Travel advice and notes from my recent trip:
If you’re flying don’t bother to call shotgun. That seat is reserved for the co-pilot, and yelling about weapons in an airport makes everyone nervous.
Airlines often overbook their flights and travelers with confirmed seats can volunteer to take a later plane in exchange for cash or free air travel. This is a great way to save money if you have no place to be and no friends, family or boss that cares when or if you ever get home. Of course, if you have no family, friends or job you should really ask yourself why you want to go back home in the first place. Airports aren’t really that bad. They’re all air conditioned and it’s fun to watch planes taxi and refuel for at least the first eight hours or so.. There are a lot worse places than an airport to try to make a life for yourself.
When you’re flying always get the in-flight meal even if you’re not hungry. If you’ve ever seen any mediocre stand-up comedy you know that airline food is just about the funniest thing ever. So buy a meal and laugh your way all the way to your destination. Hint – normally the Kosher meals are funnier than any protestant or secular entrees.
A travel alarm clock is a great way to blow thirty dollars on a piece of plastic that never works even once.
Hotel’s can be very expensive. A cheaper option is buying a ticket for a long boring movie. You can get a nights sleep in a theater with just the price of a couple of tickets. Important: Don’t try this in porno theaters. It’s important to remain alert at all times because if you ever lose consciousness in a porno theater bad things will happen. Very, VERY bad things
If you find yourself lost in a bad neighborhood late at night just take a shit in your pants. Even criminals don’t want to mess with someone like that.
In large cities renting an uncovered parking place for one night is actually more expensive than a room at Motel 6 back home. But if you’ve ever spent a night in a Motel 6 you know that it’s probably worth it to just pay the extra money and sleep in the parking place.
A money belt is a great way to keep your valuables safe from muggers. If you own any antique furniture ask for the extra-large money belt with built in back support.
Guys – don’t worry: just because you like to catch a Broadway musical when you’re in the city , that doesn’t mean you’re gay. That’s a silly stereotype. It’s a well known fact that many men who enjoy the theater are just bisexual.
I had falafel and hummus for the first time. And the last time. I think they should have to tell people that they’re really just mashed up garbanzo beans before you buy them. I had to look it up online to find that out.
My plane back home had to sit on the runway for and hour and m half just because it was raining, Apparently hey can land a plane in the Hudson River just fine ,but all the FAA guys get spooked about rolling through a puddle.
I don’t have a laptop computer, so when I take trips I end up watching more TV to pass the time that I normally do. In a way that’s nice because every year I catch up on pop culture thing I would never other wise hear about. This year I learned who the Kardashians are. Maybe next year I’ll learn why people care about them and what the hell happened to Bruce Jenners face.
When I was on my trip I went to the movies. The girl selling the tickets asked me if anyone has ever told me that I look like Roger Clemens. No one ha s ever told me that before, so that was a surprise. I was also surprised to learn that even if he poses for cell-phone pictures and signs a bunch of autographs, Roger Clemens still has to pay for his own movie ticket and coke. I guess it’s a backlash from the steroid controversy. Or maybe I shouldn’t have spelt Clemens with A “k”.
At first being mistaken for Roger Clemens didn’t bother me. I guess he’s a pretty handsome guy. But then I started thinking about it some more. He’s 12 years older than me. Do I really look like I’m 47 years old? Or maybe she was making some sort of smart ass steroid crack. If so, and she’s reading this I just want to say: Look lady. It’s true that people get testicular atrophy from steroids, but there are other causes too. Just because my balls are all shriveled up doesn’t mean I take drugs! So don’t you judge me! It doesn’t make me any less of a man, depending on which definition of “man” you choose.
At many large airports you can buy electronics from a vending machine – like an I-pod or a six hundred dollar digital camera. But plan ahead – make sure you have plenty of time before your plane departs because it can take quite a while to put 2,400 quarters into a vending machine.
On the subway I overheard a woman talking to her friend about how much she hates it when strange guys try to hit on her on the train. That was the first time I’ve ever been preemptively rejected by a woman I never met. I wasn’t even really going to try to talk to her. She was very pretty, and to be honest I find really attractive women to be intimidating and even a little bit frightening. Especially since so many of them carry pepper spray these days.
Beware: there are many conmen out there waiting to take advantage of the rube tourists. One trick they love to pull is to offer to take the tourist (or “mark” in Carney lingo) on a bird’s eye view of the city (or “municipality” in Carney lingo”. After they get your money they’ll just tell you to lie on your stomach and look about. Technically that’s not fraud because birds do land sometimes and it’s likely that they do look around from time to time when they’re on the ground. . A variation on this scam is selling the rube a birds eye tour and then have them walk around with a bag of frozen peas over their head.
If you go to a ballgame ask about the Yankees exclusive subterranean below field level luxury box ticket. You pay a premium, but your seats are directly under third base. So close to the action that you can actually hear the players running above your head.
Place like Yankees Stadium and Madison Square garden can be super crowded on the weekends, so if you want to visit them plan on going during the off peak hours of 4am to 7am.
No one on the subways ever make eye contact or speaks with the other passengers on the train. They just stare off into space and hardly move. Subways are just one tall Indian away from being an off-Broadway adaptation of One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest
Motel vending machines are a great way to discover soft drinks that you never knew existed like – Cherry Sarsaparilla or lemon-orange seltzer water that has the top of the can covered in foil for some reason I don’t understand. It’s also a chance to catch up with soda you thought was off the market like Crystal Pepsi and Moxie
Little know fact – The flight attendant is required by law to give any passenger a parachute if they ask for one. A lot of times they’ll play dumb and act like they don’t know what your talking about, butt just keep shouting ” Damn it, I know my rights! Give me a fucking parachute right now or so help me God I’ll make this plane turn around and go back to the airport!!” It helps to be firm when your dealing with airlines.
Time square has proved that if you put enough advertising in one place it the advertising itself will become a tourist attraction. That’s pretty impressive if you think about it.
New York hotel advice. It’ important to find a motel close to a subway stop. If not at least make sure that it has street access . – you shouldn’t have to cross a river or swim a moat to get from your room to a street or sidewalk If you have to climb over a fence topped with razor wire, you’re either in a hostel or POW camp
If you’re in NY be sure to visit ground zero if you’ve never seen a construction site before.
It’s a fact that dozens of people get mugged in a big city like new York or Los Angeles every day. Try it for yourself! Why let the locals have all the fun? Most women don’t carry much cash in their purse anymore, but you’ll almost always find some gum or mints. And you cane sell the better purses at thrift shops for a few buck each it you’re able to find a thrift shop owner that doesn’t ask too many questions.
You can find good deals on hotel rooms if you don’t mind saying at a place with a shared bathroom. But be sure to make sure they mean than more than one person with have access to the bathroom, and NOT that you’re expected to actually sit on the toilet at the same time as someone else.
When it come to air travel most airlines don’t use the “Gas, Grass, or Ass” system of payment. But it never hurts to ask.
I went to the metropolitan museum of art to see the ten foot tall inflatable rat exhibit.
Impressive. But if you go to the museum be sure to allow yourself several hours there since the exits are poorly marked.
Most people know about all the great inventions and advance the Romans came up with, but did you know that they also were the first to invent the Jheri curl -
I have to admidt – for a mummy she has pretty nice tits.
The line between grave robbing and art collecting overlap a lot more than you might guess . Who knows? Maybe 3000 years from now your dead granny will be an exhibit at a museum somewhere.
If you want to keep the smoke detectors in your room working you need to be careful not to let dust or smoke get into them:
The words of the prophet’s are written on the subway wall…..
Down in the village they had this on a pole with a sign saying it’s in memory of all the guys from the neighborhood that died in World War Two.
Because war heroes like owls….I guess.
The old ladies I wrote about here The importance of targeted advertising are going to be pissed at this:
These I found in that skymall catalog thing they have on planes. my scanner is broken, so I had to take pictures of them
It’ll be a lot more valuable after someone shoots the third guy too.
I think you probably could have done that all along if you really wanted to.
