The Sedated Ape

- Don’t use the word “epic” when you mean “really good”. The Odyssey, Iliad and Gilgamesh are epics. A good video game score is just a good video game score.

- Don’t call your genitalia “junk” unless you mean that it’s of no practical use to anyone.

- “It is what it is” - Ball players say this a lot after they lose. Apparently they think it makes them seem wise and philosophical, but I’m pretty sure they picked up the idea from a Popeye cartoon. A good rule is: If you hear a phrase for the first time while watching a game on TV you should never repeat it. Remember how dumb the good athletes were back in high school ? Well, they don’t get any smarter just because they turned pro.

- “Man up”

- “It’s all good”

- Don’t call underwear “Tighty Whities’. That was funny for about 30 seconds five years ago.

- “Not so much”

- “It’s a _____  thing”

- Any saying that has been popularized by Adam Sandler, Mike Myers, Larry the cable guy or Jim Carey.

- People who are overly neat and prissy aren’t necessarily  “OCD”. Obsessive compulsive disorder is something very different - and a lot more fun to watch.

-” dude’

- People over 30 should not adopt the slang of teenagers. Stick with the words you already have

I always pictured God as being older. And not so ugly.

It’s about damn time the FBI started cracking down on women with facial hair.

I don’t get why a lot of people think professional wrestling isn’t real. It’s been on television every Monday for years!! Do they think everyone who has seen it on TV is just making the whole thing up? It’s even listed in the  damn TV guide! 

A scary realization: In most fast food restaurants they have their smartest most presentable people  working up front where they have to interact with customers. That means that they actually have people who are even uglier and dumber hid away somewhere in the back. And it’s those sub-humans who actually touch your food . I find it best to try not to imagine what those poor freaks might look like until you’ve finished you burger

I have a lot of pet peeves. You know what really gets my goat? This guy named Greg who works for animal control, that’s who. I’ve told him a hundred times, “Leave the damn goat alone, he isn’t bothering anybody”

In Missouri we have a saying: “If you don’t like the time in Missouri, just wait a half hour and it will change!” We used to say that about the weather, but we were afraid we might get sued if we said that about the weather and then it didn’t change. From a legal point of view the new saying is a lot safer

Living in your parents basement sure isn’t the anything to write home about.

They say that there is no sense  crying  over spilt milk.  I’ve found, however,  that if you cry loud and long enough sometimes people will feel sorry for you and get you more milk

I’m never listening to medical advice from  my mother anymore after hearing some of her insane suggestions . I had the flu and she told me I should try those Alka-Seltzer flu tablets. That’s seemed sensible, but then she told me that while I was at the drugstore I ought to get some diarrhea medicine too . I don’t care how sick I get, I’m never going to do that! That’s just disgusting. It must taste really horrible. Why would we even be trying to create medicine out of something like that? What exactly do they hope to cure?

I don’t think I’ll ever really understand women. What I don’t know about women could fill a book. But the publisher I talked to about it didn’t think the market for a book like that would be large enough to make it profitable.

A lot of people call me crazy, but I try not to let it bother me.  I just remember that people used to call guys like  Einstein, Edison and Galileo “ crazy” too.   On the other hand, people have also called Jeffrey Dahmer and Charles Manson “crazy” plenty of times too.  We need more information, that’s my point.

Drinks on the house seems pretty inconvenient to me. Dangerous too

One reason I’d like to live in New York city is that you can get around without driving. I’m not a good driver and I hate doing it. It’s so boring. I was taught that you were supposed to put your left hand on the wheel at ten o’clock and the other one at two. That’s a LONG boring four hours to have wait in a parking lot with one hand on the wheel.  I don’t even usually  like to wake up before 3pm. So if I need to drive somewhere that day I’ve got to set an alarm clock. The whole thing is one big pain in the ass.

A lot of people like to talk about what one album they would want if they were stranded alone on an island. Personally, I don’t think I’d care about it one way or the other. In a situation like that I’d be so distracted by my imminent death from thirst or starvation that I probably wouldn’t be in the mood to listen to any music of any sort.

Lord, lead me not into temptation. It’s nothing personal , but it would be really awkward if I showed up there with you.

I love Chinese food. My favorite is probably General Tso’s chicken . The Chinese may be godless heathens with a horrible human rights record, but you have to admit that their military leaders are far ahead of ours when it comes to entrée creation. Our military officers do excel in breakfast foods. General Mills and Captain Crunch have both created some really  top notch cereals, but we have a real lack of martial leadership in the “main dish” race.

If I ever buy my own baseball team I’m going to name them “The Terrorists”. Two reasons. One-  it’s a scary sounding name - that’s a plus. Two - It would make the radio play by play seem more exciting - with stuff like: “One more out and the Terrorists win!! …The only drawback would be poor merchandise sales. Most people wouldn’t want to be in line at the airport wearing a shirt with the word “Terrorist” printed on it. I can see how that might cause problems

I’m in a group that does cold war reenactments. It’s pretty easy. All you have to do is sit around and look worried about Russia

All through high school I was on the debate team. 

I wasn’t too good at it.  I spent the better part of a year mispronouncing  Friedrich Nietzsche’s name. That’s pretty bad, but what’s even worse is that I actually thought quoting Nietzsche in a high school debate was a good idea.  So, i guess maybe it was good thing that I didn’t pronounce his name right. Maybe I was so far off that people couldn’t tell who I meant to be talking about.

Not only that, during my senior year the debate teacher actually rigged the election so I wouldn’t be elected the captian of the debate team.  That’s not a joke. I was  actually the Al Gore of the  high school debate world.

That’s not what I wanted to tell you about though. 

Every few years or so  the paper does a feature article with a title like “What women look for in men”. I guess they have to fill the space somehow,  even  on slow news days.  You can’t just tell your subscribers that they won’t be getting a paper today because nothing happened yesterday.  People would ask for a refund.  So we get stories like that every so often.

Without fail  the results of their study shows that what women most look for in a man is a sense of humour.

I’d like to  use my debater training and offer a rebuttal:

Thank you.

Sometimes it’s  a very fine line between what society finds acceptable and what it doesn’t.

For example - When you volunteer to help out at the Special Olympics and hug each of the contestants as they cross the finish line everyone thinks that’s great. It’s almost seen as a community service. People admire you for it.

On the other hand,  if you  help out at the Special Olympics and hug each of the contestants as they cross the finish line AND you have an erection everyone treats you like  you’re some sort of deranged sexual predator.

Like I said, it’s a very fine line.

I’ve got an idea that combines the two things everyone loves the best.

What are the two most popular things in the US today you ask?

1) Kissing  booths - people can’t get enough of kissing. Kissing has  been very popular ever since it was discovered in the the late 1950’s.

2) Freak Shows. Who doesn’t enjoy staring at  insane  and deformed people?  I  know I do!

So -  when people come to my new  freak show not only will they be able to see people like The Missing Link, The Bearded Lady, Pinheads and the guy who bites the heads off of live chickens, they’ll also be able to give each of them a big sloppy kiss on the lips!

No other sideshow offers that!

The only exception will be “The Leper Boy”.  For liability reasons people will only be able to blow him a kiss through a glass window.  To make up for that I’ll allow everyone to kiss both sides of the Siamese twins

They say that if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade.

I disagree with this. Instead, if life gives you lemons I think you should just sell the lemons. That way your profit margin in 100%. It’s a lot easier too.  I’ve tried doing it both ways.

If you make lemonade you have to pay for the glasses, sugar, water, and ice. if you’re just selling lemons you never need to worry about stuff like that.

I even tried to hire some homeless guys to squeeze the lemons for me. That was a big mistake - most of them were either insane or drunk. And you couldn’t ever depend on them to show up for work on time. It was a struggle to even get them to wash their hands before they started squeezing the lemons. I learned the hard way - beggars can’t be juicers.

If I ever get into a lot of legal trouble I’m not going to hire lawyer.

Instead, I’ll get somebody who makes amateur animal porn movies to represent me.

If you can talk some woman into sucking off a donkey so you can videotape it and sell it on the internet you should have no problem at all convincing 12 people on a jury into doing whatever you want them to do.

I can’t even imagine  how anyone could have the nerve to actually begin to suggest something like that to their wife or girlfriend.

What do they say?

“Hey honey, come here a minute, I got a great idea. And bring the video camera… the dog too”

“ Remember when you told me about how you always wanted a pony when you were little?”

“You know, they say that once you go Yak, you never go back”.