It still doesn’t make sense to me. Back in school whenever someone would put a “kick me” sign on my back everyone did what the note said. But when I wore a “Kiss Me I’m Irish” t-shirt every day for three months straight it never even worked once.
I like how the Count from Sesame Street teaches kids about living with obsessive compulsive disorder
My dream job: getting paid for REM sleep
I was just a victim of another bait and switch scam. I’ll never understand why people who sell night crawlers are so devious.
I don’t see why people still think the three stooges are funny. Curly hasn’t said anything funny in thirty years.
Everyone seems to have “zero tolerance policies” on everything now. Remember when tolerance was supposed to be a good thing?
Trivia – Because of snow days Inuit children rarely graduate high school before the age of 50
What if no one ever told you that ignorance of the law is no excuse?
They say Showgirls is supposed to be a horrible movie, but I find it enjoyable it you only alternate between watching it in slow motion and fast forward.
Dreamed I was at the store shopping for sleeping pills. I think my own sub-conscience is making fun of me.
Having triplets would be like winning the lottery in reverse
If you see only one movie this year, netflix is probably a waste of money.
The great depression wouldn’t have seemed so bad if they thought up something more cheerful to call it.
It probably doesn’t mean anything, but it is kinda worrisome that all of my big ideas always start with “okay…first we find a corpse and set it on fire”.
I ought to get me a lot of camouflage clothing. That way I’ll be unnoticeable and blend in with everyone else at the Wal-Mart
A lot of Republicans and Teabagger party people are always calling Obama a Nazi. That’s just stupid. Even if he wanted to be a Nazi there is no way he could ever make it through the application process
I don’t see how can they call it a Happy Meal if they’re unwilling to include a happy ending.
I never joined a fraternity when I was in school. I never was one to feel peer pressure. I didn’t do things just because everyone else in school was doing it- stuff like joining a fraternity, partying, attending classes or showering. Besides, there were frat dues you had to pay to get in. If I’m going to pay someone to be my friend she’s going to be female and she’s going to be dancing on my lap.
Success often comes from failure. Before the wright brothers invented the airplane they were struggling to get by making poorly selling bicycles that had trouble staying on the ground
I know I’m 36 years late, but I just got those Baby Einstein cds. By the time I’m 60 I’ll be as as smart as Einstein was as a young man. That’s still pretty good. I’m going to skip the Pubescent Einstein series though. I don’t care how smart he was, I’m not going through all that again.
There is an ad for this online school and the girl in the commercial says “and the great thing is I can even go to class in my pajamas!” If that’s how you choose which college to attend, you’re wasting your time even thinking about higher education in the first place. You’re much much too lazy to ever enter the work force.
Now Canada is building a wall on the border to keep out really determined Mexicans.
Dialogue from my Lassie spec script: Lassie, what is it boy? What are you trying to tell us? Is someone trapped in that dog’s vagina?
My only career goal now is to one day work in a place where no one has ever had to leave work early because they accidently peed on themselves. Or even worse, did it on purpose.
I just finished watching Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I counted 345 OSHA violations. And I think the INS should look into their bizarre midget employees.
I don’t smoke pot and I don’t like being around people who do. Pot just makes you seem dumber. That’s not a big deal if your normally intelligent, but you need to carefully consider where you stand because there are a lot of naturally dumb people who can’t afford to do anything that will send them any lower on the intelligence ladder. Plus pot smokers are way too chatty. Dumb and chatty are a deadly combination, because it’s just a matter of time before they’ll want to start talking about the movie Point Break
Trivia: The first crime of the century was “minor in possession of a stick”.
Earth day if a horseshit holiday. We have tornadoes, mud slides, typhoons, earthquakes tsunamis, drought, volcanoes, temps either so hot of so cold that you’ll die if you go outside, lighting strikes, floods, hail, wildfires, famine, dust storms and even the damn sun will give you cancer. The earth is doing everything it can to kill us and you want to kiss up to it and try to save the planet? The planet is trying to KILL YOU! Whose side are you on anyway?
If you’re like me and have an ingrown toenail a walk in the park is no walk in the park
What I hope to see on television or in the movies one day: There’s a scene with a a gun. Someone says “Don’t worry, the safety is on”. Then they check and the safety actually is on
I have a lazy eye, but the rest of me is lazy too so it’s not a problem
My best pick-up line: I’m more willing to put up with more crazy shit for much longer than an attractive man ever would.
Is it possible to give up silly, superstitious religious rituals for lent?
I was just watching television and I don’t know how it happened, but I somehow failed a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. They said if it was an actual emergency I’ll be trampled and left behind to be eaten by coyotes. I don’t like the sound of that one bit.
