The Sedated Ape

 ”You’re not black! You’re even paler than I am. Stop telling people you’re part black, especially don’t tell that to people who really are black. Because they’ll think you’re making fun of them, that’s why. You just want to relate to the black experience and …. Fine, which of your relatives were black? You know why you don’t know? Because THEY WERE ALL WHITE TOO. I’ve met both your parents and I’ve seem pictures of your grandparents. They were as white as you are! If anything they looked like Jews. Yes, I know Jews can be black too, but they don’t. Because it’s hard enough being black without adding “Jew” to the mix. How am I being racist? I never said you were Jewish, but you’re a lot closer to being Jewish than black. Oh God. Are you crying because you’re not black? How is it my fault? I can’t make you black. You can’t just pick whatever race you want. And if you could pick, why not choose to be white? We have it the easiest. We’re in charge of everything. I’m not saying we SHOULD be, we just are. It’s a double standard, but we’re on the winning side. Enjoy it. Would you at least please not say that you think you’re black in front of people I know? Especially my parents. No, I’m not worried that they’ll be racist about it. I’m worried they’ll think you’re an idiot. So, now you’re crying about that too, huh. Fine. Fine. I’m an asshole because you’re white. I guess that’s my fault too.”

In your early 30’s you start to get depressed because you realize that your life may very well be half over.

 By the time you’re in your late 30’s you start to get relieved because you realize that your life may very well be half over.

It still doesn’t make sense to me. Back in school whenever someone would put a “kick me” sign on my back everyone did what the note said. But when I wore a “Kiss Me I’m Irish” t-shirt every day for three months straight  it never even worked once.

I like how the Count from Sesame Street teaches kids about living with obsessive compulsive disorder

My dream job: getting paid for REM sleep  

I was just a victim of another bait and switch scam. I’ll never understand why people who sell night crawlers are so devious.

 I don’t see why people still think the three stooges are funny. Curly hasn’t said anything funny in thirty years.

 Everyone seems to have “zero tolerance policies” on everything now. Remember when tolerance was supposed to be a good thing?

 Trivia – Because of snow days Inuit children rarely graduate high school before the age of 50

 What if no one ever told you that ignorance of the law is no excuse?

 They say Showgirls is supposed to be a horrible movie, but I find it enjoyable it you only alternate between watching it in slow motion and fast forward.

Dreamed I was  at the store shopping for sleeping pills. I think my own sub-conscience is making fun of me.

Having triplets would be like winning the lottery in reverse

If you see only one movie this year, netflix is probably a waste of money.

The great depression wouldn’t have seemed so bad if they thought up something more cheerful to call it.

It probably doesn’t mean anything, but it is kinda worrisome that all of my big ideas always start with “okay…first we find a corpse and set it on fire”.

I ought to get me a lot of camouflage clothing.  That way I’ll be unnoticeable and blend in with everyone else at the Wal-Mart

A  lot of Republicans and Teabagger party people are always calling Obama a Nazi. That’s just stupid.  Even if he wanted to be a Nazi there is no way he could ever make it through the application process

I don’t see how can they call it a Happy Meal if they’re unwilling to include a happy ending.

I never joined a fraternity when I was in school. I never was one to feel peer pressure. I didn’t  do things just because everyone else in school was doing it- stuff  like joining a fraternity, partying, attending classes or showering.  Besides,  there were  frat dues you had to pay to get in. If I’m going to pay someone to be my friend she’s going to be female and she’s going to be dancing on my lap.

Success often comes from failure. Before the wright brothers invented the airplane they were struggling to get by  making poorly selling bicycles that had trouble staying on the ground

I know I’m 36 years late, but I just got those Baby Einstein cds. By the time I’m 60 I’ll be as as smart as Einstein was as a young man. That’s still pretty good. I’m going to skip the Pubescent Einstein series though. I don’t care how smart he was, I’m not going through all that again.

There is an ad for this online school and the girl in the commercial says “and the great thing is I can even go to class in my pajamas!”  If that’s how you choose which college to attend, you’re wasting your time even thinking about higher education in the first place.  You’re much much too lazy to ever enter the work force.

Now Canada is building a wall on the border to keep out really determined Mexicans.

Dialogue from my Lassie spec script: Lassie, what is it boy? What are you trying to tell us? Is someone trapped in that dog’s vagina?

My only career goal now is to one day work in a place where no one has ever had to leave work early because they accidently peed on themselves. Or even worse, did it on purpose.

I just finished watching Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I counted 345 OSHA violations. And I think the INS should look into their bizarre midget employees.

I don’t smoke pot and I don’t like being around people who do. Pot just makes you seem dumber. That’s not a big deal if your normally intelligent, but you need to carefully consider where you stand because there are a lot of naturally dumb people who can’t afford to do anything that will send them any lower on the intelligence ladder. Plus pot smokers are way too chatty. Dumb and chatty are a deadly combination,  because it’s just a matter of time before they’ll want to start talking about the movie Point Break

Trivia: The first crime of the century was “minor in possession of a stick”.

Earth day if a horseshit holiday. We have tornadoes, mud slides, typhoons, earthquakes tsunamis, drought, volcanoes, temps either so hot of so cold that you’ll die if you go outside,  lighting strikes, floods, hail, wildfires, famine, dust storms and even the damn sun will give you cancer. The earth is doing everything it can to kill us and you want to kiss up to it and try to save the planet? The planet is trying to KILL YOU!  Whose side are you on anyway?

If you’re  like me and have an ingrown toenail a walk in the park is no walk in the park

What I hope to see on television or in the movies one day:  There’s a scene with a a gun. Someone says “Don’t worry, the safety is on”. Then they check and the safety actually is on

I have a lazy eye, but the rest of me is lazy too so it’s not a problem

My best pick-up line: I’m more willing to put up with more crazy shit for much longer than an attractive man ever would.

Is it possible to give up silly, superstitious religious rituals for lent?

I was just watching television and I don’t know how it happened, but I somehow failed a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. They said if it was an actual emergency I’ll be trampled and left behind to be eaten by coyotes. I don’t like the sound of that one bit.

My sister always got better grades than me in school.

That’s not a huge compliment.  Saying someone got better grades than me is like saying they were more social than bigfoot.  My guidance consular once took me aside and said “… look,  junior high  just isn’t for everyone”.

But even compared to other, non-stupid, children her grades we pretty good.

My mother would always put her tests and school papers up on the refrigerator at home. I never had much up there. She wasn’t playing favorites, I just didn’t give her much to work with.  My sister’s teachers wrote stuff like “Super” and “Great Work!” on her papers. If the teacher wrote anything on my paper it usually had too many obscenities in it to display it in the kitchen.

One day they sent a note home saying I passed the head lice inspection they gave us every year.  Right away my mother put it up on the refrigerator and was really proud that I finally got something from the school she could put on display.

She seemed so happy I didn’t have the heart to tell her I only passed the exam because I cheated.

I’ve just found me something that will make me a famous animal expert like that dorky Australian guy used to be.

After spending  countless days looking in the woods and the park I’ve finally  found and  captured an actual snipe!  I  found him in my own back yard of
all places!

There’s a lot of people who are closed-minded about my discovery, but I expected that.  They say stuff like  ”Your so-called snipe  looks like a cat with his fur shaved off.

My  neighbor lady is in that school of thought. She pointed out that her  cat disappeared the previous night, and the snipe was wearing the same type of collar her cat wore and that the snipe also meowed in much the same way  a cat would.  Plus she said  and there was a pile of fur and an electric beard trimmer on my back porch.

I can see how a lay person who isn’t trained to look for mythical  animals like I am might come to the conclusion that I just shaved a cat and tried to pass it off as a snipe . Lay people can be pretty damn  cynical. ( They don’t even believe in bigfoot, even though he stared  in four of the star wars movies!)

Yes, the snipe and a cat do  superficially look a lot a like. I admit that – but that’s just a  coincidence.

Coincidences do exist, you know? That’s why the word  was invented. If there were no such thing as coincidences, the word  would serve no purpose except in crossword puzzles and bad poems that  try to rhyme “coincidence” with “peeing on an electric fence”.

Through no doings of my own I had two very pretty girls sitting on my left and two more on my right. I felt like a pimp who took his whores on a field trip.

I don’t know if they ever really do that or not . Taking whores out to a ballgame as a reward for a job well done might improve their morale and sense of self worth. Of course if their morale improved too much they might not want to be whores anymore.

 Anyway… During the seventh inning stretch I screamed “Goddamn it bitch – did I say you can do the wave!!??” Then I slapped them all with the back of my hand. Here’s something I learned:  If you’re going to make a joke like that you really need to set it up well first, otherwise it just makes everyone very angry at you and there will be a lot of crying.

Real thing: When you enter Kauffman Stadium for a game a security guard makes you take your cap off now. Maybe if you wore a top hat to the game you could fit some contraband between your skull and hat, but I’ve never seen Lincoln or Mr. Peanut come to a game. You also could probably fit about 20 sticks of dynamite under the Pope’s hat, but the pope doesn’t strike me as the suicide bomber type.

When someone complained about it the guard said, “Since 9-11 we have to be careful”. If cap bombs at baseball games are a threat why did it take them ten years before they came up with the “take off your cap” security measures? It seems like a pretty straight forward solution to an imaginary problem

They didn’t, however, check any of my pockets. I was wearing cargo shorts and a baggy jersey. If I wanted to I could’ve brought in five handguns, a ammo belt and three or four grenades. Just nothing under my cap. Luckily for everyone, we won. So I wouldn’t have needed them to extract my revenge against the Angels starting line-up. This time.

We got a new player from the Braves this season named Melky Cabera. He had a really good spring, but every time he comes to bat I just think of this:

I had one of those cows. I have no memory of it ever working. We broke the tail pretty quick. In theory you could buy more of the chalky tablets that would turn water into pretend milk. That is if you could work up the nerve to say “Yes, shop-keep. I require more Milky The Marvelous Milking Tablets, otherwise I’ll just have to squeeze water out of the toy cow’s fake rubber teat. That would be silly, so give me some of your best fake milk tablets right away.” I never could say anything like that.

According to the Incas,  the Royals leading their division is a sign of the end times.