Here’s something I didn’t expect when I started this blog a couple of years ago – A guy on TV beats up a whore for biting his tongue and I get twelve e-mails about it in just over eight hours.
Almost a year ago I wrote this thing about Shamwow towels - here. It sorta went viral, and I get almost 100 hits a day from people looking up “Shamwow” on Google.
Anyway, if you haven’t heard, Vince from Shamwow fame got arrested for beating up a whore that bit his tongue and wouldn’t let go.
I know Vince reads this webpage, or he used to anyway. If you’re reading this Vince, please take some some advice from a disillusioned fan. And please excuse any typos in this post. I’m typing it with tears in my eyes.
The world looked to you for consumer advice, and you let us down. How are we supposed to take your word for it that the Shamwow and that new vegetable chopper thing you’re pitching is a good buy when you paid $1,000 dollars to bang a woman who looked like this:
She probably didn’t look quite this bad before you hit her, granted. Still – for one thousand dollars you would think you’d be able to find a whore with a chin. Especially in this recession. This is just inexcusable – you were a bad consumer Vince. It will take a long time before you can be trusted again.
Frankly, I have no way of knowing if the Shamwow is a good deal or not anymore.
This is just like finding out about Jerry Fallwell and the whores. Or Jim Baker and the whores. Or Pat Robertson and the whores. Or Oral Roberts and the whores. Or Mother Theresa and the whores. Now you. It seems like everyone that we turn to for guidance always ends up letting us down.
Say it ain’t so Vince.
Besides, you’re one of the great pitchmen of all time! You could talk anyone into anything! So why didn’t you try to talk her into letting your tongue go. Maybe you could have said something like: “mmphhh let awwwwmfph myyy tongue go.. gowd no…and owww stopp.. mmphh n I’ll thow in second owwwgh shamowwww towell fir uh free…owwwch mmpp pleese mghh.. god stoppp”
The only silver lining to this is that you didn’t really look that bad in your mug shot -
You look different – a little bit like a turtle. But it’s not really worse. Just different.