They say that crime doesn’t pay, but I don’t think they’re doing it right. Some crime doesn’t pay, granted – like loitering or exposing yourself . There’s just no money in it. But I still think that a lot of crime does pay. Usually the crimes that do pay fall into the general “theft” category.
I still think kidnapping could pay, but I’ve been doing it wrong. Kidnapping homeless people is just more trouble that it’s worth for several reasons.
After you kidnap someone you need to be able to contact someone that you think might be able to raise the ransom. The odds are good that a homeless guys friends will mostly just be other homeless people who have no fixed address. So you end up spending days wandering around shelters and train yards looking for someone named “Crackhead Eddie” hoping that Eddie is sober enough to remember he was ever friends with the guy you kidnapped.
Even when you collect a ransom it’s not going to be anything great. The best you can hope for is a old smelly stocking cap or a couple of garbage bags full of aluminum cans. One time a got a can of food as a ransom. The label was missing so no one was sure what was inside. It turned out to be pumpkin pie filling.
The biggest problem with kidnapping homeless people is that wherever you hide them it’s almost always going to be a step up from where they were staying before . So, even after the ransom was paid, a lot of the time you can’t get them to ever leave. So you end up with a homeless guy living in your tool shed. You just have to wait until someone else tries to kidnap him again. I thought about listing him on Craigslist, but they said that would be considered human trafficking which isn’t allowed under the new Terms of Service rules.
Kidnapping bums is the worst idea I’ve had since I tried to blackmail the neighbor’s dog.
(my 15 minutes of fame)
