The Sedated Ape

They say that crime doesn’t pay, but I don’t think they’re doing it right. Some crime doesn’t pay,  granted – like loitering or exposing yourself . There’s just no money in it.   But I still think that a lot of crime does pay. Usually the crimes that do pay fall into the general “theft” category.

I still think kidnapping could pay, but I’ve been doing it wrong. Kidnapping homeless people is just more trouble that it’s worth for several reasons.

After you kidnap someone you need to be able to contact someone that you think might be able to raise the ransom. The odds are good that a homeless guys friends will mostly just be other homeless people who have no fixed address. So you end up spending days wandering around shelters and train yards looking for someone named “Crackhead Eddie” hoping  that Eddie is sober enough to remember he was ever friends with the guy you kidnapped.

Even when you collect a ransom it’s not going to be anything great. The best you can hope for is a old smelly stocking cap or a couple of garbage bags full of aluminum cans. One time a got a can of food as a ransom. The label was missing so no one was sure what was inside. It turned out to be pumpkin pie filling.

The biggest problem with kidnapping homeless people is that wherever you hide them it’s almost always going to be a step up from where they were staying before . So, even after the ransom was paid,  a lot of the time you can’t get them to ever leave. So you end up with a homeless guy living in your tool shed. You just have to wait until someone else tries to kidnap him again. I thought about listing him on Craigslist, but they said that would be considered human  trafficking which isn’t allowed under the new Terms of Service rules.

Kidnapping bums is the worst idea I’ve had since I tried to blackmail the neighbor’s dog.

(my 15 minutes of fame)

            Pepsi-cola burned him up

            So now he’s drinking 7-up

              Take us out

               To Pizza Hut

Thing one – Creed Bratton, the weird creepy old guy on The Office – his real name is Creed Bratton. Well, sorta. First – he was William Charles Schneider. His mother remarried and he changed his name to Chuck Ertmoed. That’s pretty awful – even if you pronounced the last name like you were French having “Chuck” in front of it would make you sound a doofus. So understandably, that didn’t last too long. Then he changed his name to Creed Bratton – decades before he got the role in The Office. I wonder if anyone one else was up for the role of “Creed Bratton”?

Anyway – that’s not the part that pisses me off. He used to play guitar for “The Grass Roots”… “Let’s Live For Today!” “Midnight Confession!” Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me about this before now! The show’s been on for six seasons! I enjoy knowing shit like this! For example – Professional wrestling manager Jimmy Hart used to be in the Gentrys – he sang lead on “Keep on Dancin’.

But I was totally out of the loop on the Creed Bratton trivia. I’m not sure who is responsible for keeping me updated on stuff like this, but they really dropped the ball this time.

Thing two – On the Dukes of Hazzard there was a character named “Cooter”. Really.

How the hell did they allow that on network TV in the 80’s !?! Do people from the north not know what a “Cooter” is? Try looking it up in a slang dictionary. If you’re too lazy to do that, I’ll use it in a sentence: “Zeke always thought that as long as the girl has hair on her cooter she’s fair game”. And on a very popular TV show they had a character whose name was actually “Cooter”.

And Cooter was a man. Usually, if you’re in the deep south and you meet a man that everyone calls ‘Cooter” that means that the other hillbillies use him AS cooter when there are no actual women around.

If that was the case on the TV show they downplayed that part of the character. The character on the show was mostly just a dumb guy who was friends with the Dukes but too lowbrow to actually be accepted as one of the family. Think about that sentence for a minute. He was considered too low brow for a family who every week used their female cousin as a “distraction whore” so the rest of them could escape from the cops.

Ben Jones, the actor who played Cooter actually quit the show because he wanted the character to have a beard, but the network insisted that it’s better for Cooter to be clean shaven. I’m not making that up – he quit because they wouldn’t let Cooter be hairy. Really.

Since then he’s opened a restaurant call “Cooter’s” for tourists with a taste for cooter.  It also holds the “Cooter Museum”. And if you think your parties might be a lot more fun if there was some cooter there you can contact him on face book – he makes public appearances. You’ll probably have to wade through a lot of other web pages offering cooter for sale, but his site is there somewhere.

Sometimes I think I would make a good father.  I have a lot that I could teach a child. Assuming the child is pretty stupid and doesn’t know very much already. The dumber the kid, the better.

Unless the kid is actually retarded. Trying to teach retards would be more trouble than It’s worth. And I’m uncomfortable around retarded people.

So I guess a kid that tests “slow/normal” would be the best bet for me. I just can’t see myself ever  making more than a half-assed effort at parenting.

(mose drawn)

 If you’re being chased by a werewolf it would probably be a good idea to have a back-up plan incase the chocolate thing doesn’t work. Like maybe a ball you could throw so he’ll go chase it.

I wonder if they even have a gift shop. I’d think that just about any souvenir you could get from the Holocaust museum would be in bad taste.

On their webpage they said that there have been over 30 million visitors to the museum. I don’t believe that for a minute.

There’s just no possible way that nearly 30 million visitors have been to the holocaust museum. That number is way too high,. First a lot of people have gone there more than once. Repeat visits by the same person shouldn’t count as part of the 30 million. And what about mailmen, fire inspectors and delivery guys. Should they count as “visitors”? I think not. And do we know for a fact that they aren’t counting the museum employees as being visitors every day? Employees might even be counted twice if they leave for lunch. The 30 million number is obviously something that was just dreamed up by the Jewish controlled media.

(Words people put into a search engine to get to this page) 

leon sphinx- worlds fattest pig – a racist uncle tom

asia horse – why do indians suck at sports?

worlds horniest guys & worlds fattest dogs

50s women,  kittens id like to punch

worlds fatest redneck eats womans mole

big fat 400 pound,  dick sucking jesus

mickey mouse …My sexual advance

(mouse drawn)