Christmas will be here before you know it, Especially if you’re like me and are too cheap to buy a new calendar every year.
I’m not a big fan of the holiday because it’s when it’s possible that a group of strangers might show up at your house uninvited and start singing. And the cops won’t do a damn thing to stop them. The way entertainment is supposed to work is you go to them, or you ASK them to come to you. No one tries to stage a scene from Othello in your backyard for a lark. I resent having to take part in mandatory unsolicited entertainment.
Christmas is the only holiday where that happens to you. Well, one time someone did show up at my door and start singing on St. Patrick’s day, but it was just the one guy and was really drunk. Which actually DID make him a little entertaining. – you could try to guess what he was singing. It was either “Lucille” the little Richard song, or “Lucille” by Kenny Rogers. Or maybe he wasn’t really singing at all, but was under the impression that someone named Lucille lived in at this address and he wanted to talk to her. When someone is that drunk it’s hard to tell if they’re singing or not.
Anyway, this is Christmas stuff I’ve posted here before, but decided to combine into one Christmas theme post, so you can all e-mail it, link to it, print off copies to nail to phone poles or just copy and paste it and tell people you came up with it on your own. Spread holiday cheer. Besides, unless you’ve read through all the stuff here you might have missed it. And wouldn’t that be a shame? Plus the letters are now colored green and red. If that ain’t festive I don’t know what is. (Seriously. I’m not good at that kinda thing.)
” You know how on Christmas carolers come and demand some Figgie pudding and say “they won’t go until they get some”? Well, they’re bluffing. After three days they give up an go home”
“I used to write poetry. I never was very good at it, but I am kinda proud that I’m the first poet to ever rhyme the words ”Christmas morn’” and “Granny Porn.”
“For a little while last December I thought I was God because someone sold me a Christmas tree.I had the saying wrong. Only God can MAKE a tree, but they’ll let pretty much anyone buy one. I really should start paying a little more attention to the world around me.”
“Christmas memory – I got a Nintendo system for Christmas right after they first came out. It was what I asked for, but the game seemed a lot more fun in the commercials. The game I got was called “Staring Contest”. You played against Walter Mondale, the idea was not to blink your eyes before he did. Years later my mother admitted that she just taped an 8″ by 10″ photograph of Mondale to the TV screen, and the “Nintendo” machine was really just a shoe box with a cat toy for the controller. Anyway, don’t ever get into a staring contest with Walter Mondale. He’s REALLY good at that game. I only won once in the whole time I had the game.”
“When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”. I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.”
The earliest memory I have of Christmas is walking to the K-mart with my sister on Christmas eve to see Santa and ask him to bring me a fire truck . Sure enough, Christmas morning there was the fire truck I asked for, but by that time the fire had already burnt out on it’s own. In retrospect I probably should have asked him for a ambulance too, because my birthday isn’t until March