My mother used to tell us to never make fun of anyone just because they’re different than you. That’s just dumb. The ONLY reason to make fun of anyone is because they’re not like you. If you just made fun of people who are just like you, you might as well be making fun of yourself! Where’s the fun in that?
Some guys just don’t know when to quit. Personally, I’ve found that Thursdays work best for me. That way you can just pick up your last check on Friday and have a three day weekend.
How to be briefly popular : Go into a crowded bar and yell “Free drinks for everybody!”. It only work for a short amount of time because very often the bartender will expect you to pay for all the drinks. I’ll never understand why so many people aren’t able to understand such a straight forward concept as “FREE drinks”
I have a six figure income if you carry the decimal point several places father to the left than is customary.
If I was a midget, Halloween would be my favorite holiday. There would be so many more costume options open to you that normal people could never pull off – . Munchkin, Ewok, Fire Hydrant, Mini-Me…the list goes on and on . And if you forgot about getting a costume you could just go as a midget. Even that would be pretty cool.
I have a very mild form of bulimia. After a big meal I often sneak off my myself and intentionally drool a lot.
I’m working on a script for a new Incredible Hulk movie – in my version instead of Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk whenever he gets angry, he changes whenever he gets horny. It adds a much needed layer of depth to the character. Instead of trying to fight crime, Banner searches all over the country trying to find a girlfriend who won’t freak out whenever he changes. I got the idea from a board game I made a long time ago called “Horny, Horny Hippos”.
Last winter a complete stranger came to the door and asked if they could cut down a pine tree that was in the yard to use for a Christmas tree. It must take a lot of nerve for someone to even ask something like that. I let him do it though. What do I care? I was just house sitting anyway.
When I die I hope people will remember me as a kind person who would always make time to help those less fortunate that myself. I figure my best chance for that happening is if they confuse me with someone else who looked a lot like me.
I got a rental car the last time I went on vacation. They gave me a Ford Escort that over heated on the highway. I never had a rental car break down on me before, so I wasn’t sure who to call about it. Finally I found a place in the phone book called “Tina’s Escort Service”. They never did get the car running, but their customer service more than made up for it. Nobody from AAA will ever be willing to suck you off while you’re waiting for the tow truck to get there. I know, I asked. It even says they won’t on the fine print on the back of the membership card. I think they finally put that on there after I kept asking them about it.
Killer bees are always a big disappointment.. Every year there are news stories about the killer bees coming our way, but they never actually get here. Killer bees are the Great Pumpkin of impending disasters.
Everybody claims that they’re sick of vicious political attack ads, but I don’t mind them. I think they’re kind of fun and interesting. And so far none have ever been directed at me personally. That’s a plus.
It’s odd that all the white supremists you see on TV seem very poor. Apparently being the master race doesn’t help your earning potential very much
The odds of the Snuffy Smith comic strip still being in the newspaper is in inverse ratio to the GNP of the town the paper serves
Sleep meds give you very odd dreams – You know how at carnivals they used to have a horse and rider jump off a high dive into a pool of water? Well, last night I dreamed I was in a swimming pool and they kept sending horses in like that on top of me. It’s nice how my subconscious will sometimes create brand new things for me to worry about.
Whenever someone asks me my age I tell them “34 of your Earth years”. I think that saying it like that helps to make me seem exotic and mysterious. Like superman. Or Alf.
You know what would be great? It they made those pajamas with the feet built it for grownups. Even better – what it they just sold pants like that with shoes and socks built right in. It would save you a lot of time, and think of all the money you’d save on shoes, shoelaces, socks and dating.
It bugs me when politicians and people like that call the army “our fighting men and women”. I don’t have any fighting men and women. I wish I did – that would be pretty cool, but I don’t. And if I did have some, I wouldn’t share them.
I can’t wait until my next high school reunion. All those jerks who used to pick on me will sure be shocked when they see me enter the building with a gorgeous woman on my arm. Back then they never would have thought that someone like me would one day have enough money to hire an escort.
I learned two things watching an infomercial last night. 1) Some people are introduced as being “fitness celebrities” I didn’t know it was possible to be so healthy that you’d become famous for it. 2) It’s important to work on your “core”. I had no idea that I even HAD a core. So, I guess that’s three things I learned – if you count both of the “core” things separately
Batman ain’t so great. I have a belt that does more than one thing too. My utility belt has three functions. 1) it hold up my pants. 2) It doubles as a long thin leather strap. 3) It can also be used an emergency suicide machine.
If you’re really nervous about giving a speech to a group of nudists what are you supposed to visualize?
Some people say they consider their pets to be members of the family. I don’t. I think it would be wrong to castrate a family member and make them eat off the floor and shit in a box in the laundry room. If you tried to treat any other family member like that you’d be arrested.
If I could save time in a bottle I’d have more room for other magazines on the coffee table.
I remember in an old comic book I read where the super villain tried to steal the Statue of Liberty. Since then I’ve thought a lot about trying to do that myself. I decided not to though. Even if I could successfully steal it, something that large and famous would be very hard to fence.
I made it a point to set the VCR to record “Comedy Central’s Bob Saget Roast”. That was a waste. The show turned out be just a bunch of his friends making fun of him. Sometimes I think that if you ever want to see a celebrity burned alive you might as well just do it yourself.
