The Sedated Ape

In your early 30’s you start to get depressed because you realize that your life may very well be half over.

 By the time you’re in your late 30’s you start to get relieved because you realize that your life may very well be half over.

It still doesn’t make sense to me. Back in school whenever someone would put a “kick me” sign on my back everyone did what the note said. But when I wore a “Kiss Me I’m Irish” t-shirt every day for three months straight  it never even worked once.

I like how the Count from Sesame Street teaches kids about living with obsessive compulsive disorder

My dream job: getting paid for REM sleep  

I was just a victim of another bait and switch scam. I’ll never understand why people who sell night crawlers are so devious.

 I don’t see why people still think the three stooges are funny. Curly hasn’t said anything funny in thirty years.

 Everyone seems to have “zero tolerance policies” on everything now. Remember when tolerance was supposed to be a good thing?

 Trivia – Because of snow days Inuit children rarely graduate high school before the age of 50

 What if no one ever told you that ignorance of the law is no excuse?

 They say Showgirls is supposed to be a horrible movie, but I find it enjoyable it you only alternate between watching it in slow motion and fast forward.

Dreamed I was  at the store shopping for sleeping pills. I think my own sub-conscience is making fun of me.

Having triplets would be like winning the lottery in reverse

If you see only one movie this year, netflix is probably a waste of money.

The great depression wouldn’t have seemed so bad if they thought up something more cheerful to call it.

It probably doesn’t mean anything, but it is kinda worrisome that all of my big ideas always start with “okay…first we find a corpse and set it on fire”.

I ought to get me a lot of camouflage clothing.  That way I’ll be unnoticeable and blend in with everyone else at the Wal-Mart

A  lot of Republicans and Teabagger party people are always calling Obama a Nazi. That’s just stupid.  Even if he wanted to be a Nazi there is no way he could ever make it through the application process

I don’t see how can they call it a Happy Meal if they’re unwilling to include a happy ending.

I never joined a fraternity when I was in school. I never was one to feel peer pressure. I didn’t  do things just because everyone else in school was doing it- stuff  like joining a fraternity, partying, attending classes or showering.  Besides,  there were  frat dues you had to pay to get in. If I’m going to pay someone to be my friend she’s going to be female and she’s going to be dancing on my lap.

Success often comes from failure. Before the wright brothers invented the airplane they were struggling to get by  making poorly selling bicycles that had trouble staying on the ground

I know I’m 36 years late, but I just got those Baby Einstein cds. By the time I’m 60 I’ll be as as smart as Einstein was as a young man. That’s still pretty good. I’m going to skip the Pubescent Einstein series though. I don’t care how smart he was, I’m not going through all that again.

There is an ad for this online school and the girl in the commercial says “and the great thing is I can even go to class in my pajamas!”  If that’s how you choose which college to attend, you’re wasting your time even thinking about higher education in the first place.  You’re much much too lazy to ever enter the work force.

Now Canada is building a wall on the border to keep out really determined Mexicans.

Dialogue from my Lassie spec script: Lassie, what is it boy? What are you trying to tell us? Is someone trapped in that dog’s vagina?

My only career goal now is to one day work in a place where no one has ever had to leave work early because they accidently peed on themselves. Or even worse, did it on purpose.

I just finished watching Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I counted 345 OSHA violations. And I think the INS should look into their bizarre midget employees.

I don’t smoke pot and I don’t like being around people who do. Pot just makes you seem dumber. That’s not a big deal if your normally intelligent, but you need to carefully consider where you stand because there are a lot of naturally dumb people who can’t afford to do anything that will send them any lower on the intelligence ladder. Plus pot smokers are way too chatty. Dumb and chatty are a deadly combination,  because it’s just a matter of time before they’ll want to start talking about the movie Point Break

Trivia: The first crime of the century was “minor in possession of a stick”.

Earth day if a horseshit holiday. We have tornadoes, mud slides, typhoons, earthquakes tsunamis, drought, volcanoes, temps either so hot of so cold that you’ll die if you go outside,  lighting strikes, floods, hail, wildfires, famine, dust storms and even the damn sun will give you cancer. The earth is doing everything it can to kill us and you want to kiss up to it and try to save the planet? The planet is trying to KILL YOU!  Whose side are you on anyway?

If you’re  like me and have an ingrown toenail a walk in the park is no walk in the park

What I hope to see on television or in the movies one day:  There’s a scene with a a gun. Someone says “Don’t worry, the safety is on”. Then they check and the safety actually is on

I have a lazy eye, but the rest of me is lazy too so it’s not a problem

My best pick-up line: I’m more willing to put up with more crazy shit for much longer than an attractive man ever would.

Is it possible to give up silly, superstitious religious rituals for lent?

I was just watching television and I don’t know how it happened, but I somehow failed a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. They said if it was an actual emergency I’ll be trampled and left behind to be eaten by coyotes. I don’t like the sound of that one bit.

My sister always got better grades than me in school.

That’s not a huge compliment.  Saying someone got better grades than me is like saying they were more social than bigfoot.  My guidance consular once took me aside and said “… look,  junior high  just isn’t for everyone”.

But even compared to other, non-stupid, children her grades we pretty good.

My mother would always put her tests and school papers up on the refrigerator at home. I never had much up there. She wasn’t playing favorites, I just didn’t give her much to work with.  My sister’s teachers wrote stuff like “Super” and “Great Work!” on her papers. If the teacher wrote anything on my paper it usually had too many obscenities in it to display it in the kitchen.

One day they sent a note home saying I passed the head lice inspection they gave us every year.  Right away my mother put it up on the refrigerator and was really proud that I finally got something from the school she could put on display.

She seemed so happy I didn’t have the heart to tell her I only passed the exam because I cheated.

I’ve just found me something that will make me a famous animal expert like that dorky Australian guy used to be.

After spending  countless days looking in the woods and the park I’ve finally  found and  captured an actual snipe!  I  found him in my own back yard of
all places!

There’s a lot of people who are closed-minded about my discovery, but I expected that.  They say stuff like  ”Your so-called snipe  looks like a cat with his fur shaved off.

My  neighbor lady is in that school of thought. She pointed out that her  cat disappeared the previous night, and the snipe was wearing the same type of collar her cat wore and that the snipe also meowed in much the same way  a cat would.  Plus she said  and there was a pile of fur and an electric beard trimmer on my back porch.

I can see how a lay person who isn’t trained to look for mythical  animals like I am might come to the conclusion that I just shaved a cat and tried to pass it off as a snipe . Lay people can be pretty damn  cynical. ( They don’t even believe in bigfoot, even though he stared  in four of the star wars movies!)

Yes, the snipe and a cat do  superficially look a lot a like. I admit that – but that’s just a  coincidence.

Coincidences do exist, you know? That’s why the word  was invented. If there were no such thing as coincidences, the word  would serve no purpose except in crossword puzzles and bad poems that  try to rhyme “coincidence” with “peeing on an electric fence”.

Through no doings of my own I had two very pretty girls sitting on my left and two more on my right. I felt like a pimp who took his whores on a field trip.

I don’t know if they ever really do that or not . Taking whores out to a ballgame as a reward for a job well done might improve their morale and sense of self worth. Of course if their morale improved too much they might not want to be whores anymore.

 Anyway… During the seventh inning stretch I screamed “Goddamn it bitch – did I say you can do the wave!!??” Then I slapped them all with the back of my hand. Here’s something I learned:  If you’re going to make a joke like that you really need to set it up well first, otherwise it just makes everyone very angry at you and there will be a lot of crying.

Real thing: When you enter Kauffman Stadium for a game a security guard makes you take your cap off now. Maybe if you wore a top hat to the game you could fit some contraband between your skull and hat, but I’ve never seen Lincoln or Mr. Peanut come to a game. You also could probably fit about 20 sticks of dynamite under the Pope’s hat, but the pope doesn’t strike me as the suicide bomber type.

When someone complained about it the guard said, “Since 9-11 we have to be careful”. If cap bombs at baseball games are a threat why did it take them ten years before they came up with the “take off your cap” security measures? It seems like a pretty straight forward solution to an imaginary problem

They didn’t, however, check any of my pockets. I was wearing cargo shorts and a baggy jersey. If I wanted to I could’ve brought in five handguns, a ammo belt and three or four grenades. Just nothing under my cap. Luckily for everyone, we won. So I wouldn’t have needed them to extract my revenge against the Angels starting line-up. This time.

We got a new player from the Braves this season named Melky Cabera. He had a really good spring, but every time he comes to bat I just think of this:

I had one of those cows. I have no memory of it ever working. We broke the tail pretty quick. In theory you could buy more of the chalky tablets that would turn water into pretend milk. That is if you could work up the nerve to say “Yes, shop-keep. I require more Milky The Marvelous Milking Tablets, otherwise I’ll just have to squeeze water out of the toy cow’s fake rubber teat. That would be silly, so give me some of your best fake milk tablets right away.” I never could say anything like that.

According to the Incas,  the Royals leading their division is a sign of the end times.

Real News Item: A clown was arrested for raping a 12 year old girl while in full clown make-up. If convicted he could be sent to prison for life.

He made the following statement after his arrest: “Look, comedy is a very subjective art form. Some people don’t think Jerry Lewis is funny, some don’t like The Three Stooges and some people  just don’t have a sense of humor about raping children. It’s all very subjective. 

And it’s not fair that the police are taking one part of my act out of context.  Did the cops ask about the juggling, or the balloon animals, or my funny dance?  No! They only wanted to know about the rape part of the act!  Of course forced sodomy sodomy on a little girl isn’t going to be funny if you don’t know the set up!!!

They say that there’s no such thing as a bad audience, but I think a lot of my best material went right over their heads! Whoosh! A really square audience. They should have been there for my ten o’clock show. I really killed during that one!

Please don’t tell the police I said that. That would just get me in even more trouble”.

 -  I think the rule should be that if someone actually WANTS to be a clown, priest, scout master or gym coach that should automatically disqualify them from being a a clown, priest, scout master or gym coach. Normal men don’t want to spend all their free time around other people’s children. It’s suspicious at best. In fact, we’re probably lucky that ALL of the clowns aren’t out there buggering little children.

There are a some things I expect when I open my inbox. Spam, notes from Ticketmaster telling me that good seats are still available for the  REO Speedwagon concert (if you have your own drum set you can even get a seat on the stage) , letters from distant relatives asking me to remove my name from ancestory.com… stuff like that.

But today there was something I didn’t expect….

(You have to click on it to make it big enough to read, but I guess everyone knows how that works by now)

How’s that for impressive?!  I’m pretty sure that if you’re on St. Peter’s twitter list it’s  an automatic free pass into heaven. So that’s one less thing to worry about.

Or maybe he was just afraid that if he didn’t follow me that I would punch him in the throat when I got to the pearly gates.

Either way, it’s pretty impressive.

Like I said a few posts ago, I’ve started with the twitter thing again (a lot of you should be expecting throat punches in your future). 

 I decided to start doing that because I found out that a lot of people I like have been doing it, and I thought it would be fun to keep up with them. Mostly it’s comics like, Steven Wright, Emo Philllips, Norm MacDonald and people like that. People I like, but don’t really know.

It’s no damn good.

90% of the time the only things they write about is stuff like “Show at 8pm at ______ club in _____ – hurry, only a few seats left!!!!!!!”  Obviously, they don’t leave blanks like that, but you get the idea. No matter how much I like and admire a comic, there’s really no reason I need to know that they’ve added a second show at Chuckles Laugh Emporium in Calgary. It would take a hell of a concert to get me to fly to Canada on three hours notice to see a show.  If John Lennon and George Harrison somehow come back from the dead and get the old band back together, I’d go. Or maybe if there was a big live-aid type concert whose purpose was to raise funds for Tony Myers I’d probably show up to accept the check. But otherwise I just don’t care.

The stuff  famous people tweet doesn’t usually make sense unless you know what they’re referring to. I guess you could backtrack and find out, but it’s a lot of effort that amounts to nothing usually.  You can spend hours online just to trying  to find out that  Steve Buschimi agrees with Sean Penn that  Howie Mandell was right in saying that Garth Brook’s was right when he retweeted Ed Asner saying that the earthquake in Japan was really sad. By the time that you piece all that together you have to be awake for work in two hours.

For example, this is what Steve Martin had on his mind that really doesn’t mean anything to anyone unless you know the man and his friends already. And over 800,000 people follow him:

Vegas in April, Need to change “banjo strings” to “guitar strings.”,  I sit corrected!,  I have questions to ASK Leo about this skin rash, Hmm. Maybe, don’t really though, shift key broken period what comma what am I parenthetical thank you auto-correct end parenthetical going to do question mark, I keep changing time zones, OF COURSE wearing the petticoat. Jeesh, and “nice grammar” is a sentence?,  Don’t forget C#b minor 6th with a flatted 7th tuned half-step sharp with negative harmonics!, I still like plywood, Actually, a rectangle, Ouch. I just hit my head on the floor, Engleonians?, Oh sure, yeah, right. Okay. Yeah, Creepy guy wants to cook my books, Try 35, One too many “z”s,  How much do I owe you?, You forgot trick-roper….

Steve Martin is a talented guy, but why do 800,000 people feel they need to read stuff like that everyday?

Twitter makes it seem like everyone has Intrusive Thought Disorder.

I remember an experiment the teacher did for us in the third grade. She got a tooth – I don’t know from where, maybe teachers get a special catalog that you can order stuff like teeth out of – and soaked in in a bottle of soda for an entire week. By Friday the soda has already started to rot the tooth and it was really gross.

That was almost thirty years ago, but I still remember that lesson. From that day on I made it a point to never take a drink of Pepsi then not swallow it for several days at a time. Sure sometimes I’d forget and keep the cola in my mouth overnight, but the first thing in the morning I’d be sure to swallow it down.

That was the same year we did a project where we raised brine shrimp from eggs that also taught me another valuable lesson. From that I learned that brine shrimp aren’t worth the trouble. You have to eat like a million of them before you feel full and they’re so small it’s hard to tell if they’re  fully cooked.

Third grade was a good year. Not like the fourth grade. In the fourth grade we spent several months learning all the state capitals. I still remember most of them. Years later you know what I found out? They print the damn things right on the damn maps and it was just one big waste of my time.