The Sedated Ape

The Royal’s AAA club has a between inning game they play called “The Fan-a-mal Race”.

The way the game works is they get three people from the stands and they have them wear animal masks – a pig, donkey and dog. They start by home plate and crawl on their hands and knees the 90 feet to first base. Then they run over to near the dugout where there are three bottles of shampoo and the three bottles of water. They then have to squirt the shampoo and then poor a bottle of water over their heads/masks.

The quickest one to do all this wins a prize. The prize is a bottle of Prell Shampoo. The team is owned by Warren Buffett..

The Omaha Storm Chaser’s (Bad name for a team, by the way. It  seems silly whenever a team called the Storm Chasers gets rained out) radio play by play guy sounds exactly like comedian Todd Barry.  I like Todd Barry- I think he’s funny. But if you talk like him sports casting isn’t a good career choice.  It’s like having Porky Pig be an auctioneer.

PS – Try to tell someone under 20 that major league teams used to drive their relief pitchers to mound from the bullpen in a car, and that the Yankees even used a stretch-limo. They won’t believe you.

From a netflix review of “Being John Malkovich”

There were reasons. The reasons aren’t funny, so no one reading this would care about them.

ps- I can’t access my old e-mail address. So if you wrote me at the old one and I didn’t respond, that’s why. Instead write to me at thesedatedape@aol.com  – I still might not respond, but it will at least get to me.

 

(If you’ve been following me on twitter for the past year or so a lot of these will seem familiar)

I gotta go to my Salsa lesson in the morning – I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting really good at eating that stuff.

Busy working on a machine that can defeat even the best human chess players using toxic gasses & whirling serrated blades

Twitter is just like a whole bunch of haiku’s written by people who don’t understand how haiku’s are supposed to work.

Well. my career as a playwright is over.  I guess “Closed By Order Of The Health Dept” really was a bad title for a dinner theater play after all.

All movies are 3D if you count time as a dimension.

Busy writing fan-fiction stories where The Chipmunks & The Smurfs meet, and then fuck a lot.

I bet it pisses off the Lenape Indians when they see how many beads drunk girls get at Mardi Gras just for showing their tits.

Historians now feel like “The Underground Railroad” was just a trick whites used to get black people to move out of their neighborhoods.

I have a theory about the lost city of Roanoke – I’m pretty sure they are all dead by now

Stock Tip – If you’re looking for a safe retirement investment, consider wampum. It’s kept is value for over 300 years now

Wolves have been known to raise human children. So if you ever see a wolf ask it if it would help you pay for your braces and college tuition.

How much more would I have to donate to become “More than a friend” of the zoo?

My wilderness survival guide – Stay as far away from the wildernesses as possible at all times.

It’s pretty amazing how much difference there is between “Catwoman” and “Cat Lady”.

Chaucer wrote that “All roads lead to Rome”. Luckily large advances in the field of cartography have occurred since then.

My health care plan is to die young in a lot of pain.

On the radio there was an ad for a “PORTABLE GPS system” – Aren’t they all portable? Isn’t that the whole point of GPS?? A non-portable one would be no more useful than those “you are here” signs at the mall. Even plain old maps are more useful than a non-portable GPS – maps tell you where other stuff is at too.

I’m a lot like a Elvis except for the music, good looks and popularity. I take a ton of pills, shoot Televisions and pretend like I know karate….that’s the point I’m trying to make here.

Is it just me, or are there a lot of other people?

Who do you have to kill to get work as an hit man around here?

It’s time to stop blaming the priests – at this point if you allow your kids within 2 miles of a Catholic church you’re an unfit parent.

Maybe this is just the alcohol talking, but I think I’m really drunk.

I read on the back of a bottle of coke that it has 240 calories! So if you’re trying to diet,  be sure not to eat any coke bottles.

If vampires can’t come out in the day how do they ever manage to renew their driver’s license?

I “guess” I just “don’t” “get” when it’s the “proper” time to use quotation “marks” “.”

I learned two things tonight – singing “Scat” doesn’t mean what I thought it did, and I’m no longer welcome at karaoke night.

I own a rare photograph of Newt Gingrich and Knute Rockne tongue kissing.

My parents taught me that if I tried hard I could be anything I wanted to be. Sure they just meant for Halloween, but it was still nice.

I wonder how the evil castle owners explain to the contractor why they needed a room with moving walls with lots of spikes on them, and why the building codes would allow them to build a dangerous room like that.

Guessing a number between one and ten is a lot harder if you don’t have a “no decimal point” rule.

I don’t pretend to know for sure what happens to us after we die, but I bet some kid will try to poke me with a stick.

If I was a pirate I’d get a parrot to sit on my shoulder & a hummingbird to sit on the parrot’s shoulder, and all 3 of us have our own eye patches. No matching earrings though, that would be taking it too far. …besides as far as I know birds don’t have earlobes.

Note to other buffet patrons: the waitress isn’t going to be impressed with your chopstick skills. Use a fork like a normal person.

I wonder how many of those guys would have not joined the guardian angels if they didn’t get those berets.

My great great, great grandfather lost an ear in a bar fight with Henry David Thoreau.

Why are so many still life paintings of fruit? Why doesn’t anyone ever paint a nice meatloaf?

Re: endangered species: If you need an entirely different species to help keep your kind alive, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I know humans are the reason most of them are endangered, but I still think it’s up to the polar bears to pull themself by their boot straps. …or paw-straps or whatever the polar bear equivalent of boot straps might be.

I like taking Amish people to Epcot. They’re always amazed by the strange futuristic vision of tomorrow. And that’s just the parking lot.

I guess everyone lies a little on their online dating profile. I did. I’m not really a billionaire test-pilot with the gift of omnipotence.

Bumper sticker idea: If this van’s a rockin’ the springs are shot and I need to get the tires balanced.

Someone ought to take that New Year’s baby to the endocrinologist. He seems to have aged an awful lot in just twelve months.

He’s an old man- can’t someone give Jimmy Carter some sort of pension so he doesn’t have to take construction jobs?

Good thing about being a big loser: If someone hacks into your computer and steals your identity it doesn’t really matter very much.

Dance like no one is shooting at your feet – Yosemite Sam

Old Indian trick- If you put your ear to the ground and stay very still you can tell if there are any ants crawling around inside your ear.

Shakespeare said “all the world’s the stage and the men and women merely players”. If we get to pick, I’d like to be in charge of the lights

Saw a girl on TV introduced as being a “fitness celebrity” I didn’t know it was possible to be so healthy that you’d become famous for it.

Google Earth has stolen the souls of countless Indian tribes

Don’t Show. Don’t Tell. – Clinton’s policy on gays in the kindergartens

The closest thing I have to a hobby anymore is renting movies on I-tunes and never getting around to watching them before they expire

If Romney is elected at least it will be interesting to see what the1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th Ladies will be like

I’ll never forget the Christmas when my folks sat me and my sister down and explained to us that Jesus wasn’t real

If the Amish want to feel nostalgic they have to imagine life as a caveman.

Happy Days in 1 sentence: HS students befriend an older man who always wears leather and hangs out in public toilets.

There is a fine line between love and hate. According to the judge it’s 500 feet

It would save a lot of time and gas if they put all the historical monuments in one place

If it comes in size XXXL I don’t think the stores should be allowed to call it active wear.

Know what’s a really funny parody song? Actually that’s a trick question – there are no really funny parody songs

What I learned today – It’s considered tacky to ask for a receipt for a lap dance

Voting is like prayer – it does no good at all, no one is listening, but it seems to make the simpleminded folk feel a little better

It’s like the GOP candidates don’t even care if they offend the two homosexuals that would consider voting Republican!

Shouldn’t the first step in A.A. be:” Drink a lot of booze over an extended period of time”?

Hobby idea: Inflatable rafts in a bottle, much easier than the more traditional ships.

I wonder how many holes the guy who invented the glory hole had to try before he found one that worked

Long time listener, first time caller.. so could you explain what all these buttons on the phone are for?

There really is a country song called “love me like my dog does”. Every joke you can make about that is too easy to make

Apparently it’s against code to build a non-tacky building within 30 miles of a beach.

They wouldn’t let me give blood because I had high blood pressure. That doesn’t make sense – wouldn’t that just make me fill the bag quicker?

I’m a hypochondriac by proxy: My parents are convinced that I have every disease known to man, animal or Dutch elm tree.  Now they’re nagging me to make a doctor’s appointment so I can get checked for S.I.D.S.

I think I’d make a good dad if I never had to give them any money or spend any time with them or learn their names.

There have superheroes and super villains, but you never hear about any super disinterested bystanders

My Spidey-Sense is tingling! At least I hope that’s what it is. If it’s not it probably means that the head lice are back.

I’m still more than a little pissed off that I’m not Paul McCartney

I had elective surgery when I was in school. If I had to do it over again I’d choose another elective like band, art or even wood shop.

I finally learned the true meaning of Christmas! I really wish I would’ve bought a dictionary a long time ago, it’s pretty handy.

I bet Harry Houdini must have paid out the ass for life insurance.

My 5 yo nephew takes Tumbling Classes. I never had to take classes like that – I guess I was just naturally good at falling down.

Sometimes I feel like a skeleton trapped in a man’s body.

Even if Frosty did come to life he still wouldn’t have legs so you’re have to drag him around with you everywhere you went. Not really worth it.

Car Talk Review: Two old men constantly laughing at themselves for a half hour for no apparent reason.

I’ve never met anyone who really hates to say “I told you so”, unless they had mouth cancer or something and it hurt to say anything at all

What I learned today: the “my house, my rules” thing doesn’t hold up in court.

Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves , oh this would go much faster if someone would tell me what’s a sheave….

Spelling Bees- Our last line of defense if our spell checking software falls into the hands of our enemies.

The most useful job skill on my resume is “Good at creating a diversion.”

Tip- If you’re one of those freaks that’s into S&M it’s important to have a “safe word”. And choose something other than the word “ouch”.

I don’t know about you, but I always thought that EVERY episode of Different Strokes was very special.

My guidance consular once took me aside and said “… look junior high school just isn’t for everyone”.

I don’t buy the regular olive oil, I go for r the virgin kind instead. I’m not putting something on my food that someone had their dick in

Rule: If you’re reading a book and the author calls his hypothetical audience “dear reader” stop reading it. No good can come from that.

I hate improv comedy-You don’t go to a restaurant and say “the food was awful, but isn’t it amazing that it was raw right before we came in?!”

Tip for Christian Rockers: It’s IMPOSSIBLE to use the word “worship” too much. Use the word “worship” like that cat on Mr. Rogers used “meow”

I just got one of those virtual fireplace DVDs. Finally! An affordable alternative to setting my TV on fire!

Real Thing: Whenever I ask a cop for directions I’m always a little afraid that I’ll say something wrong and end up in prison

Some people want you to boycott products made in sweatshops. So apparently it’s better if all those poor people are laid off their shitty jobs

Trying to sell my place – it’s pretty fancy. It’s got Stained glass windows, but I’m pretty sure windex will take care of that.

Twitter makes it seem like everyone has Intrusive Thought Disorder.

I don’t have a pair of lucky boxer shorts. Nothing that spends that much time stuck in the crack of my ass could ever be considered “lucky”

I suppose this makes me racist, but I’m 37 and I have yet to see a really sexy Eskimo.

Almost 20% of high school students drop out every year. You’d think that they would just stop re-enrolling after the third or fourth time.

I sleep in the “master bedroom” at my house. I call the other bedrooms the slave quarters.

Why do only crazy people write manifestos?

A lot of doctors say I shouldn’t even be alive. Not just medical doctors either. A lot of guys with PHD’s in philosophy & sociology feel that way too.

Remember kids: winners never take no for an answer. Also rapists.

You got to admit, for a reanimated corpse the Bride Of Frankenstein was pretty hot. Odd hair style, but still really sexy for a dead monster.

I’m working on a hybrid space ship. Just need to figure out how to spread electrical outlets all over space without first having a space ship.

If you have your own tar pit it’s automatically the 2nd most famous Tar Pit in the USA.

Pool game idea: Christopher Columbus: Sorta of like Marco Polo, but the goal is to infect everyone in the pool with your strange new germs.

I’m bringing sexy back and demanding a full refund (joke more relevant 5 years ago).

Product idea for people with OCD: Hand Sanitizer that kills the .1% of germs that Purell leaves behind.

I’m not going back to the air show. It was too hard to enjoy the air with all those distracting planes flying around.

Fact: No one has ever gotten laid while listening to banjo music.

I’m hooked on the show Storage Wars. I can’t wait until one of them bids on a locker just to find a homeless family living in it

I may not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I’m pretty sure I could beat up most of them.

Movie idea: Middle Aged Can’t Stop Shaking Wolf”:

Avoid hospitals with “research” in their name.  Instead go to the “We Already figured This Stuff Out Hospital”. If you have a tumor or something like that you don’t want to hear your doctor say “Well, let’s see what Wikipedia has to say about that.”

Dad was like one of those 007 guys  with a license kill. Actually, it was just a license to practice medicine, but he wasn’t very good at it.

The letter Y is the bisexual part of the alphabet. (This is a vowel joke. You don’t see enough of those)

TV idea: New version of the Three stooges without all the violence, jokes and slapstick. I never cared for that stuff.

Finally quit my quality control job Viagra plant, it sounded fun at first but after the first few months it just got too embarrassing.

We’re all in a lot of trouble it burglars ever figure out our “leave the radio on while on vacation” trick.

40 is the new XL.

Burlesque is great for all the guys out there who love tits but for some reason are offended by nipples.

Lady in bed commercial said “:I’m just glad I got my sleep # bed before I got too old to enjoy it!” It’s possible to get too old to for a bed?!?

Doctor is one of the only professions where you can kill the customer and still not get fired. They even get paid for killing them. “We killed your mother, Sorry. But you still owe us $84,000″  - that doesn’t work in other professions. If you went to jiffy lube they wouldn’t say, “You came in for an oil change, but instead we crushed your car into a cube. So that’s $24.99 for the oil change and filter”

Before a big game Coach would always tell us “You can’t spell success without a basic understanding of phonics.”

A guy from work was retiring so everyone pitched in and we got him a gift. Everyone decided that we would use the fifty dollars and have a star named after him. I didn’t want to rock the boat, but that seems like a really bad gift idea. Especially for a black guy named “Polaris”.

Competive eating tip – even if it comes free with them meal, go ahead and skip the trip to the salad bar.

Back in the early 90’s NBC had what they called “Must See TV” every Thursday. It’s been almost 20 years and so far I’ve managed not to have to see any of that stuff

I guess it’s not that surprising that one day my job would be taken by a machine. Still, I never would have thought that it would be a Teddy Ruxkpin doll that would do it.

I’m still coming up with theories about what Lost was all about. I’m pretty show it was a TV show.

It hasn’t happened yet, but if a genie ever offered me the choice riding  the world of either racial intolerance or improv comedy, I’ll like to go ahead and apologize to the blacks, Mexicans, Jews and Arabs ahead of time.

If you’re not horny, the internet really isn’t that big of a deal.

I know it’s for a good cause and all, but I still think it was sneaky for the walk-a-thon people to add in the miles the earth rotated around to sun to their total.

Pregnant women get strange cravings, like pickles and ice cream or wanting to have the baby

Women who do natural childbirth are crazy  – it’s  like they turned Amish all of a sudden at the worst possible moment. Pain killers are our friends

Anyone who writes the phrase “I know what you’re thinking…” then continues to keep on writing doesn’t know what I’m thinking.

Dear internet please shut up about bacon, zombies, ninjas and Betty White. – Thank you.

In some ways I’m pretty conservative – for example, I don’t think abortion should be legal except in the very rare cases where the mother’s life is in danger or when I might possibly be the father.

Why do black people deserve a whole month when sharks only get one lousy week?

Jackson Pollock: Great artist, piss poor pictionary partner.

Pay-per view lectures

All shop projects will be sold to third world countries that can’t afford professionally made bird houses.

If the kids want to have pigs in a blanket for lunch they must bring their own blankets with them from home.

Iowa Basic Tests replaced by the cheaper West Virginia Basic Test, which just tests the students on the correct way to apply for welfare.

The game will now be called just “Duck Goose”

Home economics courses will just teach students how to open lunchables.

Start leaving some children behind.

Hall monitors double as unpaid hit men

If you’ve learned about one World War, the other one was about the same.

Do we really need more that one law of thermodynamics?

For an extra $20 offer something a little extra at the Cheerleader’s fundraiser car washes if you know what I mean.

School library replaced by Wikipedia

You don’t need pep rallies AND motivational posters.

Have the art class paint a mural on the school busses so you can sell them to hippies.

Color guard to replace school security guards

Install coin-operated vibrating desks.

According to the game show no one is smarter than a fifth grader, so why are we still paying 6^th grade teachers?

Why do you need fire drills AND fire extinguishers? Pick one strategy and stick with it.

Grades replaced by emoticons

Instead of paying a photographer to come to the school for picture day just have the students go on the roof and smile up at the sky for satellite  photography

Focus less on “book smarts” and more on the cheaper “street smarts” and “vacant lot smarts”

Now it’s just “A Tale of One City”

Prayer in school allowed, but only if the prayers are pleas to God asking for more money.

Replace French and Spanish with Pig Latin

Everything I ever needed to know about life I learned in Kindergarten. So eliminate grades 1-12.

Demand a ransom if parents want to get their kids out of detention

By the time the kids grow up surely someone will have cured the kind of cancer you get from asbestos.

Find a way to blackmail the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation

Cash, gas or ass … no one rides the school bus for free

School Nurse replaced by  WebMD

Eliminate one primary and two secondary colors.

Sell the best athletes to large market schools

No need to buy current issues of the Weekly Reader.  March 7-14^th , 1974 was a pretty good week. Just stick with that one.

The dog in the song is now just called BING

Instead of costly plays the Drama club will just reenact  Geico commercials

Have the cross country team pick up recyclable cans along their routes

Textbooks replaced with e-mail forwards of “You might be a redneck” jokes

Put up posters telling kids that high school drop-outs get all the best pussy

Google Earth searches are cheaper than field trips

Registered Sex Offenders would pay a lot for the privilege of being a recess monitor.

Don’t feed the fat kids. Their fat reserves will allow them to survive without food much longer than the skinny students

Sex ED –  outsourced to YouPorn

Buy cheaper “Much Too Sloppy Joe Mix” for the cafeteria

Jesus didn’t need him no fancy microscopes! Are 4^th graders better than Jesus now?

Make a deal with the bullies so that they’ll give you ten percent of the lunch money they stole in exchange for protection.

New elective class – Sweatshop 101

See if you can get the teachers to accept being paid in chalk.

Return the Presidential Physical Fitness Test back to Taft standards of fitness

Allow online betting on your kick ball games

After dissecting the frog make students reassemble it so the next person can use the same frog.

Go back to the gold standard, whatever that means

Replace American students with Mexicans who are willing to be educated for half the cost.

Does it bother anyone that the most likable Republican running for president spent a night sleeping with a dead fetus, and then  took the corpse home with him so his living children could cuddle with it?

I don’t vote or really care about politics, but are we really okay with the idea that someone who thought that was a good idea might possibly be  running the country someday instead of being locked up somewhere?

Advice for Mitt – If you’re going to write a book with the title “The Case For American Greatness” for God’s sake don’t put a giant picture of yourself on the front cover. It makes you seem a braggart.

Looking back on my first attempt to travel back in time to kill Hitler when he was a baby I’d have to give myself a C+. It was a decent first try, but there is a lot of room for improvement.

For example I need to find a way to travel all the way back to 1889. Just traveling back in time one hour when they set the clocks back for daylight savings  time isn’t good enough.

I also need to do some more research so I know I found the right one. In retrospect I’m pretty sure Hitler probably wasn’t a Mexican baby.

Real thing – The theme for my senior prom was “Hotel California”. I’m guessing that no one on the prom committee ever listened to the lyrics, because a “heroin” theme doesn’t seem that suitable for a teenagers formal dance .

Although in retrospect heroin withdrawal isn’t really a half bad metaphor for my high school years.

 ”You’re not black! You’re even paler than I am. Stop telling people you’re part black, especially don’t tell that to people who really are black. Because they’ll think you’re making fun of them, that’s why. You just want to relate to the black experience and …. Fine, which of your relatives were black? You know why you don’t know? Because THEY WERE ALL WHITE TOO. I’ve met both your parents and I’ve seem pictures of your grandparents. They were as white as you are! If anything they looked like Jews. Yes, I know Jews can be black too, but they don’t. Because it’s hard enough being black without adding “Jew” to the mix. How am I being racist? I never said you were Jewish, but you’re a lot closer to being Jewish than black. Oh God. Are you crying because you’re not black? How is it my fault? I can’t make you black. You can’t just pick whatever race you want. And if you could pick, why not choose to be white? We have it the easiest. We’re in charge of everything. I’m not saying we SHOULD be, we just are. It’s a double standard, but we’re on the winning side. Enjoy it. Would you at least please not say that you think you’re black in front of people I know? Especially my parents. No, I’m not worried that they’ll be racist about it. I’m worried they’ll think you’re an idiot. So, now you’re crying about that too, huh. Fine. Fine. I’m an asshole because you’re white. I guess that’s my fault too.”