The Sedated Ape

I’m not going to ever go back to college. At least not until the nightmares stop . But if I was going  back  I think this time I would go to a Bible college.

I’m not very religious. If there is a God, I think he owes us all a big apology for ignoring us all these centuries. (I feel the same way about Bigfoot, but that’s another story.)

The reason I’d want to go to Bible college is that as far as I can tell they’re the only college that expects you to read just one book.  It’s a pretty big book, granted, but it’s less than half the size of “The Norton Anthology Of British Literature”.

Plus for  about twenty books you can get the whole thing on CDs read by James Earl Jones! How many other types of schools are there out there where you can get your textbook read to you by Darth Vader?   Good luck getting him to read Canterbury Tales or some crap like that to you. ( You can find an audio book version of  Canterbury Tales read to you by Chewbacca, but it’s done in Old English and that makes it a lot harder to understand. Old English sounds more like growls, whimpers and roars than actual speech to me.)

Besides that, the school would be pretty easy.  Nine times out of ten the answer to any question  is going to be “Jesus” . As long as you can remember his  name you’re a cinch for the honor roll.

It’s probably harder to get laid at Bible College parties  but I didn’t have much luck with that in any of the normal colleges either .  So, on balance, that’s a small price to pay.

In cartoons the voices of young boys are almost always done by grown women.  For little girl’s voices they always use Barney Miller co-star Abe Vigoda.

I’m more famouser even than Captain Kangaroo. 

At least my left leg is.  I went to the Royals games on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Here  is a screen capture from Monday’s game against the Indians:

In the upper left corner of the picture  is my left leg.   I sat in the same seat all three games.  So  every time they showed the batter on television, I was on television too! 

That must work about to about two hours of on-air time per game.  And not just in Kansas City, either.  My leg was watched by millions of people in the  New York and Cleveland area  too. Plus it was on the  game recaps on ESPN and  on all the local news coverage on all the stations all over the country.  Japan too  - Hideki Matsui plays for the Yankees and there are always a lot of Japanese press here when he plays. They love keeping up with Japanese players who are in the majors over there, so millions of Asians were seeing my leg too.

So, my leg got hours of tv time that millions of people watched all over the world. H0w many actors of musicians ever get that much free press on TV over a weekend?  Were there  many people looking at Brittney Spears or Frankie Valli’s left foot this weekend? (Or whoever is popular with the kids these days – I don’t keep up with stuff like that). …I don’t have anyway of knowing for sure, but I doubt it!

Since my leg is so famous the smart thing for me to do is to  find a way to cash in on my new found fame.  As soon as I find an agent who is willing to accept a leg for a client  I’m going to start renting out appearances of my leg for parties, wedding, funerals, fundraisers and stuff like that. I’m not going to actually get out of the car, but if they pay for the appearance I’ll drive to the event and stick my leg out the window. That way people could come over and get their picture taken with my leg.  They can even try on my shoe if it doesn’t make the line move too slowly. 

 If they’re polite I’ll even tell them how I got the scar above my ankle.  I’ll give this out as a freebie to my readers here: A forklift ran into me a long time ago.  But don’t go spreading that info around.  If EVERYONE knows the story it might hurt my  earning potential. So, keep it to yourself.

I bet I can get pretty rich from selling autographed shoe prints on EBay.

Maybe  I can even get a left shoe endorsement deal from some sneaker company.  The shoe I was wearing in the picture is a  size 10 and 1/2 New Balance sneaker.  But since you can’t really tell that fr0m seeing me on TV, I’ll  just lie and say I was wearing a shoe from whichever shoe company makes the highest offer.  I guess in a way that’s selling out my integrity for some easy cash, but I’ve thought about it a lot and I’m okay with that.  It’s a fair trade ,and it’s not like I was using my integrity for anything anyway. I’m not sure I even know why it is these days. I may have lost it when I moved.

Other baseball stuff:

There was a woman sitting right behind me who made the most generic cheers I’ve ever heard. Whenever a batter came to the plate she yelled: “DON’T MAKE A MISTAKE!!! She did that every at bat for the entire game.

Baseball predictions :

- Prince Fielder will lose a foot to diabetes.

- By the first two months of the season Manny Ramirez will demand to be traded to the Blue Man Group.

- A player will say that they have to take it one game at a time.

- Due to  ongoing poor attendance the Pirates will be forced into bankruptcy and the team will disband. By 2012 someone will notice.

- Ichiro Suzuki will plunge himself onto his own sword at home plate after misunderstanding a suicide squeeze signal

- 2009- 2011 – Steven Hawking throws out the first ball at a Red vs. Dodgers game

- Only eight years after breaking the Curse of the Bambino,  the Red Sox will find themselves forced to deal with the curse of King Tutankhamen

The Tampa Bay Rays will have to forfeit last season’s AL championship when it’s discovered that they actually play in St. Petersburg

Sometimes you just can’t wait until the next half inning to use the toilet.

Trivia – Most people only know a little bit of Lou Gehrig’s farewell speech.  They just assume that his speech ended with “I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth”.  It’s doesn’t though – here’s the whole ending:  ”Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.  Not counting people who aren’t dying a slow, painful crippling death from a disease that has no cure, of course. Those guys are obviously much, much luckier than I am”.

Other baseball stuff I’ve written about here over the years:

Baseball stuff ‘08

Tied for first for another 18 hours or so

Freak week

minor grudge

Self Loathing Chicken

The Jan Brady Baseball Hall of Fame

The Jan Brady Baseball Hall of Fame – part 2

The Jan Brady Baseball Hall of Fame – part 3

I’m pretty sure that’s three ways.

Here’s something I didn’t expect when I started this blog a couple of years ago – A guy on TV beats up a whore for biting his tongue and I get twelve e-mails about it in just over eight hours.

Almost a year ago I wrote this thing about Shamwow towels - here.   It sorta went viral, and I get almost 100 hits a day from people looking up “Shamwow” on Google.

Anyway, if you haven’t heard,  Vince from Shamwow fame got arrested for beating up a whore that bit his tongue and wouldn’t let go.

I know Vince reads this webpage, or he used to anyway.  If you’re reading this Vince, please  take some  some advice from a disillusioned fan.   And please excuse any typos in this post.  I’m typing it with tears in my eyes.

The world looked to you for consumer advice, and you let us down.  How are we supposed to take your word for it that the Shamwow and that new vegetable chopper thing you’re  pitching is a good buy when you paid $1,000 dollars to bang a woman who looked like this:

She probably didn’t look quite this bad before you hit her, granted. Still – for one thousand dollars you would think you’d be able to find a whore with a chin. Especially in this recession. This is just inexcusable – you were a bad consumer Vince.  It will take a long time before you can be trusted again.

Frankly, I have no way of knowing if the Shamwow is a good deal or not anymore.

This is just like finding out about Jerry Fallwell and the whores. Or Jim Baker and the whores. Or Pat Robertson and the whores. Or Oral Roberts and the whores.  Or Mother Theresa and the whores.  Now you.  It seems like everyone that we turn to for guidance always ends up letting us down.

Say it ain’t so Vince.

Besides, you’re one of the great pitchmen of all time!   You could talk anyone into anything!   So why didn’t you try to talk her into letting your tongue go.  Maybe you could have said something like: “mmphhh let awwwwmfph myyy tongue go.. gowd no…and owww  stopp.. mmphh  n I’ll thow in second owwwgh shamowwww towell fir uh free…owwwch mmpp pleese mghh.. god stoppp”

The only silver lining to this is that you didn’t really look that bad in your mug shot -

You look different – a  little bit like a turtle. But it’s  not really worse. Just different.