The Sedated Ape

Advice for gamblers:  One of the most important skills a gambler must master is how do be successful when bluffing. But most seasoned poker players can read the “tells” and spot right away when a new player is trying to bluff.   So you need to learn the art of bluffing where there is a lower risk factor.   I suggest starting with the slot machines.   Just pantomime putting a quarter into the slot to see if you can trick the machine into making the reels spin.  It’s tricky and it takes a long time to master, but if you keep practicing in a matter of months you’ll be ready to start bluffing the five dollar slots.  Then it’s time to take your bluffing act to the video poker machines! And remember:  when playing pantomime slots, you’re getting the best odds in the house!

Advice for lonely men:  Do women find you repulsive?  Do you yearn for the female touch,  but are held back by your poor social skills and unfortunate appearance? Well there is one way to get attractive women to touch you and and the best part … it’s 100%  socially acceptable!  Pay to have your hair washed.  Search around for a barber or a stylist that has attractive women working there  and go in for a shampoo. They’ll have to touch you!  It’s their job!  And if the shampoo girl is  of average height your head will be at boob level! And no one will think you’re a pervert! The worst they’ll think is that you’re obsessive compulsive about scalp hygiene.  Even small towns have several barber shops, so you can get your hair washed several times a day without anyone catching on.  Take it from me – my hair is so clean it’s started  giving off it’s  own weird neon light.

Every so often I like to try little social experiments.   Like one time I had every other tooth whitened to see how long it would take before anyone noticed.  (Longer than you would think).

Anyway, in that spirit I made this ad because I wanted to see how many people would actually click on something like this. I put it on some cheapo web pages.  It cost me about ten bucks to see how many people would want to see this:

The answer: Thousands and thousands. Enough to fill a baseball stadium in just about a month.

There are a lot of sad parts to this, but part  of the sadness  is finding out that so many more people (about 15 times  more) want to see an ugly, fat, old woman have sex than would normally want to read my webpage.

That’s pretty insulting no matter how you look at it.

I decided to use that twitter thing even though the words “twitter” and “tweet”  are way too cutesy sounding.

I’m just going to re-post old stuff that’s short enough to fit.  Sorta like a “Best of Sedated Ape” thing – about ten at a time.  So if you’ve read everything I’ve posted here and have it all memorized you might not want to follow it. 

And i f you’ve read everything I’ve posted here and have it all memorized you might have some time management problems.

I’ll save the  huge backlog  (I write much more than I ever get around to typing and posting)  of new stuff for actual posts , not twitter.

Anyway – tell people to follow me.  The novelty of  twitter  will wear off pretty quick for me if  only four people are reading it.

oh ….The name is SEDATEDAPE, it’s written down there, but people asked

I don’t go to high school reunions.  I hated being in school  when I had to be there, I’m sure not going to go back now. That would be like if  every  five years I’d go back to the same poison oak patch I got into when I was a kid just to see if it’s any less unpleasant now than it was back  then.

I wasn’t much of a student. Out of everyone in my senior class I was chosen as  the student who had “most room for improvement”.  When I went to pick up my award they told me it was just a gag prize,  and it was meant to be more of an insult than an honor.  I was stubborn  though. I told them that if they don’t give me my award in the next thirty seconds someone was going to get their ass kicked. Finally they let me take  a trophy that the track team won a few years previous just to get me to leave .  So score one for me.

I was kind of an eccentric  loner back then.   People used to  joke  that one day they would see me on the news because I would end up in a clock tower picking off innocent bystanders with a high powered rifle.  It’s funny how badly the misjudged me. Those fancy high powered rifles costs hundreds of dollars!  There’s no way I could ever afford that! 

Anyway –  the only reason people go to those high school reunions  is so they can brag about how great their lives turned out.  I don’t have anything really impressive to brag about.  I made a list of stuff :

-I haven’t knocked any one up yet

-Even though I’m only  35 years old  and never asked for it,  for some reason I get the free AARP magazine in the mail  every month.

-I no longer wear acid wash jeans.

-I never got drunk and joined  the army

-I now accept that Huey Lewis was mediocre at best.

-Public television is made possible by people like me. (But not me specifically)

-I passed my drivers test.

- Demento society membership

- I don’t smell much worse now than I did back then .

-I almost never get an erection in public anymore.

 - I’m not bald

-I’m no longer afraid of Claymation.

- I finally  figured out how to see the hidden  images  in those “magic-eye” posters.

That just doesn’t seem impressive enough to me.