The Sedated Ape

I don’t watch much television anymore, but one show I do like a lot is “Flight of the Conchords”.   It’s sorta like a cross between Spinal Tap and Seinfeld.

It’s pretty funny, but mostly I like it because I think that Kristen Schaal, the actress who plays Mel on the show,  is very pretty. 

The character she plays is an obsessed fan who stalks the two guys in the band . That’s the problem.

If I started stalking her  everyone would just assume I’m doing it to be ironic,  and that I’m  just doing it as an elaborate bad joke.  Sincere stalking and obsessive.  bizarre attempts  at  courtship would just be dismissed  as dedication to the bit.

Her role on that show has made her, for all practical purposes, un-stalkable.

Get rid of the around the clock guards at the tomb of the unknown solider. The poor guy is already dead. What more trouble could he get into? He’ll be fine on his own.

You know how whenever they have a flood or some other disaster and they state needs government money they send the president or vice-president over in a helicopter to look at the flood before he signs whatever he needs to sign for them to get the money. My idea: have the president stay home, save a trip. You think a whole state is going to fake a natural disaster just to get some federal relief money? They show pictures of the flood on CNN. Leave the helicopter on the ground and go watch television

Reenact the stamp act.

Our children are the nations most valuable recourse, so lets see how much we can get for them on EBay.

Sell advertising on the back of every flag.

Ask the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation to pick up the tab for 2009.

Get rid of military marching bands. They made sense during the cold war because the Russians were doing it too. Back then it t would’ve made the country look weak if we fell behind in the “tuba race”. But today’s modern terrorist isn’t intimidated by the decadent marches of John Phillip Sousa.  In times of war it’s supposed to be “guns or butter’. Not “guns, butter or flute music”

Legalize arson if it’s done for medicinal reasons.

Everything we ever needed to know we learned in kindergarten, so eliminate grades 1 thru 12.

Increase the cost of a first class stamp to $12,432 dollars..

If collection agencies start calling the white house tell them that the president isn’t at home and we don’t know when he’ll be back.  If they’re  persistent remind them that we do still a pretty big army with lots of tanks.

Stop giving congress and former presidents their own special libraries. Make them use the public one like everyone else.

See if there is anymore of that government cheese left.

State run cockfights.

Is there any reason why the guys in the coast guard can’t guard the coast while also being pirates during their non peak  hours?

Increase funding for alchemy research.

Stop going to those payday loan places, they’re a rip off.

Find out if we’re still on the gold standard or not. Then either get off it, or get back on. it – depending.

Eliminate one primary color and two secondary colors.

Stop buying beaver pelts from the Indians. Instead concentrate on how to get the most out of the beaver pelts we already have.

Obama raised 750 million for his presidential campaign. Surely he could get people to donate now that he’s already in office. It’s a safer bet now.

Look into selling some of our old nuclear weapons that we aren’t using to Iran and North Korea, since they seem to want them so bad. To be safe make them promise not to use them unless they have a really good reason – like self-defense or Jews.

Pass the hat around Bedford Falls. Those guys are always willing to pitch in financially when someone gets in trouble.

Stop calling people who dislike something “haters”. I guess this won’t save any money, but stop it anyway. It sounds retarded.

We gave $350,000,000 in tsunami relief back in 2004 . Ask for it back now.

Admit that Blagovitch’s idea for selling off congressional seats, while illegal and immoral, is not without it’s merits and is something we should look into.

Limit the “red phone” to off peak hours.

Sell off surplus states. I know what you’re thinking (which is a little spooky if you think about it). You’re thinking Sure, that’s a great idea, but other countries are having economic trouble too. How will we get them to buy our unwanted states?”. Marketing, that’s how! For example we could point out to Mexico that if they bought New Mexico they wouldn’t even need to order new letterhead. And we could pitch our state Georgia to the European country Georgia as ‘Georgia: North American Annex”.

Encourage Americans not to fill up on bread at all you can eat restaurants.

Stop having those blue angels jets fly over baseball games. Since 2005 all the major league teams but one are in the US. So unless you’re planning on bombing Toronto Blue Jay’s home games, there’s not point to the fly-overs. And I don’t think the Blue Jays pose a real threat to our national security.. Not with their starting pitching.

Instead of providing poor people who have been charged with a crime with a free attorney just give them a Perry Mason DVD and tell them to study the show for pointers they could use in their own case.