The Sedated Ape

If something happened that you dislike or disagree with just saying “Really? Really?” or  ”Seriously? Seriously?” is not enough to qualify as as a successful retort or counter-point argument. Not even if you preface the remarks with the words “I mean…”

PS- Herr’s “Steak” flavored potato chips smell like dog food. This has nothing to do with my previous point, but it’s true and I thought you people should know.

I’ve written about this person before: Here  and Here.

The red text is from me, just like they do with things Jesus said in the Bible

Things I’d like to see in romance novels.

1. A heroine with PCOS  (PCOS is short for Polycystic ovary syndrome. Women who have this are known to have prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity. Sexxxxy! Who wouldn’t want to escape into a romantic fantasy about a fat, hairy, pus covered gal who won’t stop bleeding?”)

2: Dogs and/or cats – preferably adopted from shelters – whom conspire to get the hero and heroine together.

3: This is a long one – I read this myth about Selkies (don’t bother looking it up) – if a woman cries seven tears into the sea a male Selkie would come and claim her as his bride. Well, this would be perfect for a story involving a woman with body image issues. Especially if she has PCOS. She’s dragged to the beach by her friends, someone makes snide remarks about her and “beached whales”, she runs off and cries. Selkie comes to claim her – she manages to push him off but he has to woo and win her. And frankly, he doesn’t give a damn that she’s fat because in the deep of the sea you need a good layer of blubber to keep warm.” (Even better: a fat, hairy, pus covered gal who won’t stop bleeding who lives in the ocean! That’s just begging for a shark attack though. And who could blame it?)

4: More characters with allergies. Nothing that has to be life threatening.

5: More picky eaters. I hate strawberries. I can’t stand champagne. It ruins every sex scene for me when heroes and heroines are having this stuff because I find this stuff so gross

Stay tuned to hear her say…

“Someone is impersonating me on Twitter and INTENTIONALLY using the things I say to make me seem racist!” (Okay, that was me)

They say their webpage is fatbitchsatonme.com and they saying horrible thinks like “I eat lard”

Great, now they’re impersonating my dead dog. How could anyone be so cruel!! (Me again)

The Underground Railroad: Okay, all of risked your lives to escape from your brutal slave owners to reach this spot on the underground railroad. The porter will be along shortly to get your bags and then…..Naw, I’m just fucking  with you guys . There is no train. Oh, man… you should see the look on your faces right now. But seriously folks, I hope you all dressed warm because you all are going to be walking to Canada. Wait guys, come back….

Trojan War: Look, I know they’ve been fighting against us for all of recorded history, but maybe a  free giant wooden horse with something moving around inside is just their way of saying they’re sorry. Maybe they heard I have a have a birthday coming up next month….Don’t be so cynical, do you have any idea how much a giant wooden horse will sell for once someone invents Ebay? We’d be fools not to wheel it in.

Try guessing what show they’re thinking about. I’ll put the answer in the comments section

I can’t retrieve my aol password. It’s my mother’s fault.

Apparently she has been keeping her real maiden name a secret from me all these years,  because according to AOL it’s not “Johnson”.  I wonder if her sisters know she’s been an imposter for the last 72 years?

The only explanation is that she”s been running from the law all these years.

At first I thought the reason she refused to tell me her real  maiden name all these years might have been because she was really the Lindbergh baby and was afraid that the grandchildren of Bruno Hauptmann might track her down and put us all in danger if her true identity were known. After looking into this, I kinda doubt the theory. One problem is she would’t have been born for another seven years. A second problem is that my mother is  female. But, I guess if she was lying about her maiden name all these years it’s possible that she was lying about her age and gender too.

To double check I tried to sign on to aol again, and this time when they asked their “security question” I said my mother’s maiden name was “Lindbergh”. That didn’t work either. So I’m at a dead end.

Anyway the NEW e-mail address is sedatedape@gmail.com. So, if for some reason you want to tell me something, use that address. Unless I owe you money, then go ahead and use the old one.

If I forget my password there and have to answer gmail’s security question about my mother’s maiden name the answer I have to give is “I have no idea”.

Whenever God wanted to talk to just about anyone in the Bible,  they either get an angel or at the very least flaming shrubbery. But when God wants to talk to me I get a lousy billboard off I-70 near the Little Debbie outlet store?

It’s hard not to feel insulted.

Poorly thought out t-shirt idea

If the target audience for your shirt doesn’t speak English, the chances are pretty slim that they’ll be able to read your shirt.

The soap in the hotel says it’s made from “marine extracts.”  Possible scenarios from best to worse:

1 – Seaweed

2 – Fish

3- Fish shit.

4- Jizz from someone in the USMC.

I saw a homeless guy yesterday and his sign just said “Hungy”.  Not” Hungry” – just “Hungy”.  I wanted to take a picture of him, but I’m not sure if  that would be acceptable. Using the poor as funny photo opportunities seems a little tacky – even to me.  And if I did take his picture, would I be obligated to give him anything?

I’m not sure of the etiquette in this situation, and Miss Manners has had  my e-mail address blocked  now for years now.

What I did was offer to buy his “Hungy” sign from him, so I could show it to people when I tell this story. I’d even offered to help him make a new sign: “Not Hungy Now, But Will Be Hungy Again Later. Please Check Back Soon”.

He wouldn’t sell it to me, not even for $20. I think me and my offer just made him nervous. He probably was afraid I was crazy and might do something weird. Well, weirder. That’s understandable, but it’s still a little concerning that I out-crazied a panhandler. Usually it works the other way.