give it away to the neighbors like hunters try to do with all their extra venison (If I ever had any venison it would ALL be extra). If you go around asking people who live near you if they would like some “drifter meat” you’d probably end up in trouble. At the very least you’d become the topic of neighborhood gossip.

 And you can’t even sell it on EBay or Craig’s list. They have rules against that kinda thing. It’s in the FAQ.

If there are any kids reading this, I’d advise  that you not  try cannibalism.  It’s a path you don’t want to get started on.  And if you choose to ignore my advice,  please try it on someone besides me.

“I’ve ate in enough hotel restaurants to know what a chicken wing is supposed to look like!”

 - Angry guy at Kentucky Fried Chicken 

I got an idea for a new TV show for Ashton Kutcher. Basically he would sneak into someones house with a camera crew. Then he would wait until they get home then rape the shit out of them. Then after it was over he’s take off the ski mask and everyone would be relieved and happy because he’s a celebrity and they were going to be on TV and the rape was just a prank.

Of course I haven’t got Ashton Kutcher to sign on to the project yet. I don’t know how to even contact him.  I suppose how it works is that once a network buys the show they contact his people for it.

So for the pilot I had to find someone to take his place. I chose this guy I know named Gary who spends most of his time hanging out in the gas station. I’ve written about him before - http://sedatedape.com/2007/02/02/51/.

So when we were taping the show as soon has Gary pulled off the ski mask I had to come out from behind the video camera and scream “It’s OK! Calm down! Pretend he’s Ashton Kutcher! Pretend he’s Ashton Kutcher! Stop crying! Act like it’s going to be on TV!!!

So far the show has gotten mixed reviews. The victims of the ‘prank” don’t seem to like it very much at all. Gary, on the other hand,  thought it was great. He really seemed to be enjoying himself.

 I guess it’s impossible to make one TV show that appeals to everyone.

Remember the first “Shocking racist cartoon review” I did a couple of weeks ago? The Africa one, not the one about the  slave trade.

If you haven’t read it yet,  you should go back and read it.  Take all the time you need. I’ll still be here when you get back. I don’t have anywhere else to go.

This is from  another Tom and Jerry cartoon called “Wot A Day”.  (See?  It’s not just rappers who misspell words on purpose. 1930’s cartoons were doing it a long time before rap was even invented. Tom And Jerry are hardcore gangsters)

  This one isn’t fun enough for a whole review, but remember the black face skeletons in “Plane Dumb”?

Well, when you have a gag like the gospel singing black-face  skeleton barbershop quartet you don’t just use it once.

It’s actually a running gag in their cartoons apparently, because here they are again!

But this time Jerry knows just what to do to get away from them…

What’s  the one thing black folks just cant resist?

Dice!

 They all dive after them resulting in a a pile of bones and black face skulls!

So I guess that’s  a happy ending, as long as you don’t think about it very much. Then it becomes a very, very sad ending.

Honoring the less talented relatives of great baseball players.

Yogi Berra  was elected to the baseball Hall of Fame in 1972. He was one of only four players to be named the Most Valuable Player of the American League three times, and one of only six managers to lead both American and National League teams to the World Series.  According to Bill James Yogi was the greatest catcher of all time. Outside of baseball Yogi is known for his malapropisms doing  television commercials.

Outside of baseball,  his son Dale is mostly known for doing cocaine.

Dale once said, “You can’t compare me to my father. Our similarities are different.”  Dale, a lifetime .236 hitter actually compares best, stats wise, to Andy Etchebarren.  If you know who Andy Etchebarren is chances are that your last name is also “Etchebarren”.

He does, however,  have two things in common with a  Yankee great -  Don Mattingly.  For one, they had the same style moustache. The second thing  is more unusual. 

 In 1985  during a road trip to Kansas City Don Mattingly took a leak in the parking lot of a restaurant and was arrested for urinating in a public place.  Two nights later in the very same restaurant parking lot Dale also  was arrested for urinating in a public place,  with a side order of  resisting arrest.

The coolest thing about Dale Berra? His nickname: “Boo-Boo”.

”I’m definitely not opposed to the random drug testing.” - Dale Berra

Very random

My new book is a travel guide for the segment of our society who can’t be trusted to run loose. But does that mean they can’t explore a great many new and exciting places? Probably so, but they’ll just have to make the best of it. And that’s where my book comes in! I point out one thousand great new places that they very well may have overlooked if they are exceptionally poor at noticing things.

Here is just a small sample from the table of contents:

The corner

Your bunk

The toilet/sink

The hallway

The other corner

The wall between the first two corners

Under your bunk

The visiting room

The room where they strap you down

The third corner

The shower room

The floor around the toilet/sink

The yard

The padded isolation room

The fourth corner

The prison hospital

The bright light at the end of a long tunnel

The first corner again

When I was a kid I was jealous of birds because they can fly and that seems fun as hell.  Since then i realized that if I was a bird that would also mean that my shit would be white. That would be horrible. There would be no easy way to know when you were done wiping your ass. You’d just have to hope you got the job done. See, you have to take both the good and the bad into consideration. They cancel each other out.  I realize that now.  That’s the true sign of maturity, I think.

So if I ever get the chance to be a bird I guess  I’d be ambivalent about the whole thing.

Anyway,  I drew a picture of a guy with a beard: