The Sedated Ape

I signed up for this advertising service for this webpage.  It’s done automatically.  You tell them how much you want to spend and they post your ads to a whole bunch of different sites – you don’t actually have to pick the sites your ad will appear on.

Here’s one of the banner ads I used.

One of the webpages they put this on automatically  is an arts and crafts trading page so old ladies can trade their knitting or their post card collections.  Stuff like that.   On the message board all their avatars are either kitties or puppies.  The page is for people like that.

One thing is certain – old ladies who are into arts and crafts are NOT the target audience for my wepbage.  The ad didn’t go over too well with them.

Just some of the comments they wrote about it on their page -

“mm, delightful. Not.”

” could do without that for certain”

“I had to do a screen shot of it just so that I would know that I wasn’t imagining it!”

“just the heading put me off”

” I don’t think it would have made you very happy to have read it!”

“Honest to God Pat, I did look at it and thought that someone was hacking my profile”

“that makes me SO …. not happy. “

“You can choose to go to the website but the banner is there whether you like it or not”

“Yes, I certainly must agree with you, RachelB. That banner is right in your face and you have no choice.”

And all these were written within ONE HOUR of the ad showing up!

I don’t get what they were so bothered about anyway.  If I made an ad asking for people  to sodomize me, I could see how people could get upset.  But the ad makes it very clear that I didn’t want anything like that.

But what could possiblly be  offensive about NOT wanting to to be sodomized?   Being sodomized would be so awful that I was just being pro-active about preventing something like that from ever happening to me.

I was even being polite about the request.  You just cant please some people.

UPDATE: Well, I woke up this afternoon to find about eight e-mails  from the pro-sodomy knitting group.   Apparently, I got some things wrong. So corrections -

Some of the old ladies don’t feel like they’re old ladies at all.  So I should have made it clear that they only SEEM like old ladies.

Not all of the avatars are puppies or kitties. You also get some butterflies, pixies and fairy princesses.

Many of these old ladies want it known that they are not prudes with no sense of humor.  Since they quote from the sassy comic strip Cathy and draw little faces with punctuation, it’s obvious that they are all fun lovin’ gals.

Knitting, crochet and needlepoint are all very different things and I was foolish to lump them all together.

So, I deeply regret the errors and as a way of making it up to them I’ve forwarded all their e-mail addresses to discussion groups for people who enjoy being sodomized since my anti-sodomy ad upset them so.

Plus – It’s quicker and easier since you don’t have to actually draw anything

Minus – It looks kinda crappy

Little know fact: Barack Hussein Obama’s name is an anagram of “Kill the infidels, praise be to Allah” if you misspell his first, middle and last names.

My great grandfather was an entertainment pioneer. He’s considered to be one of the founding fathers of the snuff film. Of course this was before movie cameras were affordable so he had to stick to making snuff etchings and snuff Sunday comics, but he laid the ground work for all the snuff multi-media we all enjoy today. According to family lore in 1936 he was the one who talked Chic Young into brutally murdering Penny Singleton, the actress who played Blondie Bumstead in the movies, so they could make it into a gory cliffhanger for the next weeks Sunday funnies.

Two good things about being a big loser. 1) You save a lot of money by not needing to pay to have business cards made up. 2) If someone hacks into your computer and steals your identity it doesn’t really matter very much.

Due to education cutbacks and shortening of the school year , in the children’s song the dog’s name is now just “Bing”.

Jimmy Carter is 84 years old, but you still see him on television all the time building houses. It’s sad – the man was a former president and now he’s reduced to working day labor construction jobs like a common Mexican just to make ends meet! Can’t we get the man some sort of pension?

I don’t think judges should use hyperbole – There is no way I’m really “an affront to all things decent”. “Most things“, maybe. But not all.

I used to try to eat every meal like it was my last. I gained 20 pounds before I realized I got the saying wrong.

Consumer advice: Never pay over face value for a quarter. And make sure you don’t have to pay for shipping and handling. That’s how they get you.

I don’t care one way or the other if they test ballplayers for drugs or not, but we really need to have mandatory drug testing for barbers. If you go ballgame and Barry Bonds is high as a kite you still won’t end up leaving the stadium with only one sideburn and a pair of scissors stuck into the back of your neck.

At the used book store the other day  I found an diary of a guy who was a drummer boy in the Revolutionary war.  Some excerpts – Day 1 – I sure wish they would give me a gun.  Day 2- I bet we could sneak up on the redcoats a lot easier if it wasn’t for all the drumming they make me do. It seems to tip them off to our location. Day 3 – The generals all have big egos – they’ll never stop the battle for even fifteen minutes so I can do a solo. It always has to be about them. Day 4 – I wish people would stop requesting that I play “The battle Hymn Of The Republic”. How many times do I have to tell them that that damn song won’t be written for another 87 years?  Day 5 – I’m sick and tired of Yoko always hanging around the battles. If the colonies break up it’s going to be her fault.  She always keeps trying to get Vermont to  break off and go solo.

I think It’s important that parents try  not to live thru  their children.  Someday they may need those stem-cells themselves.

It’s so sad how Ed McMahan lost all his money and that someone that old might be forced into going back to his old job of sitting on sofas.

I wonder how Pac Man first decided to start trying to eat ghosts. On the face of it,  ghosts don’t seem like a very obvious choice for a new potential food source.  If I were him, I’d probably would have just keept trying to get by on the fruit people sometimes leave in the middle of the maze.

After high school I joined the Peace and Quiet Corps. Like the normal Peace Corps we would go to third world countries, but once we got there we just kept a low profile and tried to pretty much just keep to ourselves.

Someone ought to take that New Years baby to the endocrinologist. He seems to have aged an awful lot in just twelve months. Something must be wrong with his glands.

Another reason baseball is much better than football – Baseball players don’t do faggy little dances every time they score a run.

A guy in the letters to the editor wrote that the terrorists will strike us again when we least expect it.  I’ve been trying to figure out when exactly we  would be expecting it the least. If he’s right, I predict that they will attack sometime around 5 billion years from now after the sun had burned itself out. Nobody would expect them to try anything then.  Well, except me I guess…. That’s a problem with trying to pin down when something is least expected.  Once you pin down a good date, it’s no longer a very good choice.

Bumper sticker idea: If this van’s a rockin’ the springs are shot and I need to get the tires balanced”. It may be a little long for one bumper sticker. It might need to be a two-parter.

You know who really has a lot of determination? Margi Noferror.  Every year she keeps running for office even though she never gets more that two percent of the vote in any of the polls.

I was watching wrestling and they had this really big guy and the announcer said “No one has ever been able to bodyslam this giant of a man”. That sounded pretty impressive until it occurred to me that I’ve  never been body slammed either. And I’m not even a wrestler!

I was an English major, and back then I dreamed of writing the Great American novel. I’m older now, and I know I won’t. I still have dreams, but over the years I’ve lowered them quite a bit so they might one day be within my reach. Now I dream of one day making the great American bookmark