The Sedated Ape

You know who pisses me off? Terminally ill children.  (I bet that wasn’t the answer you were expecting, was it? That’s what they called in eighth grade speech class an “attention getter”).

Actually, not ALL terminally ill children piss me off. Just the ones who get a final wish granted from groups like “The Make A Wish Foundation”.

It’s almost like the last words of the condemned death row inmates I wrote about here a while ago… These  kids get one last chance to get whatever they want,  and they all come up with the lamest most unoriginal wishes you could imagine. Disneyland, sitting on the bench at basketball game, going horseback riding … dumb half-wit requests like that.

If they would just  put some effort into thinking about their wish  surely they could think up something better than that kinda stuff. (Unless their terminal illness is brain related. Those kids get a pass on not being able to come up with better ideas)

It’s like the Monty Python sang says: “Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true. You’ll see it’s all a show Keep ‘em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on .you” It’s the last chance you’re  going to get, so make the best of it. See what you can get away with!

So, if you’re a terminally ill child  (or just hope to be one someday) I made a list of tips and suggestions for better final wishes -

The first thing you should ask for is to be cured. 99% of the time it won’t work. You have to ask anyway, because if you find out later that you could have had the operation if you just asked for it instead of wanting to have Sponge Bob show up at your birthday party you’ll feel like a real asshole.

Don’t bother wishing for more wishes. Their lawyers have closed up that loophole years ago.

Wish suggestions:

Ask for a lap dance from the weather girl on channel 9. Who knows, she might do it if that’s what a dying kid wants most. And if she doesn’t, at least you’ll have made a local celebrity feel guilty for the rest of her life. That’s pretty cool.

Ask to give Andy Rooney an old fashioned barber shop shave.

Request special permission to go back to the salad bar without using a clean plate.

Ask Scott Baio to adopt you for your final few months.

Ask to be buried in a batman mask. The cheap kind that’s held on with a rubber band.

Ask to be the guy who gets to put the dogs to sleep down at the pound for a day.

Ask them to promise that no Mexican, Jew or queer will ever be allowed to buried within 500 yards of your grave. If you happen to be Mexican or Jewish it makes the request that much better.

Ask Babe Ruth to hit a home run for you. When they tell you that he died in 1948 start sobbing uncontrollably.

Ask for breast implants. Even if you’re male – actually it’s even a better request that way.

Ask to be allowed to perform the Nation Anthem at a ballgame using a musical instrument you don’t know how to play.

Ask for a carton of unfiltered Camels and a fifth of cinnamon schnapps

Ask to perform your “one man show” in some big theater in town. Have the “show” consist of nothing but you coughing and gasping for air alone on stage for 45 minutes. Then, come out for the encore and cough for another ten minutes.

I’m proud to say that I’m a self-made man.  Well, at least partially. I made my own spleen and most of my small intestines myself. I used a lot of PVC pipe for that.

If someone is having a heart attack and you don’t know CPR, try using CCR instead. It won’t help much, but they have some great songs and it might cheer everyone up.

I’m against animal testing. Especially when their scores are better than mine.

Another way the government could save money: Stop spending millions of dollars on robot probes and space launches just to learn about Mars. Instead just try looking “Mars” up on wikipedia.

I don’t believe James Brown.  If he really did feel that good why did he yell out in pain in almost every song he ever sang?

Cock fighting – illegal. Cutting off a chicken’s  head, throwing the remains into hot grease and eating it’s flesh – perfectly legal. That seem inconsistant to me

Alzheimer’s means never knowing why you’re saying your sorry.

I’d make a good superhero. I may be only one man, but I have the strength of one man plus a second, additional, very weak man.

Idea for new TV show – It’s a singing contest like American Idol, but in my show when they’re singing someone will be repeatedly punching them right in the goddamn nuts. Each week we’d get a new celebrity guest to do the punching.

Never give out your social security number to anyone – con men can use that information to steal your identify and rob you blind , so never give it out to anyone no matter what. Of course this makes it a lot harder to ever get your checks after you retire, but no plan is perfect.

When I was in the first grade our teacher told us that reading books could take us to magical places where we would have amazing adventures.  After that I  was quite an avid reader until I realized that she wasn’t being literal.

They say a journey of a thousand miles begging with a single step. So be careful where you step or you could end up a long way from all your stuff.

I would’ve liked to lived in the late 60’s and been a hippie. It sucks that I missed the one time in history when poor hygiene was considered fashionable.

Republicans should try looking on the bright side more often. Last year at least eight Democrats ran for president and all but one lost badly.

Prediction: In the future people will have cell phones permanently installed directly into their ear. Unfortunately the first of these in-ear phones will weigh 87 lbs pinning all but the strongest to the floor

If you’re Chinese and you have a stuttering problem, no one will ever notice it.

Drinking alone is one of the signs you may have a drinking problem. Or a hygiene problem.

I found out that lot of those online dating web sites are just covers for child prostitution rings. I was trying to sign up for one and the fourth question in their little questionnaire was “Do you want children?”. No thank you! I’m only interested in dating grown women. I’m no pervert. I have half a mind to report them to Dateline NBC

We learn form out mistakes. For example when robbing that bank the note shouldn’t have said: “I have a gun. Give me all the money in the bank except for the money in account number 25261543185. Leave that money alone. I don’t want to have to make two trips, besides there may be some checks out on that account that haven’t cleared yet”   In retrospect I think a note like that just made the police suspicious of me. When you’re robbing a bank it’s best to leave short notes without a lot of details.

In a lot of ways I feel like I was born too late. I was already seven years old when it happened.

Americans eat enough McDonald’s hamburgers every week to fill the grand canyon. It’s pointless speculation though. The guys at the grand canyon have rules against doing stuff like that.

I’ve been working to genetically engineer a new more powerful type of mistletoe that will made fornication mandatory whenever two people stand under it.

I’ve never been one of those egghead types who spends their lives in  ivy towers. I don’t even know ivy can support all their weight. You’d think a building made out of ivy would just fall over. I’m surprised the building codes allow it;

That guy who cut off a guys head on a greyhound bus and ate part of it said he did it because god told him to do it . That’s not really a very good excuse – granted. But if you think about it it’s probably still is the best possible excuse you could come up with for something like that.

- Many archeologists and historians now feel that the Great Pyramids were a big waste of time.

- Others claim that the pyramids were originally built to attract tourists to the nearby casino.

- Although they aren’t nearly as famous as the pyramids in Egypt, the Mayan pyramids in Mexico were  the only ones to feature a waterslide.

I like most animals. Some I’d prefer that they keep their distance from me, but in general I like them.

It’s a shame a lot of animals are extinct, but to be honest,  I don’t really miss them very much.  It’s nothing personal. But I’ve never been sitting around on the weekend and thought – “You know what would be great? If there was a dodo bird here right now! That would fuckin’ rock!”.   If one did show up here, that would be okay.  He could hang out if he wanted to.  I’d even give him some bread, if they eat bread.   But I don’t really miss any extinct animals.  I don’t feel like my life would be noticeably improved if there were still some woolly mammoths around.

Endangered species are pretty depressing. I think part of the reason why (besides all the dead animals), is how we refer to them. Calling them “Endangered Species” just seems pessimistic. We’d probably all feel better about them if we called them “Special Limited Edition Rare Collectible Animals”.

It works with the coins they are always are trying to sell on the Home Shopping Channel, I bet it would work on a white rhino too.

- Back in high school there was a girl who had a third row of teeth above what for most people would’ve been their top row. You could just catch a glimpse of them when she spoke. It was creepy as hell, and you just couldn’t stop staring. She was also a very big girl who always had a very slight, but noticeable, diarrhea smell. I remember her name but I’m not going to mention it here. I don’t want her to do a Google search of her name and find out that someone is still talking bout it all these years later. But the truth is that I doubt a week as gone by since I saw those freaky teeth that I don’t think about it.  I hope she doesn’t do a Google search for the terms “very big girl”, “Third row of teeth’ and “Diarrhea smell”.  If she does, I’m pretty sure she would guess that any page that matched on all those would have to be talking about her.  How many other people out there could there  be who could match on all those criteria?

- I used to have a boss who had one leg shorter than the other – or one leg that was longer than the other.  Depending on how you look at it, I guess.  It wasn’t a big deal for him – he just had one shoe with a sole that was about thee inches thicker than the other one. Once you noticed it, however, you just keep staring at his one weird shoe. I wonder if you’d ever get used to walking around barefoot with one leg shorter than the other one. Or if he has to always put on his shoes before he shaves. If he doesn’t, it must be hard for him to get his side burns even. I never asked him, though. Didn’t seem like a good idea. I’ve noticed that authority figures don’t generally enjoy talking about their deformities with their underlings.

- I used to be friends with a guy in high school who was born with an extra thumb. I’ve lost track of him over the years, but last I heard he was working in some sort of legal office. I’ve often felt that it was a shame that he never used his birth defect to revolutionize the field of movie reviewing.

- I used to work with a guy who had a calcium deposit growing out from each temple, like he was growing horns or antlers . This was around 1994. They were small then, but they WERE growing larger all the time. When I started working there the lumps were about the size of A normal M&M, but buy the time I quit a year and a half later they were the size of An almond M&M’s He’s one of the very few people from my past that I’d really like to see again.   Not to talk to – just to look at.