The Sedated Ape

I was in the store looking for Count Chocula, which apparently you can only get in season because they go months without stocking it at  the store,  and I have to switch to Chocolate Lucky Charms. They both taste the same, but I prefer Count Chocula because vampires are cooler than leprechauns. I’m a grown man – I feel silly buying Lucy Charms. Then after I get used to the Leprechaun’s cereal, Count Chocula returns to the shelf!

I’ve thought about picketing the store until they agree to keep Count Chocula stocked year round, and if i ever find a way to picket something while remaining in the air conditioning I’ll do it .

I don’t like the taste of Frankenberry, but I respect the effort, so sometimes I’ll buy a box anyway. I think it’s great that a reanimated corpse could quit living the life of a monster, settle down and get into the breakfast food business.  It sets a good example for the younger monsters. If Frankenstein can turn his life around and start making a positive contribution to society , they’ll see that they can too.

But that’s not what I wanted to tell you about.

While I was looking for the cereal a man  I had never seen before came up to me and asked me if I knew the phone number of the Arby’s in town. I was kinda stunned by the question, so I just said “no”.

This was three days ago and since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking about why he would possibly think that I would have Arby’s phone number memorized. Why would you ever need to call a fast food restaurant?  You don’t need a reservation at Arby’s. And it’s not like I’m so fat that people would think I might have every restaurant in town on speed dial.

 Also – you can actually see Arby’s sign from the grocery store’s parking lot.

For 500 dollars you can ask someone to marry you on the Jumbotron (On the screen I mean, not the actual Jumbotron. That would be dangerous) at a Royals game.  That seems like a bad idea to me.  But if you’re going to do it anyway they have some rules:

So much for having a back-up plan if she says no.  Thank you Mormons for spoiling it for everyone!

I was curious so I called and asked. Turns out they wont let someone ask for a divorce on the Jumbotron.

They had this guy on the Today Show that lost over 400lbs. He started at 600 plus. He looks like a normal person now.

He said “One day I realized that if I kept eating like I had been I’d end up dying young . So I called the local television station and they got me in touch with a personal trainer“.

He ended up losing 400lbs in two years. Good for him. That’s not the part I’m interested in.

If you were really fat and you decided one day that you wanted to lose weight, what would be the first place you would call? I made a list. My top three would be:

1)doctor

2)Weight Watchers

3) a gym.

Calling a TV station about being fat would be way down on my list right after “The Information Desk at the airport in Ottawa, Canada” and just before “the guy who played Balki on Perfect Strangers”.

But this guy woke up one morning and thought, “Holy Shit! I’m Fat! The media must be alerted at once!”

I would have loved to listen in on that first call. Exactly who would you ask to speak with at a TV station about being fat? It’s not like they have a reporter working the “fat guy beat”

The call must have been something like: “Hello. Is this CBS Action 4 news? Good. Listen – you don’t know me, but I’m fat and I thought you should know about it. Yes, I’ll hold…..”

A really fat guy isn’t exactly breaking news either . He was 600 lbs, so getting that fat must have been a project he had been working on for a long time. If I went to bed  weighing 220 pounds and, when woke up I was 400 pounds heavier THEN maybe I’d call the media about it. That would be a news story.

Advice for really fat people-

- If you’re 600 pounds don’t let people take you picture while you’re eating. It just won’t be a flattering picture. I know this might be tricky because if you’re that big you, like a shark, must need to be constantly eating. I understand that. But whenever someone takes out a camera you should really try to take the turkey drumstick out of your mouth.

-I know it must be hard to find shirts that fit a 600 lb person, but you need to wear one anyway. If you stubbornly refuse to do it, and least don’t let people take your picture then either.

I think the strangest one is that whenever anyone flips anybody off on television they blur out the middle finger.

Any other time you can show the entire hand, but if one finger is raised it’s too shocking for television.

Do they think kids don’t know what a finger looks like?

 You can make the nastiest jokes on tv you can imagine about anything – anal rape, jizz, child molestation, shit jokes. dick jokes, racist jokes – anything. South Park did an entire episode about a hamster crawling around in a mans ass. You can show people just wearing a thong, You can show people getting shot and raped.

 But they think that the middle finger would warp kids minds if they ever saw it on TV.

Very strange.

Sharpie and highlighter over a picture I took.

Some of the time the pictures I post have nothing to do with the rest of the post. This is one of those times. I just wanted to show you the lion.

Dear internet hipsters -

The word “fail’ is a verb, NOT a noun. Using it as a noun makes you seem retarded.

 And adding the word “epic” just makes things worse. Try looking up “epic” in the dictionary someday.  You may be surprised to learn that the word you’ve been using in every third sentence doesn’t mean what you think it does! Hint: there is really no way that a YouTube video of someone  falling off a bike could be considered an epic.

- tony

PS –  stay the hell off my lawn!

http://sedatedape.com/state-of-the-webpage-address/

A while back I wrote this – Coolest guy in the world about a man with a cool job and the coolest sounding name ever. There’s no way anyone could ever top a stunt man  named “Buzz Bundy”.

But I found the guy who’s second coolest.

He’s a pitcher, but not a very good one. He was with the Mets for a while, but they traded him to the White Sox.  He’s an AAA Buffalo Bison now.

So what makes a mediocre minor league pitching prospect the 2nd coolest guy in the world? 

His name!!!  His name is actually:

Names just don’t come much cooler than that!

1- Daylight

2- Clouds.

3 – Criminals can look in the sky too, so you’re really just giving them a warning to leave before Batman gets there.

4- Have to look outside every five minutes to see if the city needs you.

5- A light in the sky not really suited to a superhero whose headquarters is underground in a cave.

5- Swarms of insects surround police station.

6 – Nothing to stop teenagers from making a fake bat signal just so they can make batman come all the way downtown as a prank.

7 – Too easy to confuse with the searchlights from Gotham Mazda’s midnight madness sale.

8- Tips off paparazzi to Batman related photo-ops.

I just dreamed that I had cable ties growing out of my head like hair. It was about a 50/50 hair to cable tie ratio. I don’t have any joke about this, but my subconscious is really starting to annoy me.

They were white in the dream