The Royals’ first ever pre-game leap-frog tournament ends in a draw after much confusion about the rules of the game.
Archive for May, 2009
Stalemate
May 21, 2009Made possible by people very much like me.
May 21, 2009I’m working on a ken Burns style PBS documentary called “The History of the Kamikaze Pilots”.
At first I planned on interviewing a lot of old kamikaze pilots to get their memories about the war. After a few hours in the library, I discovered a flaw in that plan. So to stretch out the documentary I’ll just add a lot of clips of Wynton Marsalis talking about how great Louis Armstrong was and hope no one notices that it’s pretty far off topic.
Part one – The Kamikaze Calvary. They didn’t manage to damage the forts very much, but it was pretty rough on the horses
Part Two – The Kamikaze Dirigible Fleet. The blimps would glide slowly towards their target before bouncing harmlessly off. The fleet was made obsolete by President Wilson’s “Huge Badminton Racquet” defense system.
Part Three- The tragic history of the Yokohama Kamikaze Pilot Training Academy.
Part Four- They wore helmets so they wouldn’t knock themselves out during air turbulence and crash before their intended target. Is that really so hard to figure out that you just had to include it on a list of “unanswerable questions” and forward it all over the damn internet, you silly twit?
Part Five – The tragic story of Ensign Akira Nakano, who due to pilot error landed his plane safely on the deck of the USS Columbia.
Short Stuff 33
May 13, 2009Before Chinamen discovered chopsticks they ate using stones. They would take the stones and slam them into a pile of rice then lick off all the rice that stuck to the rock. This is why it’s so hard to find examples of unbroken Chinese plates from this era.
I was never a star athlete when I was a kid, but I’ll never forget the day I pitched a no hitter against “St. Mary’s School For The Blind”. It wasn’t a perfect game because there were two intentional walks and six intentional hit batsmen. In retrospect, I wonder if the other team actually knew there was a game going on, or even that they were part of a baseball team. If they didn’t , that would explain the picnic baskets in left field
I’m no coward. In fact I laugh in the face of danger. Assuming that it’s clear that the danger is directed at someone else and not me. I suppose I laugh the hardest when clowns are in danger.
After the Kennedy-Nixon debate Nixon fired his campaign manager who suggested that he go for the sweaty, unshaven shifty look.
When I first heard about people wanting to legalize cannabis I thought it was a horrible idea. Something like that could tear society apart. Later, I had to rethink my stance on the issue when I figured out that the word “cannabis” isn’t the plural form of the word “cannibal”. That makes sense – I never quite understood why people thought that it would help cancer patients if there were a lot of cannibals around them. Those poor people have enough trouble as it is without having to deal with cannibals too.
I went to a AA baseball game. It was sad. You could tell that a lot of the guys were sneaking hits from their flask in between innings.
Back when people used to make sacrifices to God I wonder why they seemed to think God would want a bunch of dead animals. Sacrificing virgins to God, I understand. But I’ve found that large dead animals make poor gifts.
I suppose we all have regrets from time to time. I’m sure that one day I’ll be lying on my deathbed wishing that I had just spent the extra money to get some other, better kind of bed.
I want to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells. Then someday I’ll be the most bad ass zombie ever.
I wish they taught abstinence back when I was in school. I was really good at not getting laid back then. In fact, I bet I’d do so well on that subject that I would screw up the grading curve for the rest of the class.
Tip for solving math word problems – Just ask someone who works at the train station when the trains will arrive. It’s their job to know stuff like that.
Almost 20% of high school students drop out every year. You’d think that they would just stop re-enrolling after the third or fourth time .
My Dad loves practical jokes. The other day he asked me if I wanted to go fly fishing with him. Nice try, Dad! I’m not the smartest guy in the world. But even I know that flies are insects, not fish.
I tried to climb Mt Everest. Most climbers use oxygen for the climb since the air is thinner up there. I tried to make the climb without oxygen. It didn’t work. I ended up only making it about fifteen feet about sea level. I guess I just can’t hold my breath that long
Consumer advice: They cost a little more, but go ahead and spend the extra cash and get Famous Amos brand cookies. The generic knock-off “Famous Anus Cookies” aren’t nearly as tasty
I believe you can learn a lot from spending time around small children, assuming you don’t already know what a cow says or what the damn wheels on the damn bus do.
I like my drinks like I like my women: Full of knock-out pills.
When I was a little kid they thought I had Tourette’s syndrome. They sent me to a specialist, but it turned out I was just a foul mouthed little asshole.
I’m an animal lover – I think dog fighting is evil and cruel. I do, however, admit that I think the idea of “Dog Professional Wrestling” has a lot of potential.
Two years ago I got a job working at auctions translating the auctioneer to sign language for deaf people. Both my arms were in splints for three weeks after that.
I’m working on a novel that looks back at how things would be different if no one ever came up with the idea of historical fiction.
Two Camping Tips Regarding Bears
May 13, 2009If you’re being chased be a bear, playing dead = good idea. If your being chased by a gang of necrophilics playing dead = bad idea. If you’re being chased by necrophilic bears, use your own judgment. I don’t know what to tell you.
Tying your food a a high tree branch will keep bears out of it. It also helps keep out midgets, small children and many cripples. But remember – to a bear you ARE food! So, it’s a good idea to spend your entire vacation tied up in a tree.
WARNING: Don’t tie yourself to the tree by your throat. That’s called hanging. And the bears will just consider you a piñata – that’s not a very dignified way to die, is it?
all creatures great and small
May 13, 2009I wish more health insurance policies would cover more non-traditional forms of treatments like chiropractors, acupuncturists and veterinarians.
I’ve been using a veterinarian as my primary care physician for about four years now.
My first two office visits were just mistakes. I guess I didn’t read the sign outside close enough. I’m a busy guy. I don’t have time to go around reading every sign I see. Maybe if there was an audio book version – like if there were speakers built in to the sign that told you what the sign was for. I guess that might be distracting though.
I did eventually find out he was a vet. Most human doctors ( I mean doctors FOR humans, not doctors who ARE humans) don’t have that many copies of “Cat Fancy” in their waiting rooms. That’s what made me suspicious.
He admitted that he was a vet, but we came to the conclusion that if I didn’t mind being treated by an animal doctor, he didn’t mind either. Innards are Innards, after all.
And are humans really that much different than animals? Well, some animals are , of course. Like a finch or an iguana. I wouldn’t trust my medical care to some veterinarian who only studied finches and iguanas in vet school… no matter how much cheap he is, or how close his office is to my house.
But a lot of animals are pretty close to humans. I didn’t know this, but according to my vet there is no anatomical difference at all between a person and an unusually large dog or an unusually small cow. I’ve just now looked that up online, and apparently there is some disagreement about this in the medical community. So maybe he was wrong.. How should I know? I’m no doctor and technically he isn’t either. But if he is wrong about that, how do you explain that since I’ve started seeing him I’ve had no trouble at all with any of my four stomachs?
And there are a lot of benefits to seeing a vet instead of a real doctor.
- It’s a lot cheaper. Say you were really fat and went to a doctor for help. Lap band surgery costs like $10,000. A big plastic cone that you wear around you head works just as well at limiting your food intake, and it only costs eight bucks.
- If your treatment costs more than a couple hundred dollars he always reminds you that if you can’t afford it he could just go ahead and put you to sleep. I don’t think I’ll ever choose to be euthanized by a veterinarian, but I appreciate the option. You don’t get that from any other doctor, except in Michigan maybe.
- If he needs you to take a pill he’ll wrap it up in a piece of bologna. I’m usually so excited about getting that bologna that I gulp the whole thing down without ever noticing the pill inside.
- The whole atmosphere at his office is a lot more relaxed than at normal doctor’s offices. If you accidentally take a crap in the waiting room of a human doctor everyone acts like it’s the end of the world. Maybe you can get away with it if you’re seeing the doctor for some bowel disorder, but if you crap in an ophthalmologist’s office you’ll get banned from the building. At the vet they take accidents like that in stride. The receptionist even keeps a bottle of disinfectant on her desk for that very reason.
- Two words: Horse tranquilizers
-The vet’s wife runs a grooming business out of the same building, so I can see the doctor and get a haircut at the same place. That saves a bunch of time. You get a full body shampoo. That ain’t half bad if you know what I mean. Plus she doesn’t mind taking care of all the hair on my shoulders and back, which is a lot more than I can say for the girls at “Snip N’ Clip”. Even if you’re a good tipper they want no part of it. I do feel a little silly about wearing the blue ribbon she ties around my neck after every grooming session, but I take that off as soon as I get to the car.
Thing to stop saying
May 2, 2009Stop referring to the recession as “these uncertain economic times”.
It’s as certain as it ever was. Your bank still sends you your statement every month right? And if you get uncertain about your financial status between statements you can always check and see how you’re doing at any ATM.
The times aren’t “uncertain” , they’re just bad.
In fact, the worse things get the more certain of it you become. If you have -240$ in the bank they will make SURE you’re certain about your economic status . You get something in the mail from them everyday. And, in case you miss that, they call you all the time to tell you about it – even if you tell them you aren’t there right now, moved away, never lived there, don’t understand any of the major human languages, passed away and besides all that you never actually existed in the first place.
I’ts pretty easy to know where you stand in these economic times.
How Royals manager Trey Hillman decides who to bring in from the bullpen
May 2, 2009Here
I posted this on my photography blog, but I’m putting it here too – just in case some of you don’t follow it.
And if you don’t, why the hell not? Lousy ingrates.
odd ads
May 2, 2009Strange ads I’ve found -
The Royals AAA farm team is running out of promotional ideas:
Next Saturday is “Caspar Weinberger Replica Jersey Night”
I think I might feel guilty about walking on sentient carpet.
It’s amazing what those smart phones can do these days. I guess they just shove it in through your ear somehow.
Not a problem! I’m not the most sensitive guy in the world, but my feeling would be hurt if someone gave me a colon cleansing product as a gift. And frankly I don’t know or care how neat and tidy my colon is or isn’t. It’s not like I’m going to have visitors down there. I have a rule about that. I don’t even know what a colon cleansing product is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know.
I haven’t gone to the web-page. I have a rule about that too: I never go to any web-page that has the word “Colon” in the URL.
