There was this thing in the paper that some woman wrote about how we shouldn’t cut funding for schools because the children are our future and one day they’ll be the ones leading the country. I don’t buy that for a second. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I’m bossed around by a bunch of third graders
I don’t like to name-drop or brag, but I have been told by some of the biggest names in show business that I’ve been part of a great audience.
Thanks to daylight savings time if you die in the Fall you’ll die one hour earlier than people who die in the Spring. That doesn’t seem fair to me.
I see how we might need to build a fence on the US/Mexico border. But if they are going to build it, I hope they’ll leave a pet door. I have nothing against Mexican cats and dogs – they should be able to come and go as they please.
I have a pretty good health plan. If I ever get really sick I’m plan to move out of town without leaving a forwarding address so the collections people at the hospital won’t be able to send me the bill.
I’ll admit that I don’t really have much book smarts. Or street smarts. What I have is hallway smarts. All that really involves is knowing where the light switch is and being able to work the thermostat. I’m pretty good at both of those.
My house doesn’t just have a panic room., I also have a anxiety alcove and a homicidal rage basement.
If the cops really are “our city’s finest” we’re in a lot of trouble.
The Roman Empire fell about 1,500 years ago, and it shows no sign of rising again in the near future. I think it’s safe for us to stop kissing up to Caesar and quit using letters for numbers.
I saw a bumper sticker with the confederate flag on it that said “These colors don’t run!”. Apparently there is a difference in connotation between “running” and “unconditional surrender” that I don’t understand.
A lot of people don’t believe in King Tut’s curse, but how else do you account for the fact that everyone who ever met the guy is dead now?
When I was a little kid we had a hamster. One day the hamster ate it’s newborn babies. That was pretty gross, so we decided to just go ahead and get rid it. So we took it down the road and left it to fend for itself. The ironic thing is that 12 years later the exact same thing happened with my sister.
Tip – If you’re one of those freaks that’s into S&M it’s important to have a “safe word”. And choose something other than the word “ouch”.
I don’t get why women would ever want to become Black Muslims – I guess it’s for women who think the transition from slavery to freedom should have been more of a gradual process.
Everything is only available for a limited time.
I believe that you can judge a man by his handshake. This belief has kept me from ever being chosen for jury duty.
I have a five year plan. I think that’s important. First I’m going to finish 2009. After that I plan on it being 2010, followed quickly behind by 2011. Then if things work out the way I expect it’ll be 2012. Then I’m going to skip ahead to 2017.
It’s tough being a fan of a small market baseball team. It’s just too hard for the Royals to compete with teams like the Yankees, Dodgers and Red Sox. They spend hundreds of millions in payroll, while to save money the Royals had to replace their entire coaching staff with motivational posters.
My biggest goal in life is to one day be described as “high-functioning”.
Little known fact – Before finding success with “Juicy Fruit” gum the Wrigley people first tried to market “Rancid Dried Out” gum.
God doesn’t play dice with the universe. He’s too smart for that – he house odds are just too high. He mostly sticks with Blackjack and Baccarat.
I’m not good at remembering faces. I was in the library and this guy came up to me and said, “Wow, you haven’t changed since high school !”. I didn’t remember him, but I went along with the conversation anyway. I figured if he talked long enough I would remember who he was. Turns out he didn’t go to school with me at all. He was referring to my t-shirt.
