Through no doings of my own I had two very pretty girls sitting on my left and two more on my right. I felt like a pimp who took his whores on a field trip.
I don’t know if they ever really do that or not . Taking whores out to a ballgame as a reward for a job well done might improve their morale and sense of self worth. Of course if their morale improved too much they might not want to be whores anymore.
Anyway… During the seventh inning stretch I screamed “Goddamn it bitch – did I say you can do the wave!!??” Then I slapped them all with the back of my hand. Here’s something I learned: If you’re going to make a joke like that you really need to set it up well first, otherwise it just makes everyone very angry at you and there will be a lot of crying.
Real thing: When you enter Kauffman Stadium for a game a security guard makes you take your cap off now. Maybe if you wore a top hat to the game you could fit some contraband between your skull and hat, but I’ve never seen Lincoln or Mr. Peanut come to a game. You also could probably fit about 20 sticks of dynamite under the Pope’s hat, but the pope doesn’t strike me as the suicide bomber type.
When someone complained about it the guard said, “Since 9-11 we have to be careful”. If cap bombs at baseball games are a threat why did it take them ten years before they came up with the “take off your cap” security measures? It seems like a pretty straight forward solution to an imaginary problem
They didn’t, however, check any of my pockets. I was wearing cargo shorts and a baggy jersey. If I wanted to I could’ve brought in five handguns, a ammo belt and three or four grenades. Just nothing under my cap. Luckily for everyone, we won. So I wouldn’t have needed them to extract my revenge against the Angels starting line-up. This time.
We got a new player from the Braves this season named Melky Cabera. He had a really good spring, but every time he comes to bat I just think of this:
I had one of those cows. I have no memory of it ever working. We broke the tail pretty quick. In theory you could buy more of the chalky tablets that would turn water into pretend milk. That is if you could work up the nerve to say “Yes, shop-keep. I require more Milky The Marvelous Milking Tablets, otherwise I’ll just have to squeeze water out of the toy cow’s fake rubber teat. That would be silly, so give me some of your best fake milk tablets right away.” I never could say anything like that.
According to the Incas, the Royals leading their division is a sign of the end times.
