The Sedated Ape

The Great Mysterious Leon  Sphinx of Giza!

Legend has it that his front teeth were shot off by French soldiers.

My parents last two vacations.-

- They went to Minnesota to see “The Great Mall of America”. When they came back my dad said “It wasn’t any good – it was just a really big mall.” I don’t ask a lot of questions when I talk to my parents because I’ve found they just extend the conversation. But since he said that I’ve not been able to stop wondering what he could have possibly expected out of a place called “The Great Mall of America”.  I mean, it really is a pretty straightforward name.

- Right now they are on vacation in Kentucky. They saw this thing on television that said that some county in Kentucky (I forget which one) had the poorest people in the whole country.  They decided to go there so they could look at them. I never would have guessed that it was even possible to become so poverty stricken that you become a tourist attraction.

- Public speaking is one of the most  important skills that all political candidates should master. To make sure they pay attention to your message remember  to make a lot of eye contact with the audience. A sharp stick works best, but anything pointy will do – even your finger.  This is why the Three Stooges were such compelling speakers for all those years

- Politics can be a dirty business. If you find yourself down in the polls, don’t be afraid to use a lot of attack ads. If after the ads run the polls still say you’re behind, stop using attack ads and start using attack dogs.

I think most of us take the Statue of Liberty for granted, but to the people who came here in boats from other countries the statue has a lot of  meaning.

My grandfather used to always tell us his  story about standing on the crowded deck of a ship that set sail from the old country (which back then was just called “the country“) and seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time. .

He said that was the first time the he truly understood that he had gotten on the wrong ship by mistake and that was going to be very late for work.

I’m glad I’m not a Frenchman.

Back in junior and senior high school I took French classes, but by the next semester I’d forget all the words I learned.

It not a big deal here, but if I was born and raised in France that would be really embarrassing.  I’d completely forget how to speak every four months or so. People would think I’m an idiot. Or some sort of goddamn mime.

I guess if I was a Frenchman maybe I could make myself understood by grunting and pointing. Pointing works in any language.  I’m pretty good at pointing at stuff.

I got a GPS thing for my car a couple of weeks ago.  

It works fine, but after I got it I realized that the only place I ever want to go to is the the same Chinese restaurant that I’ve eaten at three or four times a week for the past five years. Realizations like that are so depressing that you can’t think about them for very long without weeping.

Overall, I still like having GPS. When you’re driving around there is a little screen that shows where your car is on the map.   I like that. I like  anything that makes my  real life seem more like that Grand Theft Auto video game.  And all the other ideas I’ve had in the past   to make my  real life seem like the  game have  got  me  into a lot of trouble.

  So this is good.

I haven’t updated this page as much lately because I’ve been busy working on a new textbook I’m writing. It’s a Sex-Ed textbook for special needs kids. I’m calling it “101 places Where it’s NOT okay to take your dick out”

Some of the best things in life are the simple pleasures most people take for granted. Like how great it feels to sleep under the stars. It’s lucky too, because until there are large advances in the field of space exploration there is no practical way to do it differently.

 Every day in the Kansas City Star at the bottom of the editorial page  they print the “Thought of the day”,  like it‘s supposed to impress somebody.  Big deal – some days I have as many as five or six thoughts, but you don’t see me bragging about it in a newspaper.

If I ever have a daughter I won’t let her play with Barbie dolls because I think they create unrealistic body images for little girls. In the real world what are the odds that a little girl will ever grow up to be only eleven and a half inches tall?

For a long time my dad drank way too much. He finally quit about twenty years ago and has been sober ever since. We’re all proud of him, but it was pretty surprising to find out that a lot of the stuff we all just assumed was caused by the booze really turned out to just be bizarre personality quirks.

If I ever get a record store I’m only going to have one section: “World Music”. That will save me a bunch of time stocking the shelves because I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a cd yet  that wouldn’t qualify  for that section

I was buying some tape and one the package one brand had their slogan; “Shurtape – stick with the pros”. At first I thought was a pretty clever motto because the word “stick” has a double meaning. But if you think about it ANYONE you could buy tape form would be, by definition, a professional. I’ve never even heard of any amateur trying to make their own adhesive tape. It seems like something you would need a factory for. And where would you get all the horses hooves you would need to melt down to make glue? Who has a backyard rendering plant these days? Making your own adhesive tape from scratch just doesn’t seem like an activity well suited for most hobbyists.

I’m not the kind guy who runs and panics at the first sign of trouble. I like to first check to make sure that the trouble is actually coming in my direction. I find this cuts down on a lot of unnecessary running.

Back in the depression my grandfather was reduced to selling an apple on the street corner. He only had the one.  For a penny   he’d  let people hold the apple for awhile so they could impress  the women walking by.

On every dry cleaning bag they print “this bag is not a toy”, This  just proves that the people in the dry cleaning industry have very poor imaginations.

It will take a while for it to catch on , but I’ve had an idea that will change the way gas stations are run. I’ve suggested that instead of having a ‘Take a penny/ leave a penny” tray it would be best to just change the policy and make it just a “Leave a penny” tray. Doing it  my way just makes more economic sense. And if it works out I have plans to introduce a new ‘Leave a twenty dollar bill’ tray.

If a masochist dies without finding Christ, does he go to hell? If so, does it still count as punishment if he gets off on it?

It’s sad how many people are afraid of change.  They’re only coins after all,  and as long as  you keep them out of your mouth and ears they can’t hurt you.

Everything happens  “while you wait”.

How to make any conversation a lot more awkward:  When anyone, regardless or gender or situation asks you if you’re married always answer with: ” Why, what did you have in mind?”

Friends -

Have you been putting off getting head lice because of the high cost of eventually getting rid of them?

Would you like to be able to share you hats, caps and scarves with hobos and gypsies?

Are you tired of paying extra for the prostitutes that don’t have the crabs?

Do you yearn to rub you head all over that stray dog that hangs around the dumpster at Arby’s?

Well, if you’re lucky, all your prayers will be answered, because the grand prize for the second Sedated Ape contest is 54 complete head lice removal kits! That’s right – you’ll be able to contract head lice every week for over a year with no worries! 

If you were to buy this many lice kits at a drugstore at $12.99 apiece you’d end up spending $701.46. But if you’re the lucky winner you’ll get them all for free! That’s a savings of over $701.45!

Each kit contains a bottle of shampoo that kills the lice and a can of some sort of foam. I’m not sure what the foam is for exactly, but I bet it’s purpose is somehow lice related! And once the lice are dead, the memories will remain because you’ll also be getting 54 tiny little plastic combs!

These lice kits would make the perfect stocking stuffers for every member of the family that’s covered in lice!

The good – Apparently I made a friend in Poland despite the fact that I can’t speak the language  and have never been anywhere near the place.

The bad – My new friend is kind of a bitch.

I’m not sure this friendship is going to work out.   It’s gotten off to a rocky start, that’s for sure.  What kind of a friend would insult you before they even introduce themselves?

And how did she know I’m an idiot?  I guess she must have seen my name listed  in some sort of idiot database.   I’d like to get a hold of that list – it’s caused me a lot of trouble over the years.

You wouldn’t think that a Pollack would be that uppity about her   IQ.