State Of The Webpage Address
This is as close as I’m going to get to a FAQ for this page.
Actually no one frequently asks me anything except “would you like to biggie size that for 39 more cents?” The answer to that one is “Yes, and if you ever come up with something bigger than biggie size, like maybe glutton-ie size, go ahead and sign me up for that
Who I am – I’m one tough Gazookus ,Which hates all Palookas Wot ain’t on the up and square. I biffs ‘em and buffs ‘em And always out roughs ‘em But none of ‘em gets nowhere. If anyone dares to risk my “Fisk”, It’s “Boff” an’ it’s “Wham” un’erstan’? So keep “Good Be-hav-or” That’s your one life saver With…. Aw, hell who am I fooling? That’s not me. That’s Popeye. I’m not Popeye. No matter how much I’d like to be.
If you’re reading this it’s probably because someone sent you a link to this thing I wrote about the Shamwow! Infomercial. To my surprise that went sorta viral and it gets a LOT more hits than anything else here.
- I don’t if they really work.
- I don’t know how you can get your money back. Why on earth would you think I would? (Technically that second sentence is not an answer, but a question)
- I never actually got one.
- I’m not going to help you with your school project about Shamwow. I’m not really sure what help I could give. Besides, what kind of school has kids write a paper about a towel? (also a question)
- I know Vince (the pitch-guy with the headset) has done another infomercial for some sort of kitchen chopping gadget. It’s no good because he’s trying to be funny in it. After chopping some walnuts he says something like “Hey, how do like my nuts now?”. Infomercials that try to be funny aren’t. Vince reads this page, by the way. Maybe this is where he got the idea to try to make his new ads funny on purpose.
Everything on my page is original by me. It’s all stuff I wrote, drew or made in photoshop. With the exception of the Zippy the Pinhead strip. That, of course, was drawn by Bill Griffith. Zippy and Me – part 1 I put it up here because I gave him the idea (well, the premise anyway) and he mentioned my name. I also interviewed him for an early ancestor of the webpage about eight or nine years ago (ain’t it funny how time slips away?) I guess technically I only wrote the questions half of the interview myself. Zippy and Me – part 2
I carry little notebooks around and whenever I think of something I write it down. Then when I update my page I go through it and decide what I feel like typing that day. There’s a huge backlog of material. I may not be good, but I am quite prolific. These are the notebooks from March until now. But I’m a very lazy man, Too lazy to type much. So that’s why I only update my page a couple of times a week.
(March ’09 to current)
I’m aware that quite a bit of the stuff here is Jack Handy-esque. (He’s the Deep Thoughts guy that used to be on Saturday Night Live) There are three reasons for this. 1 – I think he’s funny. 2- Once you get in the right mood it’s very easy to write stuff like that. 3 – I used to write stuff for a mailing list that was a Deep Thoughts rip-off thing. (Just the style was a rip-off, not the jokes) called Ruminations. I don’t think it’s around anymore. Anyway, they posted a ton of my stuff over the years and included my webpage’s url. I wanted to publicize my website, so I had a reason to crank out jokes in that style. So I did.
There’s a bunch of typos and spelling errors. I don’t mind them too much. And I’m too lazy to fix them before I post .
“Sedated Ape” was my screen name on AOL back in the mid-90’s. That’s why I named the webpage what I did. In retrospect I think ‘Mentholated Ape” would be a better name, but it’s too late now I suppose.
I don’t DO anything with the stuff I write except post it here. A lot of people have said that I should be getting paid for this kinda stuff. It’s nice of them to say that, but I really don’t see how anyone would be willing to give me money for stuff like this. When people tell my that I should be doing stuff like this professionally my answer is always “Find somebody willing to pay for crap like this and I’ll split it with you”. So far no one has taken me up on that.
I don’t know who they think would be willing to pay for stuff like this. It’s too short and random for a book. Very few of my ideas last more than a page or two. There’s no theme other than “stuff I thought was funny at the time I wrote it.”.
Actually there have been some job offers, but with one and a half exceptions these offers came from crazy people. I didn’t peruse any of the crazy ones. I’m not a real writer and have no ambitions regarding any of this stuff. If someday someone offers me money for stuff like this, great, But they’ll have to find me, because I don’t look for them. If you have a project you think I might could help with, I’ll listen. But I have enough to eat either way
If you want to use anything on my page, go ahead and take it. It would be nice if you would mention where you got it, but I can’t stop you if you don’t. And I don’t care enough to try. So, go wild I guess
If I know you in real life, and you read my webpage, please stop. It makes me nervous.
A lot of things make me nervous.
I’m pretty dull in real life and I’m not much of a chatter. I’m a misanthrope with strong hermit inclinations. And I keep odd hours. (I keep them in a box in the back of .my garage).
If you get offended by something I wrote remember that you can’t have a joke without a n exaggeration. Then consider the point of view of the joke. . Then, if you’re still offended at least you’ll know you’ve been offended for the right reasons.
If I think something is funny I’ll say it. Even if it is in pretty bad taste. I see no reason to censor myself. It’s not like I can be fired since I’m not getting paid.
If you like this page and feel like it’s worth something to you, I wish you’d consider buying a t-shirt from or donating to “The Lenny Bruce Memorial Recovery House”. Kitty Bruce, Lenny’s daughter, is trying to raise money to start a non-profit charity half-way house for women recovering from drug and alcohol abuse. If you buy a shirt from her and tell me about I’ll refund half of your money . (I’ll ask her about it, so don’t just lie and say you bought one just so I’ll send you some money) http://www.lennybruceofficial.com
Photography Blog – at least 95% baseball stuff