The Sedated Ape

In college I took a course in local current events, but since the school was in Kansas, there wasn’t much going on. Mostly, we just looked out the window. If a squirrel showed up, we’d have a quiz.

My grandfather used to be a movie star. This was before movies had sound. Or pictures. Mostly he just stood on street corners and pretended he was a cowboy.

If anyone in country music had a sense of humor they would have buried Johnny Cash in a pale lavender leisure suit.

A stranger is just a victim you haven’t met yet

How to make the people working  McDonald’s drive thru day a lot more interesting

1- Print this out.

2- Tape it to the drive thru speaker.

If you do it, take a picture and send it me.

Because of the dangers of climate change I’ve decided that  from now on this blog will remain carbon neutral.

I have no strong feelings about carbon one way or the other.

In fact I’m neutral about almost all of the elements. Oxygen is pretty sweet if you’re in the market for something to breathe.  Samarium is a cool sounding name.  It sounds like a Japanese warrior element, but I don’t really  even know what it is.

As for the other 115, I could take them or leave them.

I got a really good idea.

You know how Wal-Mart has special checkout lanes for people to use if they have 20 items or less and  other special lanes for people with 10 or less items? That can really speed things up.

So I thought they could designate a special checkout line for people with “zero items or less”.  Think of all the time that could save people who don’t want to shop at Wal-Mart! They could be in and out in minutes!

The “or less” part of the new checkout line would be for people who wanted to bring something they already own to give to the store as a gift.  They could use the lane too.

Wal-Mart could even hire more of the crazy/old/crippled/retarded people like the ones they  have working as “people greeters” now to be the cashiers at the new checkout lanes. As long as you made sure there isn’t any real money in their registers, what could they hurt?

Well, once again I did not win People magazine’s sexiest man alive. Hugh Jackman did. I don’t know who that is, but I’m almost certain he isn’t me.

I know who’s to blame for me being cheated out of award.  I would have won it every year since 1991 if Ralph Nader didn’t insist on always running and splitting the vote.

Now don’t get me wrong, Ralph Nader is a handsome man. And if I was gay I’d be all over him just like everyone else. Granted.

But how can someone even be considered in the running for “Sexiest Man Alive” when their sexual organs don’t even work anymore? It’s a well known fact that Ralph Nader is impotent. It was even on wikipedia. Or, it used to be anyway – before they blocked me from adding anything to wikipedia articles anymore

And I guess it’s tacky to brag about stuff like this, but not only does mine work, it works amazingly efficiently! It can go from 0 to ejaculation in 6.9 seconds.  Whoever Hugh Jackman is,  I seriously doubt he could manage it any quicker than that.

1- Unless you’re very sure that there are no geeky type guys around and you’re at least a mile away from any comic book store  never mention that you think “Howard The Duck” was the best work George Lucas ever did.

2- If you ever find yourself in a sanity hearing, never EVER mention the  Illuminati.  Don’t mention it. Don’t refer to it.  Don’t even joke about it.  Try to look like you’re  not even thinking about it.  At all. Ever. Mentioning the Illuminati In a sanity hearing is like talking about bombs while you’re boarding a plane.  It’s not the time nor place for it.  In fact,  if there is anything  you first learned about while you were listening  to late night talk radio consider that topic taboo. 

If you have a webpage, apparently there is some sort of obligation that you have to write something about the election.   I don’t care much about politics and I think people who vote are silly and childish.  But it’s mandatory to write about it,  so here are four  short observations…

For the next four years, at least, racist jokes will be considered political satire.

I didn’t think America would elect a black man – too many rednecks. In fact around here when the Obama supporters called voters they started their pitch with “Will you be voting for Barack Obama, and if not would you at least please consider not taking a shot at him if you see his motorcade go by?”.  So, I was wrong about that.  I think I must have forgot how many rednecks are convicted felons who can’t vote anyway.  About 12 years ago I predicted that the Internet would be a fad that would die out like CB radio did. I probably should stop trying to predict stuff.

It will be very nice to have a president who doesn’t speak with a lisp for a change.  You would have thought that back when Bush first decided to run for elected office someone at the GOP headquarters would have suggested that he might give speech therapy a try. His lisp has annoyed me for eight years now.  When he tries to  say the word “terrorist” it comes out ” terraced”, which might not be such a big deal if he didn’t try to work the word “terrorist” into every third sentence.

One nice thing about Bush’s presidency is how much better it made his father seem by comparison.  George H. Bush might have been a kinda bland president, but at least he could speak on television without causing the entire nation to  cringe  in embarrassment.  He seems like a real statesman now, by comparison.  I feel like we somehow owe him an apology because we didn’t know how much worse things could get.

This is Anthony Myers.  He died in 1905.  I didn’t.  In fact, as of November 14, 2008 at 4:30 am,  I haven’t died at all.  Also, his middle initial is “T”.  Mine is “E”.   What does the “E” stand for, you ask?  The “E” stands for “Everyone”!  Or maybe it stands for “Eugene”. I forget which.  I probably should check on that someday.   I think it’s on my social security card.  Regardless, this man is not me.  I’m not Tobitha Myers either, but I think  ”Tobitha” is a pretty cool old-timey sounding name.

This happy character is Anthony Myers. Off the top of my head I can think of about five thousand reasons why this is not me.  This man is NOT me.  In fact I’m considering taking legal action to force him to change his name to something else. Tobitha, maybe.

They have this workshop here for retarded people.  Different companies send them simple jobs to do like stuffing envelopes of simple assembly work – stuff like that. I think the companies that hire  them get a tax credit.

I think it’s a good program for several reasons. It helps them earn some spending money.  it helps their sense of self worth. And,  maybe most importantly, it keeps them off the street during the say so they don’t end up starting mentally retarded street gangs.  I mean it’s bad enough we have to put up with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, we certainly don’t want packs of retarded people roaming the neighborhood too . That would be kinda creepy and it would drive down property values in a hurry.

So it’s a good idea.

But every so often the workshop has a fundraiser. I’m not sure what they need the fundraiser for, but I guess that doesn’t matter. Its none of my business, so more power to them.

This year, however, they chose to run a haunted house. I can’t explain why exactly, but a haunted house ran and staffed by retarded people just seems like a really, really bad idea.  The experience is much more awkward than scary.

When a retarded guy in a Frankenstein mask jumps out at you and makes these weird groaning noises, your fist response isn’t fear.  You first response is something more like – “Is he doing that on purpose, or does he need help?  Surely the mask has air holes, right? Did he swallow his tongue? Is his obvious erection supposed to be part of the act – who dresses up as like a  horny Frankenstein?”  Stuff like that.  

They did have one really scary room. As soon and you walked in,  a retarded kid would run up to you with open arms screaming “DADDY!!!” That probably will give me nightmares for years.

So, I guess their heart was in the right place, but they really should have put more thought into the fundraiser. Even better – they should have had SOMEONE ELSE put more thought into it.