The Sedated Ape

I’ve heard about how much fun you guys have having with your conventions and protests.  It seems like it would be a lot like Woodstock except geared to middle aged white people and no music. Plus,  it must be pretty neat to get all that free Fox-News swag.  And it gets you out of the house.  That’s important too.

So I’m all for you having your fun. The only thing that seems wrong about it is when you linked yourself to the Boston Tea Party.  Sending politicians tea bags in the mail to show them that you’re grouchy as hell and aren’t going to stop whining anymore just seems cutesy, symbol minded and dumb. 

I don’t think you really understand about how the real Tea Party worked. They were against the tax on the tea. So they didn’t buy it. Then they destroyed the tea so that no one else would buy it, keeping the government from ever getting any tax money from it. Part of it was sending a message to England, but it also actually did something.

You, on the other hand, took YOUR OWN MONEY and PAID for the tea. At that point you PAID SALES TAX to the government on the tea. Then you bought a stamp - FROM THE SAME GOVERNMENT. Then you mailed it to a politician.   FREE. AS A GIFT.  See, people don’t really mind getting free gifts in the mail. If you hadn’t included the angry form letter to a  politician in  the envelope I bet you might have even gotten a  thank you note in return.  Next time you might as well send them a free doughnut too. Free tea pisses off no one.

I think you all really need to take a lesson from the terrorists. If you want to protest something the least you can do is blow something up. Free tea just doesn’t send the same message as plastic explosives.  

(the picture has nothing to do with the post, it’s just something I drew)

If you had to choose between having a wild animal slowly chew off your big toe,  or getting anally raped by a homeless man, which would you pick?

Say you had a chance to eat a chimpanzee, would you do it? And assume that for the sake of argument they weren’t endangered. These were farm raised chimps, or they discovered a vast chimp herd somewhere. Also assume that the chimps were served in normal steak form. No whole monkey heads like in “Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom”. Would you try eating a chimp?

 I think I probably would.

 If you wouldn’t eat a chimp,  is it because they are so close a relative to humans? If so, where do you draw the line in the animal kingdom? What animal are too close to humans to eat, and which aren’t?

Also we have names for some types of meat: Pig meat = pork, Cow meat = beef, chicken meat = poultry, etc. Is there a name like that for human flesh? If not,  is there a name for monkey meat? If so, we could use that one. I figure it would be close enough.

Step 1 – Lower your standards.

Step 2 – Lower your standards again.

Step 3 – Lower your standards three more times.

Step 4 – Browse Facebook or My Space looking for pictures of women you think are attractive.

Step 5 – When you find someone you like, print out all of the pictures she has on her page that she’s  in.

Step 6- Get some nice picture frames and put her pictures up all over your house

Step 7 – Pretend you’re dating her .

Step 8- NEVER , under any circumstances  attempt  to actually communicate with this woman. Ever. At all. Trust me. The conversation will be VERY awkward and might even come up in court one day.

Economy tip – If things get really bad you can always sell plasma. You get the most money for it at a hospital or a clinic, but if you sell it at a flea market they don’t ask nearly as many questions about where you got so much of the stuff.

Most of the Wiccans you see seem to be on the homely and pudgy side. You’d think they would have a spell for that.

They say any publicity is good publicity, so I guess I shouldn’t complain. But I can’t help feeling a little insulted. And confused – I had always thought those “Worst Dressed Lists” were limited to famous people.

Sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire, but if you have access to water I’d try that first.

Hitler must have been a really persuasive speaker. You’d have to be to convince your new bride that a suicide pact counts as a honeymoon.

I’m starting to think that I need better representation. What  kind of agent keeps trying to get you auditions for roles in snuff films?

It’s dumb that people make such a big deal about how wealthy Bill Gates is. So what? If I had all his money I’d be just as rich as he is.

No one ever threatens to prosecute you to half the extent of the law. It’s always the full extent. It would be nice and show some mercy if a department store only prosecuted shoplifters to 90% the extent of the law. It would be good PR. It would show the community that while they’re tough on shoplifting, they still have a heart.

Regarding “Nudes on Ice” Vegas Shows – half of that premise is completely unnecessary. In no way is the experience of looking at naked women improved by ice skating. Ok, sure the ice makes their nipples stick out more, I get that. But you could do the same thing with air conditioning.

  Mark my words. One day I’ll have the record for most unsuccessful suicide attempts, or I’ll die trying.

People make fun of the Polish people a lot, but you got to give them credit for one thing: Their folk dancing is way sexier than any other traditional national dance.

When I played little league there were usually six or seven teams. Most of the business that sponsored a team just bought replica jerseys of real major league teams and just put the name of the business on a patch on the sleeve or the back of the jersey. My team didn’t. Our team name was “Double K Janitor Service”. So the scoreboard would say Dodgers vs. Double K Janitor Service. I’m still a little bitter about that.

Five bad mafia names – Johnny Hugs, Vinny Capri Pants. A Little Too Pretty Boy Floyd, Sal the Vegan and Nurturing Nick Apollo.

I always try to think one step ahead. I find it speeds up the whole walking process quite a bit.

I’m entering a hot dog eating contest.

It’s a little different type of contest though. It’s not about how many you eat, but how well you eat them. The judging is really pretty subjective, quality hot dog eating is really as much of an art as it is a competition.

Adding four little words to any movie premise automatically makes it much  better. Those four words are “Meets The Wolf Man”.

Examples: “How Stella Got her Groove Back And Met The Wolf Man”, “Sex In The City With A Wolf Man”, or “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice & The Wolf Man”.

The only movie this doesn’t work with is “The Wolf Man”.  A movie called “The Wolf Man Meets The Wolf Man” would make it seem like it’s  an introspective coming of age story that explores the psyche of the Wolf Man. That would be just awful . Nobody wants to watch something like that.

Hollywood has already turned vampires into a bunch of pussies. We don’t need them to be screwing  around with the Wolf Man too.