Archive for June, 2009
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June 30, 2009VERY slow news day
June 9, 2009
If you laughed at this it probably means you’re going to Hell. Sorry.
UPDATE- This page has sorta went semi-viral. It’s gotten a ton of hits. This is nice, but the thing is wordpess lets you see how many hits you got and what links people clicked on to get to this page. At least 80% of the pages that link here I can’t read because they are in GERMAN. I’m really not sure what to think about that. Is the fact that so many people in Germany really seem to enjoy jokes about Anne Franks remains something we should be worrying about?
Blog News
June 9, 2009I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to start accepting Pay-Pal.
Not as a form of payment. I just mean that I acknowledge it exists.
Homeless pick up lines
June 9, 2009These can be used if you’re homeless and want to pick up other homeless people. If you’re not homeless, but you want to start dating homeless people you really don’t need pick up lines. Just mention the word “groceries”.
- If I had a place, would you want to go back there?
- Can I beg for your dinner this Saturday?
- You pass out on this corner often?
-I’d love to see what you got going on under your first seven layers of clothing!
- My other cart is a Safeway.
- I know this quiet place we could go that has a much lighter urine stench
- I know we’ve only been screaming gibberish at each other for a few hours, but I feel like we’ve been yelling at each other our whole lives.
- You’re so fine I’d drink a tub of your bathwater… assuming that you take a bath someday.
- Wow, I’m an English major too!
- You don’t have to worry about anything, baby. I got a condom that’s only been used once.
- That tinfoil hat might keep the CIA spies OUT, but it’s turning me ON.
- Sprinkle your next angry rant about the Illuminate with remarks about her “Fine, fine piece of ass”.
Omaha
June 3, 2009On memorial day I drove up to Omaha to watch the Royals’ AAA farm team
I got to the stadium about an hour and a half early. The Stadium shares a parking lot with the zoo, so I decided to go look around the zoo while I was waiting for the game to start.
I learned something. Zoos are great places for guys to take their kids. It even makes for a decent date idea. But if you’re 35 years old, male and there alone it makes the other people at the zoo a little nervous. When people see a grown man walking around a zoo by himself they get a little suspicious and give you strange looks. Parents pull their kids closer to them, stuff like that.
I felt so awkward that I started hollering “Attention zoo patrons! Relax! I’m just a grown man who enjoys looking at monkeys! I mean you no harm!”
I always assumed that they fed them some sort of special diet.
Remember this guy – http://sedatedape.com/2007/04/03/a-guest/ ? Well, meet -
I like your pompadour Arrogant Sea Lion! It makes you look like Muddy Waters! -
The Rosenblat Stadium in Omaha has the worst baseball statue I’ve seen:
It’s just a vaugely humanoid shaped blob. And they actually welded a REAL allumium bat to his hand! (Or where is hand would be it he was sculpted better). That’s just lazy. If you’re going to do that you might as well just steal one of the manaquins at K-mart, paint it bronze and call it a statue.
Why don’t we do it in a cave?
June 3, 2009
Appearing’ Alive
June 3, 2009I had a really great little league coach. His advice improved my game a lot
I’ll never forget the time he yelled ‘Hey Tony, look alive out there!”
Up to that point I had been lying face down in the dirt surrounded by a pool of fake blood. My theory was that most people would be hesitant to step on a dead child just to reach base safely.
I followed his advice about looking alive. While it wasn’t perfect, it was an improvement. To make sure there was no doubt about the fact that I was still among the living I would play the entire game while I was hooked up to an EKG machine. Of course dragging the machine around with me cut down on my defensive range quite a bit. They’re a lot heaver than they look on TV.
And once I gave myself a pretty good scare by accidentally unplugging the extension cord without realizing it. So for a half inning I thought my heart had stopped beating. That was worrisome. I’m not a doctor, but that just didn’t seem right. But all things considered his advice was an improvement.
At least while I was looking alive I didn’t get nearly as many cleat marks on my back. Those hurt a lot.
